Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Holidays!!


Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Dear Honda Owners,

I don't want to race you.

That's right, I'm the exact opposite of interested in trying to challenge you and your faux supercar in a drag race between stoplights downtown. I don't know why you all feel the need to glare at me while the light is red. You don't have to change your grip on the steering wheel like its a pair of motorcycle handlebars, either. You especially don't need to rev your four-cylinder with its loud exhaust system because you might tempt me to want to race you.

I don't.

What really gets me, though, is with the abundance of similarly craptastic Hondas out there, why do you want to race me? The way I figure it, you want to race everything in sight. My Suburban has less than 250 horsepower and the aerodynamics of a barn. However, I suppose the near-verticle air dam which is my windshield isn't neccesarily discouraging to someone who puts a fucking wing on the back of a front wheel drive car. More downforce for the rear wheels then, eh? That way you can accelerate faster, right? Great work, dipshit.

But seriously. I don't get it. I don't ask you to go drive trails with me. I don't wave and say 'lets go haul ass through a mud pit'. Sure, I spend about as much time off pavement as you do on the track, but at least I can tell the difference between a race car and a 4x4. Does my Suburban look like a challenge or something? Do you and your Honda friends get together and say 'Dood! I just beat that Suburban with the 20's, DVD player/TV and low gears! I'm so fast!' And after said conversation, do you all perform a circle-jerk? Are you the pivot man? Or are you just in charge of clean up?

The way I figure it, your car sucks so much, you can't beat any of the other Hondas, and sure as hell don't want to admit defeat. Instead of buying a genuinely fast car, you choose to get your rocks off racing easy vehicles in your piece of shit. Way to go, badass! I'm proud of you! Why don't we get together and beat up some kids later. I'll let you sucker punch a baby. It will be hardcore.

Seriously, though. Please, please, the next time you see me, or any other non-challenging vehicle at a light, don't antagonize them and encourage them to 'race.' Instead, pull your head our of your ass, and realize that your hatchback is probably faster than a minivan, delivery truck, recreational vehicle, bicycle, u-haul, and other similar underpowered non/aerodynamic vehicles. Oh, and don't forget, you're probably faster than me, too. But I wouldn't count on it.

Go play some more Gran Turismo, and quit being a jackass.


Thursday, December 15, 2005

Six Easy Steps For An Enjoyable Holiday Office Party

Yes, the season is upon us, folks. Time for offices everywhere to come together and unite for one single cause - getting absolutely snockered on the company's dime. Yes, some of these parties can be pretentious and boring (like mine promises to be, later today actually). However, if you apply these six things to your party, it will liven things up considerably.

1. Dive right in: Rather than having a glass of wine or a beer, jump riiiight in to the heavy stuff. You should even do it before all the guests get there to ensure that you get maximum exposure to clients and bosses at your absolute drunkest. I choose top-shelf vodka. Bonus: You tell the bartender "not to be shy" as she's pouring it because, after all, this is an open bar.

2. Talk openly about office politics: Tact is cool in the office, but it has no place at the cocktail party. You might want to tell your boss exactly why it is that "everyone hates" her. Bonus: You tell your clients that you're actually writing a book about your company, and that it's going to be the next "The Devil Wears Prada."

3. Talk about sports: For example, when the Vice President of the company that just acquired your office says "I love Steve McNair, he's my favorite QB," You should stand up and say "McNair's a pussy." Don't leave it alone, either, point to people in the bar who you think could kick Steve McNair's ass and mouth the words "pussy" to her for the rest of the evening. Bonus: You form a triangle with your hands and move it towards your crotch as you say "pussy."

4. Be cool: Sure, they hired you to do a job, but goshdarnit you're cool and you should let your coworkers know it. The best thing to do is tell ridiculous stories from your past. Also, you should not censor yourself in any way. If you're telling the story about how you clogged the toilet at a french bistro in Oakland, go ahead and leave no detail unmentioned. By saying things like "my shit was so big, I had to stand up to finish" or "I knew it was going to be a clogger when it broke the water line" you're letting them know that you're cool AND creative. Bonus: as you're making the 'plunging' hand-gestures you knock a glass of wine out of someone's hand.

5. Hit on cocktail waitresses: This is actually a rarely used move, but if you see an attractive waitress HIT ON HER! It's not every day that some guy as charming and hammered as you makes nice with a suggestively dressed waitress, so go ahead and give her your business card! Write something quirky and original on the back, like "Nice skirt, wanna fuck?" before you slip it to her, also. Everyone you work with will be impressed with how suave you are. Bonus: You never bother to get her name, but instead refer to her by the appetizer on her tray. "Hey tuna-tartar my name's JP," or "Chickenballs, you're really cute."

6. Stay late and then call people who have left: Just because the party's over, it doesn't mean it's time to go to bed! Go drink some more and call your colleagues to remind them how funny you are! "Remember when I told everyone that my favorite movie was Humplestiltskin?" And if they've turned off their phones (f'n ass monkeys) don't be afraid to leave mean messages letting them know "how weak it was that you bailed so early" and so forth. Bonus: when the open bar turns to a cash bar you loudly yell "BOOOO!" and ask your boss to "spot you a $20."

Following these six easy tips will ensure a pleasant post-party day at the office.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Dear Secretary

While I do appreciate everything you do around here, really, there are a few things I need to get off my chest. Yes, I realize that you're not my official secretary but please take a memo. Or something.

1. i can't tell you how fucking irritating it is that you always type your emails in lower case. we all learned in first grade that the first letter of a sentence is always capitalized, names are capitalized, and when referring to yourself, "i" is capitalized. you're a secretary for christ's sake. nobody, especially you, is that fucking busy to make one extra mother-fucking keystroke to properly punctuate.

2. In the same vein: Please, quit using the asshat Smiley Face, Wink Face, Sad Face, or Crying Face characters in your emails. I am going to walk over to your cubicle and Kick You In The Face if you persist with using those stupid little emoticons or whatever the fuck they're called. The last thing I want to see in your email is some retarded yellow blob, bouncing up and down with its eyes bugging out, and its tongue wagging at me. Knock that shit off. We're grown adults. It's embarrassing. Really.

3. I don't care, and really don't want to hear, about your personal health issues. I understand you are getting a little long in the tooth these days, and have scheduled more doctor appointments than that fucking boy in the bubble. Honestly, I don't really care. What bothers me is that you felt compelled to explain how the gynecologist kept you in stirrups for "hours" with your clothes off. I really did not need to visualize your saggy, white cottage cheese-ass and varicose-veined legs pinned up, spread eagle into the air. That was so very, very wrong of you to burn such a vile image into the deep recesses of my ganglia. Shame on you.

4. You are *right outside* my office door. You have a cubicle, which is generally not conducive to keeping conversations private. When you're on the phone, making personal calls, guess what? I can hear you. Again, I'm not a hard ass, and I could give a shit if you make personal calls. But if you're going to talk TO YOUR DAUGHTER about how badly you need "dick" (and I'm not talking about Richard, either) - please do it somewhere else. Although I understand that women over 55 need sex too, the thought of you getting "dick" in any shape or form, honestly, makes me want to become celibate. For all that is good and sacred, please stop.

5. I don't do the hiring or the firing here, and I don't have anything to do with how much money you make. So don't complain to me. I realize you have a car payment and rent. Guess what? So does almost everyone else, sweets. Make it work. Maybe instead of buying out Nordstrom's make-up department and using every known cosmetic cover-up known to mankind, perhaps you could use some of that money for your bills? Hmmmm. Just a thought.

6. You're a short, pudgy woman. God cursed you and holy shit do you hold a grudge. But you don't have to make it up for it by playing Hitler around here to the rest of the staff. In particular, there is the hot little number they just hired in office services, and already, she's complained about the way you've been treating her. God help you if she quits because of you. I have never been happier coming to work these last few weeks, lusting after this particular hottie like a sex-starved teenager. Don't screw it up or I'll take away your computer and force you to use carbon paper and that old manual typewriter in the storage room. Good luck surfing the 'net on that.

7. Last, but certainly not least, BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Oh. My. God. What in the holy fuck do you eat in the morning? Onion and garlic sandwiches with a side of shit? Within 30 seconds of you arriving here each morning, those horrific, hell-sent mutant molecules from your disgusting piehole find their way into my office, mounting a full-on assault. I brace myself, because I know within moments you will step foot into my office, spouting your fog of pure evil into my face, forcing me to internally chant "smells like roses ... smells like roses ... smells like roses" to keep you from wearing my marionberry muffin all over the front of your blouse. All this could be prevented with a $3 Oral B and some fucking Colgate. Please. I beg you. Brush those things.

Okay, that should do it. Thanks.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

Men's Room Etiquette - For The Last Time

Yes, I know my problems with public restrooms have been well-documented on this site, but after having no choice but to use the toilet here at work this morning along with the idiotic fucktards that occupy this floor, I just can't stand it any more. I promise, this will be my last rant on this subject. Well, until something else happens.

I’m a reasonable guy. However, I am repeatedly exposed to some pretty unreasonable things. It’s hard enough to wake up each morning and drag my ass to work, the last thing I need is to deal with a bunch of fucking weirdos that don’t know how to co-exist in a communal restroom.

If I had it my way, there would be a series of private, single-occupancy restrooms instead of the shit corral we are forced to deal with, but that point is moot. I understand the concept of efficiency in a building designed to house many people and that having a shared bathroom is a necessity. Personally, if I wanted to use a trough, I’d be a pig. But hey, we all have our crosses to bear.

So in the meantime, let me help a few of you disgusting guys out with a few rules that you should follow.

#1. Maximize distance - If you are the only one at a line of urinals or stalls, select one at either end, NOT the fucking middle. Choosing the middle forces other men to stand as near to you as possible and pull their dicks out and pee. For Christ’s sake they are peeing right next to you, PEEING!

Even more importantly is the stall selection. Always chose a stall that is as far from another occupied stall as possible. If I’m taking a shit, do NOT come into the stall next to me. Thanks so much you fucking fecalpheliac, now there is half a foot separating me from another man who is taking a shit, one inch of which is some metal. I don’t want to hear you and I don’t want to smell you. I just want to finish up and get back to my job and continue to pretend I don’t hate the lady in the office next to mine.

In addition, please use the sink farthest from the urinals as well to wash your hands. In fact, do me the favor of slightly turning your back to me while I piss.

#2. Get in, Get out - Don’t dawdle in the men’s room. Get in there, do your thing, WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS and go. Who the hell are these guys that seem to be meandering around the restroom. Don’t talk to me, don’t talk to other people, get off your cell phone, don’t have a meeting in there. In fact, don’t have a little chat right outside the restroom door. Not only will you have to hear men inside evacuating their bowels, but the person you stopped to talk to in order bring up that one thing from that meeting yesterday that you just wanted to clarify a few things about, has probably got to piss pretty bad and you are such a self-centered piece of shit that you don’t even realize that the guy in front of you crossing his legs, grabbing his crotch and sweating isn’t even listening to you anymore because his bladder is about to rupture into his body cavity.

Oh hey, Mr. Oral Hygiene. It’s great that you take good care of your teeth, but perhaps after lunchtime, when the men’s room is at maximum occupancy, brushing and flossing for 15 minutes isn’t the best thing. Doesn’t it bother you that people are shitting a few feet from you as you slide your waxed cinnamon floss over your pearly whites? No, I forgot, one of you actually sits on the shitter while brushing. Fucking sick, man. Just gross.

#3 Privacy - While this isn’t the easiest thing to maintain in a room full of people crapping and pissing, there are a few things you can do to at least make the pretense that you are minding your own business.

Close the god damned door! Sometimes I use the stall to pee. It’s more private and I’m good enough to put the seat up, and so should you. However, am I the only guy in the world considerate enough to close the door behind me? I think I’ve crippled a few guys because I walk into the stall with the open door and smash the door into the spine of some moron who decided for some unknown reason that they didn’t need to close the door behind them. Way to go there guy, I hope that leaves a permanent scar to remind you to not do that again.

Eyes forward you fucking pervert. Don’t look over at me. Am I looking at you? No I’m not. I’m minding my own business. I don’t care how big your dick is and you shouldn’t care about mine. Don’t fucking talk to me while I’m peeing. What the fuck? Who would ever even think this is an ok thing to do? It’s one thing if I’m out drinking with my friends and I run into a pal in the john and we comment on how the waitress with the huge tits needs to get the taste fucked out of her mouth, but we aren’t doing that are we? No, we are at work. I don’t even want to talk to you in the lunchroom; the bathroom is out of the question. Go away, drop dead, stop talking to me or I’m going to go Columbine on this whole place I swear.

Look, I’m a nice guy. I just want a quiet, private place to do my business and go. That’s not so much to ask is it?


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Office Speak That Needs To Go

Ok, I’ve worked in enough different offices to where I am qualified to talk about this. In a regular office environment you hear the same stupid-ass phrases over and over again and it just makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs and kill that person.

Here’s JP’s list of Office Phrases That Need To Go:

1)“Clusterfuck” - Why is everything that has the slightest error or problem referred to as a clusterfuck? Can someone tell me? Every time someone fucks up you will hear “oh shit man, Penny got wasted at the client meeting and began calling the CEOs assholes and then took a shit on the conference room table, it was a real clusterfuck.” Yes, Penny is now fired, but I wouldn’t call that a clusterfuck. I’d call that natural selection.

2)“Thrown under the bus” – Apparently, when you get fucked over by your co-workers you get “thrown under the bus,” like the people who got hit by busses are real glad they are associated with these office shitheads. “You hear about John? He fucked his secretary on the break room floor, then she told his wife who quickly took half his shit and left him for dead. She really threw him under the bus!” (Both the secretary and wife could be the ones who threw him under the bus in this example).

3)“Touch base”- This is not baseball, people. There is no need to refer to baseball in the office. “I’ll call you back and we’ll touch bases next week.” Oh yeah? How about I grab a bat, smack you in the solar plexis with it and then we’ll talk?

4)“Shoot me an email”- How about I just shoot you in the face instead?

5)“I’ll see what I can do on my end” – No you won’t. You will wait till that fucker calls you back and bends to your will. You might make a concession or two, but you really want the other asshole to get off his ass and do what he needs to do in order to make your job easier. We don’t need this bullshit phrase to act like we are really doing anything extra after we hang up the phone, because in reality we’re not.

6)“Seeing a lot of potential” – This might just be me, but I hear this phrase all the fucking time. We see a lot of potential for growth, we see a lot of potential for revenue, we see a lot of potential to settle this case,” etc. We see a lot of potential for me to crush your larynx. This is the shit you say to your sister about her retarded kid who finger-paints well, “I see a lot of potential in Billy. If it weren’t for that lazy eye and dent in his forehead, he would be a great artist.”

7)“Come in to work on time.” – Who the fuck are you, my mother? I’ll come into work when I damn well please, bitch. So what if I’m 47 minutes late? At least I came in. I’m hungover as hell and I am not going to do shit but surf the internet and stare at my office wall, but at least I made it in. Shit, I get no appreciation these days.

8)“Stop fucking my wife sir” – Ok, I admit I haven’t heard this but I would give my third testicle to. It would make a great office party story.

9)“With this economy we really have to decrease our profit margins and…..” – Just kill that motherfucker before he finishes. He is bullshitting you to no end. Kill him and take a dump on his chest. He deserves no mercy.

10) “Screw the Pooch” – Bestiality, people, it’s illegal (in most states, anyhow). It is no more appropriate to say “Boy that Dan sure screwed the underage children when he forgot he forgot his brief for the meeting.” We should lock people who use that phrase this like the sick bastards they are (Uncle Eddie, I forgive you) with the real child molesters – that’ll teach ‘em a thing or two.

11)”Brown-noser/Suck-up” – I know some of you will be pissed at me for adding this, but it has to go. This is getting old and we must find something else. Because everyone that gets a raise, does more work, has the slightest authority over you, or just has a hotter wife, is a brown-noser or suck-up. We can do better. How about “Fucktard,” “Shit-Eater,” or “Management-Whorebag?”

12)”The phone is ringing off the hook” – Impossible. Even if you have multiple lines and the phone is “ringing off the hook,” here’s a suggestion: don’t pick it up. Unless you are curing cancer (which many business people like to think they are doing) you do not have to answer the god damn phone every time it rings. If it is an important call, they will leave a message and you can call them back, after you take a shit, nap and have a cup of coffee, of course. So, turn off your ringer and stop using this phrase and telling me “how busy and important you are” or I will rip that phone out of your hand and smash your nuts with it.

13)”Remove from list” – This is more of an email thing, but equally annoying and infuriating. This is especially common occurrence with the office fuckwads who are emailing each other back and forth using the “send to all employees” list and you are forced to read these moronic comebacks and pathetic attempts to be funny to escape there pathetic and shit-filled jobs (unless you’re me because my responses are witty and funny). But even more frustrating is someone, most of the time a manager, will send a simple “remove from list” to be funny and quaint, in a passive-aggressive shit-eating grin way. You know what I like to do after that? I sign them up for every Viagra, Teen/Amateur Sex, Penis enlargement, Tit-enhancement, High-school diploma, Free Sample, G.E.D., Bestiality, and gay spam that I can possibly find (most are already in my mailbox). So for the next few months they are forced to write “Remove from list” over and over again till their fingers bleed.

14) “You’re getting a raise!” – Sorry, never heard it.

15)”Someone has the cases of the Moondays” – Don’t get me wrong, I love Office Space. It is one of the funniest movies ever. But I never heard this phrase until I heard it from that movie, and now every Monday rolls around you can’t walk ten feet with out some assclown saying it. You know what? Every day is the same to me, I’m always hungover and tired in the morning. I do not work at the fireworks, naked women and beer factory so I do not have a “super” time at work everyday. Next time I’ll tell them, “you know what? I’m taking next Monday off so I can go fuck your sister.” I guarantee that will be the last time you hear shit from that person.

16) “These receipts don’t match your expense report” – ‘You know why? Because I was off getting shitfaced at a strip club and buying hookers on the company’s dime.’ Damn I would love to say that to the penny-pinching cunt who works payroll. Does every bitch in the world have to work at this position in every company in the world? I mean seriously, is it a prerequisite? Do you have to be the spawn of everything that is unholy to work in accounting? They all think they are the god of gods too. Next time that power-hungry bitch says this to me, I am going to buy a case of douche rags and put them on her desk anonymously. Then when the month rolls around I will put them on my expense report labeled “Office Supplies” and turn it in to her.

17) “On the fence” – Another phrase common in the business world. “Karl doesn’t know which temp to fuck. He could fuck Jessie, because she has a nice ass, or he could fuck Erica with the huge tits. He is really on the fence with this decision.” It is called hesitation people, people do it when they are thinking or stalling (most of the time stalling). I think you need to “push them over the fence”. “Frank, you need to push these clients over the fence and convince them that our anal lube is the best. The best god dammit!” I would like to push you over the fence sir, and I hope on the other side of that fence is a large, steep and rocky cliff.

18)”Can you get me a cup of coffee?” – Fuck you! Get your own coffee prick! Does it say “office bitch” on my shirt? Oh right it does, sorry sir, I will get your coffee right away…(unzipping fly).

19) “Ramp up”- ‘Ok Jim, we have a lot of child porn to push this quarter, so we have to ramp up at our street flyers for this week.’ Ramp up this, ramp up that, are more fake words for managers to try to sound like they are getting us to do more work. You know what? That isn’t going to happen, I have the same routine everyday no matter what time of the year it is, and 37% effort is as high as I go. When I get told to ramp up for the New Year, I call in sick the next day just to piss the ass monkey off. How about I break your legs and your ugly wife can push your gimp ass up and down the handicap ramps for awhile? Will that, for the love of god, make you not use this phrase again?

20) “Action items” – For people who use this word, everything is a fucking action item to them. What the fuck constitutes an action item? The way this fudge-packer talks at work, my left nut is an action item. The next time this queef tells me to check my action items and have them handled, I’m going to whip out my dick and slap it on his desk and say “I got a new action item for you to handle.” These people should be tied to the back of a bus and dragged for several miles.

21) This is not really a phrase more of a thing you have to do all fucking day long – “Hey/How you doing? /What’s up” or any other form of “hi.” Why must I spend all day saying hello to people I see everyday? “Hey JP, what’s up?”, “Well Jeb, I am actually still drunk from last night and I have no concept of right and wrong anymore. I think I’m going kill a goat then have sex with it. You?” It’s just annoying people. I might be ok with the head nod, but I feel like a goddamn bobble-head doll in work everyday. I saw you in the morning; I do not need to say “hey” at 8:45, 1:17, and 2:55. Does it really do anything? Do people go back to their desk and wonder, “That bitch Janice, didn’t ask me ‘what’s up’ after I got back from lunch. I think the next time I see her I’m going to cut her fingers off.” Let’s just have one “Hi” on Monday and just end it. The only exception is all the hot girls from the office, keeping doing what you’re doing. You know who you are. It’s the only thing I look forward to in the morning. You know it and I know it.

22) “I have a lot on my plate right now”- Bullshit. This is for people who want to sound like they are important and busy and do not have time to do anything else. I will tell you right now, I do not. This is a good phrase to throw to attorneys when they try to give you extra assignments or projects. “Frankly, I have a lot on my plate as it. I can’t handle anything, until I fully clear my plate, run the dishwasher, take a shit, and then take a nap. I’m sorry, your dry cleaning will just have to wait, boss.” I’ll stop using it if you guys stop using it. We can do this together people.

23) “Think outside the box” – This is what insane people do. Don’t you want normal, god-fearing citizens to work for you and not a bunch of crazies? “You know Jim forgot his lunch today, but he ate his own fecal matter to save time and money. I like how he thinks outside the box.” This is just maddening to hear from people who should be thrown in to large cardboard boxes and beaten with golf clubs and thrown into a contaminated river.

24) “Pipeline” – This is often used to give you busy work. “We need to fill the pipeline” or “we have a lot of data in the pipeline” are both common phrases that make you want to beat yourself senseless with a lead pipe in order to escape this office lingo. If it is at all possible I would suggest taking a dump in the person’s desk drawer to silence them.

25) “PO and Invoice”- Why don’t we just use the simple actual words these things refer to? One is a ‘bill’ and the other is a ‘receipt’. There is no reason to make paying a bill anymore complicated than it already is. This is really simple and even Leonard, the slow-witted guy from accounting, with the breath that smells like he ate a shit, garlic and onion sandwich for breakfast, can understand with minimal assistance.

That’s all for now. Feel free to add any you think warrants mentioning as well. I will now go hit myself in the head with a tack hammer.


Thursday, December 01, 2005

We All Know You Love The Holidays

Dear Co-Worker,

You might think that it was when you began decorating your office on the first work day after Thanksgiving. But even then, most of us were thinking "oh...she just wants to brighten up the place" or "early bird gets the worm" or some other stupid-ass cliche.

You might even think that it was when you stepped it up to wearing red and green every day beginning November 28th, or when you sent an email around to get everyone together to pick their "secret santa" that we all of the sudden had a V8 moment and thought "Damn...this woman LOVES THE FUCKING HOLIDAYS!"

But you'd be wrong. And the reason you'd be wrong is this: ALMOST EVERYONE LOVES THE HOLIDAYS. You don't have to prove it to anyone, it's just a fucking fact.

So that's why I personally feel it was unnecessary for you to do the following:

1) Must you play that fucking christmas music all fucking day long? Must it be turned up so loud that you'd be able to hear it over a jet engine. Must I have to knock on your wall when I'm on the phone with a client to get you to turn it down?

2) Is it really necessary to remind me (every single day, no less) how many days are left until Christmas? I do, in fact, own a calendar. And, last time I checked, Christmas was clearly marked as December 25th. Also, I've been a pretty strong "counter" since I was a little boy. Believe me, I can do the math to figure out how many days without your assistance.

3) While I do enjoy chocolates, I don't want to find them on my chair. Especially when the discovery takes place AFTER I SIT DOWN! Do you think Santa will put a new pair of pants under my tree this year? Your ass is mine if people around here take to calling me "skid mark."

All I can think about, though, is your smarmy little worm of a husband and how he must dread this time of year. Seeing that bubbly enthusiasm ripple across your chunky chipmunk-like face must drive that poor man to homicidal ideations. I mean, I only deal with you during the work week and I'm pretty much close to killing you every other Wednesday...but to spend my entire life with you?

Jesus, that poor man.

Maybe Santa will bring him a shotgun.


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