Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Ok, I'm Officially Creeped Out

So, there I was, standing at the sink in the bathroom here at the office after taking a leak. I turned the water on, got it nice and hot (men, seriously, washing your hands in cold water is like washing them with your piss because it doesn't work), and squirted the soap out of the dispenser.

Ok, I have to stop here for a second. The soap in the bathroom here was something I could always count on as being the same. I mean, you go into the bathroom and you never know what you're going to find, especially on this floor. However, the soap was always the one constant. It was pink, thick and smelled very nice. I was really happy with it. In a room of freaks and slobs, it was my one comfort item.

Anyhow, back to the story. So, there I was, hot water running, warming my hands up, ready to put some of that pink velvety soap on my hand, I depress the soap dispenser and out comes (or is it cums)......this white, watery substance that looked like the money shot in a porn movie. I about lost my lunch right there in the sink.

So now, not only do I have this cum-like substance on my hand, but I'm utterly frozen. I don't know what to do. I mean, there's no way in fuck I'm smelling this stuff. I'm afraid to rub my hands together, lest the man goo somehow absorb through my pores. I'm totally terrified to wash it off because I really don't want to watch it stick to the drain as it washes out of the sink. Likewise, I really don't want this spunky substance on my hands anymore. In the end, I ran my hands under the faucet, didn't rub them together (yes, I totally closed my eyes so I didn't see what happened to the baby batter), grabbed a paper towel to open all doors between the bathroom and kitchen, walked inside, washed my hands in the kitchen sink here FOUR FUCKING TIMES and called it good.

Can't someone do a memo when they decide to change the soap from something nice, safe and constant to something that resembles what Peter North excreted all over Jenna Jameson's back in the movie I just watched last night? I mean shit, I'm all for a good gooing, but there's a time and place for that. It shouldn't be something that I wash my hands with.


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Thanksgiving Changes

Since things in my life are changing at an alarming rate, why should Thanksgiving be any different? This year I'll have my kids for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so it'll be the same as always (sans wife), but I'm sure there will come a time when I'll be alone for one or the other.

Rather than eat a turkey sandwich from Boston Market I've decided to re-create a traditional Holiday meal (without me actually cooking. I do plan to have plenty of alcohol, however).

I invite you to audition for one of the following roles that will be vacated when my divorce is final. You can also feel free to create your own and submit.

1. Father- Must be intoxicated well before the meal begins and begin unbuttoning the pants around meal time. You may be de-panted by dessert. Bonus points if you have your hand tucked into the waistband of your BVDs.

2. Mother- Obsessive-compulsives are encouraged to apply. Ability to cry randomly due to such things as the color of the cranberries or your son being a jackass is a plus. Extreme bonus points if you get slobberknockered on egg nog and tell everyone at the table that I'm not good enough for your daughter.

3. Drunk Uncle- Creepy, jobless, and completely fucked up on various hard liquors and other substances. This is a job for someone on the plump side with the uncanny knack for saying the wrong thing to other family members and then falling asleep by the mailbox. Extra credit if you're facedown in your own puke as well.

4. Cousin #1- Completely silent. Has been since 1996. We're not even sure if he can talk.

5. Cousin #2- Attends Ivy League Medical/Law/Business school. Must be clearly embarassed of family and have important people to call on the cell during dinner. Must wear Abercrombie clothes and refer to all women as "Buffy."

6. Cousin #3- Felon. Just got out of the joint for stealing a pig from a farm. I wish I made that up.

7. Cousin #4- On 3rd Marriage with 2 kids and 2 stepkids. Ok, this one isn't that funny....

8. Cousin #4's Wife- Was a trophy wife. After she squirted out her second kid, Cousin #4 started eye fucking every woman in sight, my mother-in-law included. Yeesh.

9. P.I.G.- Person Invited by Guilt. Could be a lonely office rat or the neighbor who stands outside the window staring inside and looking morose. Very helpful if you look like a loner and have no social skills. Laugh loudly at family jokes and dispense advice to children. Come very overdressed and have a bottle of something disgusting. Must cry in the bathroom.

There you go. I'm now taking applications.



Thursday, November 17, 2005

Looks White People Cannot Pull Off

Here's a dude sporting the "I'm Lily White, But I Roll With East-Siiiiide" look. He can't pull it off, no way in hell.

If you're not African-American, dreads are NEVER a good idea.

Unless your name is Snoop, velvet jumpsuits shouldn't be in your closet.

Finger tats - always classy.

Don't. Ever. Nuff said.


Monday, November 14, 2005

The Top 10 Sports Sex Scandals of All Time

With the Panthers cheerleaders alleged-sex-in-a-bathroom (which they have denied took place, completely ruining my fantasy) scandal coming hot on the heels of the Vikings SexBoat escapade (which is probably the only sex scandal in the history of Minnesota - I mean isn't it fucking cold there?), perhaps it's time to ponder 10 of the (other) biggest sex scandals in sports history:

1. Kobe Bryant: Nobody but Bryant and the young woman who became his accuser know for sure what happened in that hotel room in Eagle, Colo., on the night of July 1, 2003. What is clear is that Bryant's squeaky-clean image was forever tarnished as he transformed overnight from the Next Jordan to a punchline for late-night comics (or wanna be comics like myself). The woman alleged that Bryant raped her while the player claimed that the (extramarital) sex was consensual. The criminal charges were ultimately dropped before trial and the two reached a sealed settlement on a related civil suit. While the cost to Bryant's reputation is incalculable, the cost to his pocketbook included the $4 million he spent on an eight-carat diamond ring for wife Vanessa.

2. Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich: The Yankees lefthanders shocked their teammates and the rest of America when they showed up at spring training in 1973 and announced that they had swapped wives over the winter. Peterson traded wife, Marilyn, two kids and a poodle to Kekich for Susanne, the two Kekich kids and a Bedlington terrier. Commissioner Bowie Kuhn (who colored himself "appalled") got more angry mail about the wife swap than he did about the introduction of the DH that season. Looking back, Peterson clearly got the better of the deal; he was still with Susanne the last anyone has heard. Kekich, meanwhile, split with Marilyn three months after the couples went public, and was shipped off to the Indians and started only eight more games in the majors.

3. Gold Club trial: It's not exactly shocking to hear that pro athletes frequent strip clubs. It's another matter to have it aired in open court, which was what happened during the 2001 racketeering trial of Gold Club owner Steve Kaplan in Atlanta. Among the athletes who took the stand were Patrick Ewing (who testified that he had been "comped" sexual favors at the club) and Braves center fielder Andruw Jones (who was treated to a threesome at age 19, and actually used the words "hot girl-on-girl action" during his testimony). When one former stripper was asked under oath who was present during one of Ewing's romps, she answered, "The whole fucking NBA." I wonder if the pun was intended or not.

4. Eugene Robinson: The Falcons free safety made headlines for all the wrong reasons when he was arrested for soliciting a prostitute in Miami the night before Atlanta met the Broncos in Super Bowl XXXIII. He had to be bailed out by the Falcons' GM at 11 p.m., just a few days after Robinson had won the Bart Starr Award for "high moral character" (was that "high" as in "baked"?). The team allowed Robinson to play, but he was burned badly on an 80-yard TD pass to Rod Smith that put Denver ahead 17-3 in a 34-19 win. One Broncos fan held up a sign reading: Eugene Robinson For President.

5. Marv Albert: Up until 1997, Albert was known solely as a popular sports broadcaster who liked to say, "Yes!" That summer, though, Albert, who was accused of sexual assault, gained infamy during a trial filled with sordid details. Albert ultimately pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault and battery for biting a former lover 18 times during a rendezvous-gone-wrong. Albert was fired by NBC and resigned from MSG Network. Rapper Common boasted in a song lyric that he was "freaky like Marv Albert." Albert's professional career and reputation, though, have largely been restored.

6. Wade Boggs: The chicken-loving singles hitter became known as a ladies' man when Margo Adams claimed in 1988 that she had been his mistress on the road for four years. Adams originally filed a $6 million suit for, well, it's hard to say exactly since one wouldn't think that "road mistress" is that well-paying a job, even in a perfect world. The married Boggs didn't exactly curry public sympathy, though, when he blamed his behavior on being a sex addict, a term he confessed that he learned from a Geraldo Rivera show. Adams sold a tell-all story to Penthouse but her legal claims were largely thrown out. Through it all, Boggs kept hitting singles (with the occasional double off the Green Monster) and eating chicken (among other things).

7. Mike DuBose: The former Alabama football coach admitted in August 1999 that he had had an affair with his executive secretary as the school was forced to pay the woman $350,000 to settle a sexual harassment case. Making matters worse, DuBose had denied the affair just three months earlier, both publicly and to his bosses. The Tide essentially took the settlement out of DuBose's contract, and when Alabama lost 29-28 to Southern Miss early in the 1999 season, DuBose seemed all but gone. Yet when the Tide rallied to win a surprise SEC championship and entered the 2000 season ranked No. 3, many Bama backers were ready to forgive DuBose for the adultery. Alas, he then committed the unpardonable sin of going 3-8 and lost his job. There is truth to the rumor that Bear Bryant repeatedly rolled over in his grave.

8. Dennis Eckersley/Rick Manning: 1978 was a tough year for the Eck. He was traded from the Indians to the Red Sox, his wife, Denise, told him she was in love with another man, and that man turned out to be his best friend, Cleveland centerfielder Manning. Those facts are not in dispute, though much else about this unplanned wife swap (Denise and Manning later married) is murky. Cleveland lore has it that the Indians front office traded Eck because it learned of the affair and needed to ship one of them out, and since Manning had a cracked vertebra in his neck he wouldn't have drawn much in return. For his part, Eck insists the executives knew nothing and that he himself learned that his wife and Manning were together only months after the trade. Regardless, Eckersley fondly mentioned both Denise and Manning by name in a gracious induction speech when he joined the Hall of Fame last summer. I am unsure if he was up for a threesome or not.

9. St. John's basketball players: The Red Storm was already limping through a lousy season when they lost 71-51 at Pittsburgh on Feb. 4, 2004, to fall to 5-14. Things got much worse that night. Five players took a 38-year-old woman they had met in a strip club back to their hotel room. The next morning, the woman alleged that the players had raped her. One of the players, though, had recorded some of the proceedings on his digital camera. When police saw footage of the woman threatening to file rape charges unless they paid her for the sex, the charges were dropped and the woman was instead charged with prostitution and other counts. (That might mark the only time a sex tape has ever helped anyone get out of trouble). The players' respite was short-lived, however, as three were kicked off the team for good and two suspended for the rest of the season.

10. Denny Neagle: The then Rockies pitcher was arrested in December 2004 for speeding. When police say they noticed that Neagle had his belt unbuckled, they questioned the female passenger, who told them that she had performed oral sex on Neagle for $40. (Neagle's trial has been postponed until Jan. 30, 2006; the woman pleaded guilty to prostitution in September.) It proved to be a very costly transaction for Neagle as the Rockies quickly moved to void the $19 million left on his contract, though the team and pitcher reached an undisclosed settlement in May. The 37-year-old was waived by the Devil Rays this spring and has not pitched in the majors since.


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Terrell Owens - His Options

I would hope that by now you all know who Terrell Owens is. He has been suspended for the next 4 games by the Philadelphia Eagles (sup, Vic?) and will be placed on the inactive list thereafter. Dude is a malcontented multi-millionaire wide receiver that has imploded both teams he's played for. His talent is undenyiable. His intelligence, however, is a very different story. So, without further adieu, I present Terrell Owens' options.

Poor Terrell Owens...all that talent but his mouth has overrun his brain. His popularity has generated some interest with the FOX network, and according to my sources, these two pilots are being considered.

In LOOTER, T.O. plays "Cooter the Looter" and it chronicles his adventures as he criscrosses the world looking to take advantage of natural disasters, riots, and the such. He'll steal from you, he'll fo'nicate your sister, and he'll call you a punk and even "make yo wallet dis'pear in thin air."

In Salt n Peppa, Terrell teams up with a random white dude. The plot lines are a little disturbing as this is a story of two men, of different color, who share the same crib. T.O. played football and caught passes and random white dude played catcher in baseball, and well, he caught things too. In this comedy/soap opera, the two men struggle with positioning and the acting is quite hilarious and sick at the same time.


MTV announces that they are considering a "T.O. and Tina Turner Revue," which could easily make it on any cable network. MTV figures that if Terrell would trade punches with a member from his own team then he could easily fill Ike's battering position.


Court TV has announced that they are in negotiations with Terrell on a "Roaming Apologist" segment which could air by the fall shows. On the other hand, Terrell states, "Fuck man, I got this shit down. I could apologize right to your face while I'm laughing my ass off inside...dig it." Terrell even apologized to Vanessa Bryant for Kobe's indiscretions some time ago. At the time, T.O. didn't have the crying/tears down the cheek part yet, but according to Owens now, "I can weep like Jimmy Swaggert if ya want, man."


The BET channel is considering using Owens as Sammy Davis Jr. in a remake of some shows that the infamous RAT PACK did decades ago. We all know that T.O. can do his endzone bullshit, but can he sing Mr. BOJANGLES ?


ESPN has supposedly offered Terrell millions to replace Don King. The Friday Night Fights might be re-invigorated with his brash commentary regarding today's boxers. You never know, he might just get knocked out hisself. Yeah, dig it.


A new cable network CCC, (Classic Cable Network) has been conducting numerous opinion polls, both telephone and public, regarding the interest in Terrell playing a man/ape, in the classic remake of Planet of the Apes.

CCC states that Charlton Heston obviously isn't coming back, but rumors have surfaced that Keifer Sutherland (reprising his role of Freddie Lee Cobb from "A Time To Kill") might be interested in playing Heston's part. CCC doesn't want to beeeep out offensive language by either one of them and that right there is the problem. Do you want your child to hear, "Back off (you can figure out the proper N word, or maybe be kind and just tell your kid he said, 'Dumbfuck Idiot'."

Should you have any further suggestions, please contact me as I am representing the moron in this new endeavor.


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