Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Thanksgiving Changes

Since things in my life are changing at an alarming rate, why should Thanksgiving be any different? This year I'll have my kids for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so it'll be the same as always (sans wife), but I'm sure there will come a time when I'll be alone for one or the other.

Rather than eat a turkey sandwich from Boston Market I've decided to re-create a traditional Holiday meal (without me actually cooking. I do plan to have plenty of alcohol, however).

I invite you to audition for one of the following roles that will be vacated when my divorce is final. You can also feel free to create your own and submit.

1. Father- Must be intoxicated well before the meal begins and begin unbuttoning the pants around meal time. You may be de-panted by dessert. Bonus points if you have your hand tucked into the waistband of your BVDs.

2. Mother- Obsessive-compulsives are encouraged to apply. Ability to cry randomly due to such things as the color of the cranberries or your son being a jackass is a plus. Extreme bonus points if you get slobberknockered on egg nog and tell everyone at the table that I'm not good enough for your daughter.

3. Drunk Uncle- Creepy, jobless, and completely fucked up on various hard liquors and other substances. This is a job for someone on the plump side with the uncanny knack for saying the wrong thing to other family members and then falling asleep by the mailbox. Extra credit if you're facedown in your own puke as well.

4. Cousin #1- Completely silent. Has been since 1996. We're not even sure if he can talk.

5. Cousin #2- Attends Ivy League Medical/Law/Business school. Must be clearly embarassed of family and have important people to call on the cell during dinner. Must wear Abercrombie clothes and refer to all women as "Buffy."

6. Cousin #3- Felon. Just got out of the joint for stealing a pig from a farm. I wish I made that up.

7. Cousin #4- On 3rd Marriage with 2 kids and 2 stepkids. Ok, this one isn't that funny....

8. Cousin #4's Wife- Was a trophy wife. After she squirted out her second kid, Cousin #4 started eye fucking every woman in sight, my mother-in-law included. Yeesh.

9. P.I.G.- Person Invited by Guilt. Could be a lonely office rat or the neighbor who stands outside the window staring inside and looking morose. Very helpful if you look like a loner and have no social skills. Laugh loudly at family jokes and dispense advice to children. Come very overdressed and have a bottle of something disgusting. Must cry in the bathroom.

There you go. I'm now taking applications.


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