Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Long Weekend

That's what I'm in for. A long weekend. After work today, I'm heading to Seattle to take in the Yankum-Mariners tilt tomorrow afternoon. Then I'll be heading to Long Beach, WA for a softball tournament Friday. Should be home sometime Sunday night.

I hope each and every one of you have a safe, fun and happy Labor Day Weekend. Hopefully by Tuesday, I'll have something to write about.

Lord knows I've been struggling lately.


Thursday, August 25, 2005

Just Call Her a Heiffer Next Time

File this under "You've Got to be F'ing Kidding Me."

Doctor in trouble for calling patient obese
N.H. woman filed complaint; state attorney general asked to investigate

ROCHESTER, N.H. - As doctors warn more patients that they should lose weight, the advice has backfired on one doctor with a woman filing a complaint with the state saying he was hurtful, not helpful.

And people wonder why our court systems are so overworked? It's stupid crap like this that does it. Hurtful? HURTFUL? Jeezus. Overreact much?

Dr. Terry Bennett says he tells obese patients their weight is bad for their health and their love lives, but the lecture drove one patient to complain to the state.

He should have mentioned to her that if she's obese, she should be thankful that she has a guy that will even be in the same room with her when she's naked, let alone bang her.

“I told a fat woman she was obese,” Bennett says. “I tried to get her attention. I told her, 'You need to get on a program, join a group of like-minded people and peel off the weight that is going to kill you.'"

May I direct your attention to the first part of his quote. He may have just pissed off the rest of the women that consider themselves 'fat' with that first statement. Just think, this dolt went to school for 10 years. Guess we know it wasn't charm school.

He says he wrote a letter of apology to the woman when he found out she was offended.

It should have read something like this: Dear Fatty, I'm sorry I called you obese. I meant to say you're only a McGriddle short of a Grimace. Sincerely, Dr. Terry "Skinny" Bennett

The New Hampshire board’s Web site says disciplinary sanctions may range from a reprimand to the revocation of all rights to practice in the state.

For telling someone she's obese? Revocation to practice medicine in the state? Good God! What's the penalty for telling someone they need a vasectomy - castration?

“Physicians have to be professional with patients and remember everyone is an individual. You should not be inflammatory or degrading to anyone,” said board member Kevin Costin.

Note to idiot - the word obese isn't inflammatory or degrading. But what do I know? I'm not obese.

Other overweight patients have come to Bennett’s defense.

“What really makes me angry is he told the truth,” Mindy Haney told WMUR-TV on Tuesday. “How can you punish somebody for that?”

Haney said Bennett has helped her lose more than 150 pounds, but acknowledged that she initially didn’t want to listen.

“I have been in this lady’s shoes. I’ve been angry and left his practice. I mean, in-my-car-taking-off angry,” Haney said. “But once you think about it, you’re angry at yourself, not Doctor Bennett. He’s the messenger. He’s telling you what you already know.”

See, people like this actually give me hope for the future of our country. But for every one of these level-headed people, there are 1,000 dolts like the obese idiot that filed the complaint.


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

I'm A Little Bit Country

Yes, that's right, JP is a hick at heart. Growing up in Central Florida (before it became North Cuba), you had no choice but to listen to Country music and chew tobacco when you played ball. It's just what you did.

As Central Florida changed in the '90s, I changed along with it. I severed my country roots and decided to see what it was like on the rock and roll side of town. I stopped listening to any music with a hint of Southern twang in it and ditched my Skoal can. So there I was a country bumpkin in the middle of a mosh pit at my first rock concert - Van Halen and had a blast. And that's how it's been for the better part of 15 years.

However, now that I seem to be mellowing out in my old age, I'm back into Country. Don't know how it happened, but it doesn't matter. I dusted off my Skoal Mint Long Cut tin and even picked up a new brand to add to my repitoire. Yes, save the lectures, I've heard them all. Lancaster is f'ing awesome stuff. It's dipped in molasses and tastes like candy. So, so good. Besides, I only chew it when I play ball. I don't do it otherwise. So shut up.

So I was sitting here trying to figure out how the hell I got back into Country music and it hit me. It has to be the women. I mean they're so much hotter than rocker chicks. I mean who would you rather do, Terri Clark or Lita Ford? Faith Hill? Or Courtney Love?

Yes, there's no contest. And I haven't even mentioned Shania Twain or Chely Wright.

I mean, my GOD!! There's no contest.

Ok, since most of you that read this drivel are women I'll give you one just so you can see where I'm coming from - Tim McGraw or David Lee Roth.

Yeah, that's what I thought.


Friday, August 19, 2005

Because I Need A Laugh

Yes, the last couple days have sucked in JP's world. So, in an order to make myself laugh I will post another 10 of my favorite comments from The Family Guy, aka the funniest show of all time.

10. (Walt Disney drawing Minnie Mouse and gives her a dirty look)
Minnie Mouse: Do I--do I have to?
(starts pulling dress off)
Walt Disney: You wanna be a star, don't you baby?!
Minnie Mouse: (Whimpers and dress falls to the floor.)
Walt Disney: Yeah, that's it! (Draws.)

9. Peter: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.
Brian: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

8. Counselor: I'd like to put video cameras in every room of your house so that I can observe your uncensored behavior.
Peter: Wow, just like that show Big Brother ... except somebody'll be watching.

7. Tom Tucker: Stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris, "Nature's Rubik's Cube".

6. Miss Ironbox: The filing is done Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Thank you Miss Ironbox. You are a valued
member of our business team and I will give you a
raise tomorrow if you come to work without a shirt on.
Miss Ironbox: Mr. Griffin!
Peter: I'm sor...I'm sorry, that came out wrong.
Lemme' try again. Nice ass.

5. Peter: It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you.
Lois: That's right, because all that's important is that I love you.
Peter: No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.

4. Stewie: Duck, duck, (slaps Janet on the head) GOOSE!
Janet cries.
Stewie: Oh come on I barely hit you! See this is why people don't respect the WNBA!

3. Cleveland: If you're this desperate about Chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest.

2. Peter: Lois, I cant find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend God so I let it rip in the vestibule after service.
Lois: Top drawer.

1. Brian: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa!
Peter: That's crazy...they'll just be hungry again in an hour.

Have a great weekend, everyone!!


Thursday, August 18, 2005

Sean John Name Change

See, my way of thinking of Mr. Combs is easier. I've just always called him "No Talent Ass Clown."


Diddy Drops the P.

R. Kelly must be ecstatic right now.

"It's the era of Diddy."

I'll be more interested when he becomes Dead-y.

So proclaimed the hip-hop impresario formerly known as Sean Combs, Puffy, Puff Daddy and now P. Diddy on Tuesday's Today Show, as he explained that he was changing his name once again.

Next up "The Diddler - Jus' Keepin' It Rizzeal"

The rap mogul last switched it up--from Puff Daddy to P. Diddy--in 2001, while seeking a "fresh start" after being acquitted on gun charges.

Must have been how he got off in the first place. I know I was successfully confused. Reasonable doubt really isn't all that hard to establish.

As for what brought about the latest change in moniker, the entertainer admitted that his previous name change left his fans uncertain of how to address him. "I felt like the 'P' was getting between me and my fans and now we're closer," Diddy said.

Insert golden shower joke here

"During concerts, half the crowd is saying 'P. Diddy'--half the crowd is chanting 'Diddy'--now everybody can just chant 'Diddy.' "

What are the odds J-Lo will come out and say his name should be "Little Diddy?"

He confessed that his unwieldy name was even starting to befuddle him. "I even started to get confused myself--and when I'd called someone on the telephone it took me a long time to explain who I was. Too long," Diddy told the New York Post. "One word. Five letters. Period," he added.

Sucks - one word. Five letters. Period. Sums up his music.

Of course, just talking about his new name isn't enough for the scene-making mogul, who's planning to throw his latest title a coming-out party of sorts when he hosts the MTV Video Music Awards on Aug. 28. "To be honest, the unveiling of Diddy, you gonna see that at the [Video Music Awards]," he told MTV News. "You gonna see that in the entrance. You gonna see that swagger. You gonna see how I'm gonna navigate you through the journey. I'm gonna play my position, my role. The artists are gonna play their role. We're gonna have an incredible, incredible party."

Someone please tell Diddy, or whatever the hell his name is today, that Ebonics is so 1995.

As usual, it's been a busy year for Diddy. In April, he announced a deal with Warner Music that gave the company a 50 percent interest in his Bad Boy Records label. Though exact figures were not released, it's estimated that Warner shelled out a cool $30 million in the deal.

Meanwhile, the multi-monikered one has also been dealing with various legal issues.

Last month, he settled a lawsuit with Random House over a $300,000 advance he received to pen his memoirs, which he never completed.

Diddy has also been battling his ex, Misa Hylton-Brim, over child support payments for their 11-year-old son, Justin.

After he was ordered by a judge in April to dole out more than $21,000 a month for the care of his son, the rap mogul vowed to appeal the ruling, claiming that Hylton-Brim was acting out of greed, rather than in the interest of their child.

Read about his legal troubles again. He made $30 million by selling 50% of his Bad Boy Record label and ONLY has to shell out $21k a month for child support? And he's bitching about that? What the hell? Sean Combs, Puffy, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, dickhead, asswipe, whatever, pay your child support.

And the next time you change your name, please think up a better excuse. This way the rest of us won't think you're a total imbecile.


Thursday, August 11, 2005

Shall We Play A Game?

Yes, I know this post will be in stark contrast to my last post, but I simply could not believe this story when I read it.

What happened to egging houses, cow tipping and playing "chicken" with a girl your age? A "choking game?" You've gotta be f'ing kidding me.

I mean, even though I have so much to add to this, I'll refrain from doing so because this is so unbelievable. This would have never occurred to my friends and I when we were growing up. Does that make us idiots or geniuses?


Mother missed signs of 'choking game'
California teen died seeking high with rope around neck

Wednesday, August 10, 2005; Posted: 6:18 a.m. EDT (10:18 GMT)

PARADISE, California (CNN) -- Looking back, Sarah Pacatte realizes she missed the warning signs.

But at the time, the mother of four thought maybe her 13-year-old son, Gabriel Mordecai, was smoking marijuana. She never imagined he was putting a rope around his neck and choking himself for a rush.

"A couple of months before he died, he became very hostile, very angry, and he complained of horrible headaches," Pacatte said. "Then I started seeing bloodshot eyes."

What killed him in May was the "choking game," one of the names for a practice in which children use their hands, arms, ropes or belts to cut oxygen to their brains and pass out.

Pacatte says she wants to warn other parents about the risks before it's too late for them.

"I feel a little bit of anger, but mostly I feel desperation and urgency," she says.

It's already too late for 13-year-old Chelsea Dunn of Idaho and 14-year-old Jason Linkins of North Carolina, whose deaths in recent years were among those thought to be the result of similar suffocation games.

Details of how the "game" is played, once passed among schoolmates, now spread on the Internet.

Gabriel's twin brother and best friend, Sam, says they learned of it from an older boy, who showed them how to hyperventilate and apply pressure to their necks.

"You kind of like pass out for a few seconds," Sam explains.

"It's a sensation ... like we've never experienced before," he said, calling it "weird."

But Gabriel's initial response was more enthusiastic, Sam says.

"It's awesome," he recalls his brother exclaiming.

"I really didn't like it that much," he says, adding that he did it out of peer pressure.

When Sarah found out her sons were playing, she told them to stop.

"Gabriel was argumentative about this game," Pacatte said. She recalls him saying, "What's the big deal? I'm not taking any drugs; I'm not drinking or anything."

"I said, 'The big deal is that every time you cut your oxygen off to your brain, you're causing brain damage little by little.'"

Children have likely been playing the "choking game" for a long time, Connecticut-based child psychologist Dr. Lawrence Shapiro told The Associated Press.

Shapiro, author of "The Secret Language of Children," told the AP that parents should discuss such dangerous behavior with their children, in addition to talking about drugs and alcohol.

"Younger kids don't know that they can die from this, that it's a very dangerous activity," Shapiro told the news agency.

But Gabriel loved the sensation, his mother said.

"It was almost like a drug," she said. "They crave it; they crave the high that they get from the lack of oxygen."

Gabriel began to play alone.

"One day he was doing it to himself," his brother says. "He stopped because I told him I was going to tell Mom."

Despite Pacatte's numerous warnings, Sam says Gabriel kept doing it -- often while their mother was at work.

The day before Gabriel died, she asked him about a mark on his neck.

"He looked at me kind of funny and he said, 'Don't worry mom, it's not a hickey,'" Pacatte says.

The next evening, while Pacatte was preparing dinner, Sam went into his room and found his brother with a rope around his neck. When his brother didn't respond, he yelled, "Gabe!"

"When I got to the bedroom door, Samuel was across the room behind his brother," Pacatte says. "He was holding his brother up under his arms."

Gabriel was airlifted to a hospital in Sacramento. Sarah and Sam made the gut-wrenching, two-hour journey by car.

They prayed at Gabriel's side, but 15 hours later, Pacatte says, "He died on life support. His body shut down."

Pacatte says their apartment is too quiet now.

"It's very hard to watch Sam be without his brother," she says. "We miss him so much."

She even misses the bickering.

"I miss the fighting," she says. "I'd gladly give up my life just to see those two kids fight."

The family takes some comfort in their memories of Gabriel and from the words in his journal.

"I plan to go to college for four years," Sam reads from his brother's writings. "I plan to send my mom about $500 a month to help support her."

Wiping away tears, Pacatte says that months later she remains angry and hurt.

"I have guilt, so much guilt, because I didn't save my baby," she says. "What a beautiful child; what a beautiful gift. And he's gone."

"In the blink of an eye, my boy is gone," she says.


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Family Guy

Ok, if you're not watching this show, you should be. It absolutely blows The Simpsons away in terms of pure hilarity. Each character has its own quirks and habits. Here are my top 10 favorite Family Guy quotes.

10. Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

9. Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): "If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert."

8. Stewie (to one of the prostitutes at Cleveland's house): So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

7. Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

6. Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

5. Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

4. God: Here, let me light that for you, babe.
(Zap with Thunderbolt to the cigarette)
Girl: Hey, thanks!
God: Yep, magic fingers (chuckles).
(Zap with Thunderbolt to the girl incinerating her.)
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We're outta here!

3. Peter: (Walks out of the bathroom and wanders into another room. He walks into the room and walks behind the bed. We find out that this is Chris' room.) Hey, you still awake, Lois honey? (Peter lays down into Chris' bed.)
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh, Shh, Shh, Shh. Don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck. My hands on your big soft boobs...running down your big man-like chest. (Peter jumps up.) Holy crap, It's Chris!! Uhh...Uhh...So, uhh...How ya doin'? You do all your homework?
Chris: (nods his head.)
Peter: Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good, just uhh, just checkin'. (Backs towards the door.) Have a good night son. (Walks down the hall.)
Peter: You still awake honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

2. Lois: I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial Lois, not a delicious thanksgiving dinner.

1. Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.

Here's an added bonus video. Shows the brilliance in the writing and animation on this show. Click Me

I'm telling you, watch this show. You won't be disappointed.


Thursday, August 04, 2005

He Needed The Scores

Holy crap. Can you get more effed in the head than this guy? She probably should have let him find out the score of the Yankees game (because no way in Hell does a Sox fan do this).

PANAMA CITY, Fla. -- A man who got angry with his wife because she wanted to cuddle after sex when what he really wanted to do was watch sports on television was sentenced to death for killing her with a claw hammer.

A claw hammer? What, was the chain saw just out of reach? Who kills someone with a claw hammer?

Christopher Offord, 30, was sentenced Wednesday by Circuit Judge Dedee Costello, who said the brutality of the crime outweighed any mental problems Offord may have had.

We're going to call this judge "Judge Duh." I mean, c'mon she had to go to law school and kiss major political ass to sit on the bench and make that ruling? I don't care if you're the most insane person in the world, you don't take a claw hammer to someone you just used your own personal tool on.

"The defendant struck his wife approximately 70 individual blows after spending a happy interlude with her," the judge said. "Her desire to cuddle after sex does not justify the extremely violent, brutal response of the defendant."

Yes, after sex most guys (present company excluded, of course) have these thoughts, but who the hell acts on them? I want to have this guy's energy. He just had sex, presumably showed her the O face and STILL had enough energy to hit her 70 times with a claw hammer? What is this guy, superhuman?

Offord pleaded guilty to first-degree murder in the 2004 slaying of Dana Noser, 40, at his apartment.

Looks like he got some solid legal advice there. I mean there's really no other way to plead in this case. You screw some chick then you crack her head open because she wants to cuddle instead of watching sports, you're guilty as the sin you just committed.

He confessed to a bartender at a sports bar before his arrest. He told investigators that his wife had been nagging him to come back to bed.

Reason #154 why I'd never become a bartender.

Offord did not speak in court but said in a jailhouse interview in June: "I figured I killed her so I deserve to die."

Boy is he off. He doesn't deserve to die. He deserves to be smacked in the package with a claw hammer, then castrated AND violently gang raped in the prison showers daily. But that's just me.


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Hot for Teacher

N.Y. Teacher Accused of Raping Boy
Tuesday, August 02, 2005

ALBANY, N.Y. — A 42-year-old teacher at a Catholic school who was charged with rape for allegedly having sex with an underage male student posted a $20,000 bond Tuesday and was released from jail.

Authorities said Sandra Beth Geisel had sex with four students from the Christian Brothers Academy in Colonie, N.Y., but in three of the cases the boys were 17-years-old and therefore were legally able to give their consent. Geisel faces sexual assault charges for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old boy.

John Aretakis, who has represented alleged victims of clerical sexual abuse (search) and is now the lawyer for a 17-year-old CBA student who allegedly had sex with Geisel, said the school ignored her "bizarre and irresponsible behavior" for months.

Geisel, a mother of four, was fired from the school in June. She was on the school's payroll first as an English teacher and then as a volunteer in the school's writing lab.

Police in Cohoes, a town adjacent to Colonie, responded to a resident's call June 11 about a suspicious parked car. Police said they found Geisel and a 17-year-old student inside the car.

About a week later, the school sent a letter to parents about the alleged affair, though officials didn't identify the teacher. Officials said they'd found the conduct inappropriate.

For more on the story from Albany's local paper, The Times Union, click here.

After reports of Geisel's dismissal spread, a 16-year-old student, at the urging of his parents, reported to Colonie police that he'd had two sexual encounters with her, according to the Troy Record.

"If [Geisel] were a man, she'd likely be referred to as a predator," said Colonie Police Chief Steven Heider.

Geisel faces 16 years in prison.

Heider said Geisel first had sex with the 16-year-old the night of May 15 in her Latham home, and then again on the night of May 28 in the press box at the school's football field.

Signed statements by the boy and others describe a number of sexual encounters involving the former teacher.

On the online, Geisel won lascivious praise from one — and real admiration from others.

For example, one student went online in March to pant, "down boy down — get what I'm saying guys." Another, last November, declared her "much more" than "just a pretty face." Another, in February, called her an "amazing writer."

I have to ask - where the hell were all these horny female teachers when I was 16-17? I couldn't even get a freshman to slow dance with me back then, let alone get someone who knew what they were doing to touch my pee-pee.

I'm not saying that what she did was right, but 16 years in prison for having consentual sex with a 16 year old boy? That's a little harsh in my book.

No, it's not right for this woman to have sex with 4 kids (especially when she has 4 of her own). But 16 years for performing a probably much-needed service for a 16 year old? Please. Show me a 16 or 17 year old that's going to turn down some freaky freaky from an older woman and I'll show you a closet homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Ban her from teaching. But don't lock her up until she's almost 60. That's just wrong.


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