Friday, July 29, 2005

The Shitter's Full

Ok, there's another line from one of my favorite all time movies. Anyone have an idea who said it and in what movie? No cash prizes, only brownie points awarded.

Working in a public, professional office building (sorry no photo of my building readily available), is quite different from working at my last gig (same firm as Miss Vicki) which was in a big, beautiful house. The major difference is having to share a restroom with not only your co-workers and clients but the other law firm that is on our floor and their clients.

Now, when I say there's another law firm on our floor, I use that term loosely. They're not a law firm in the traditional sense of the word. They don't have a "firm name," which leads me to believe that they're just office "mates" kind of like roommates. They lease this office space (which probably costs them upwards of $5500/month, but they split the rent). They are not affiliated with one another. Most likely, they're all solo practitioners who split everything - overhead, office staff, etc.

On the surface, that's a pretty good arrangement. Especially if you get 5 or 6 attorneys in the same space. However, looking closer at this firm makes one believe that they were all found on some weird fetish personals ad in Willamette Week or some shit like that. If that's true, I'd imagine the ad would have read something like this:

Masculine female attorney who loves to wear bowties and no underwear seeks similar freakish attorneys with in-fucking-sane bathroom habits to share life, laughter and office space.

Seriously, these people all look like they were born out of an incestuous relationship. What makes it worse is their collective bathroom demeanor. The guys in this office ALL do weird things in the bathroom.

Now, I'm pretty shy when it comes to using the work restroom. I mean, I absolutely try not to go #2 in there...if at all possible. Yes, I'm the original "Shit Break". However, these guys not only use the toilets, but announce their presence with authority.

Now the way the men's restroom is set up is there's 3 stalls right next to each other, with the last one being a handicapped stall (read bigger and cleaner). Next to the first stall is the glorious urinal. However, when someone's in the first stall and you're trying to use the urinal, your foot is literally INCHES away from the dude in the stall. That's just too freaking weird for me, so I'll wait.

Now that you get the basic layout of the joint, let me tell you about the men in that "firm" across the hall. One of them comes in brushing his teeth everyday after lunch. Now, it's bad enough that this guy has been walking down the hallway brushing his teeth, but he'll proceed into the first stall and sit down to do his business WHILE STILL BRUSHING HIS TEETH. This is why I stopped using the restroom right after lunch. I mean that's just a waste of my lunch money. Am I the only one that sees anything wrong with this? You don't brush your teeth while you're sitting on the pot. You just don't. There is no room for argument here. None whatsoever.

I venture in there to use the restroom the yesterday and another one of the guys from the other office comes in right after me, proceeds to the second stall, sits down and immediately lets out the biggest, loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. As if that wasn't enough, he then starts straining loudly. After it was apparent that this dude was actively trying to blow out an O-ring, I left. I couldn't stomach it any longer.

As I leave the restroom, I run into our receptionist and relay the story to her. She then tells me that the women from the other office are no better. Seems that one of them sings at the top of her lungs while dropping a deuce. Just yesterday I was informed that her song o' the day was "The 12 Days of Christmas." WTF? I'm chalking that one up to her celebrating Christmas in July.

Yet another one of the women from the other office will talk on her cell phone in Russian while she's bombing Australia (you know, down under) from her perch. I thought guys were the only creatures that would talk on the phone while doing that. And by "guys," I mean guys other than me. I have had conversations with my guy friends where I have heard a *whoosh* about half-way through the conversation. Mortifies me every single time. Our receptionist was joking that they either need a set of "Bathroom Etiquette" rules or bumper stickers to explain the proper way to act in a public restroom. I think one of the bumper stickers should read "While you crap, please shut your yap." But that's just me.

So, if you are an unemployed freakish-looking bathroom weirdo, please email me and I will direct you to a place that you can't help but get a job. They'll love you.


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My Favorite Movie Quotes

Ok, keeping with the whole "movie" theme (since I watch movies every chance I get and all), here are my favorite all time movie quotes.

First from Pulp Fiction - Probably my number one all time favorite movie:

Jules: What country you from!
Brett: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"
Brett: What?
Jules: English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?
Brett: Yes.
Jules: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?
Brett: Yes.
Jules: Now describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: What?
Jules: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time! Now describe to me what Marsellus Wallace looks like!


Lance: But she's got breast plates. So what you got to do, you got to bring the needle down in a stabbing motion. [Makes three stabbing motions with hand.]
Vincent: I gotta stab her three times?

One of the funniest movies of all time - Office Space:

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and
Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you [printer starts beeping]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?


Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.


Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.


Michael Bolton: If we get caught, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison!


Another laugh right out loud movie - There's Something About Mary:

[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.


Mary's Step-Dad: How'd you get the beans above the frank?
Warren: Franks and beans, franks and beans, franks and beans.


American Pie - one of the truly new classics:

Michelle: Ohh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [Choking on his beer.] Excuse me?
Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.


Fast Times at Ridgemont High - one of the truly old classics:

Mike Damone: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

[NOTE: I've actually repeated this whole passage a time or two in my day]


[After Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car.]
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.


Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett: A quart or so.


Major League - Always good to quote this stuff on the ballfield.

Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.


Harry Doyle: Vaughn's first pitch. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuust a bit outside. Tried the corner and missed. Ball four. Ball eight. Ball and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. How can these hitters lay off pitches that close?

[NOTE: My pitchers hate it when I use this line when they walk a hitter. Doesn't stop me, however]


Pepper Leach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batter] You want me to go get him?
Lou Brown: Nah, leave him out there. I want to see how he handles this.
Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter causing a benches clearing brawl] I think you can go get him now.


Old School. There isn't a funnier movie for the first 45 minutes.

Mitch Martin: ...all of these fucking people!
Beanie: Whoa! Whoa! Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.


Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.


The Waterboy - I'm not a huge Adam Sandler guy, but this movie makes me laugh so hard.

Bobby Boucher: "Well I like school... and I like football... and I'm gonna keep doin' 'em both because they make me feel good.
[Slams door, then comes back]
Bobby Boucher: And by the way, Mama... alligators are ornery because of their medulla oblongata.
[Slams door, then comes back]
Bobby Boucher: And I like Vicki and she likes me back. And she showed me her boobies and I like them too."


These next two are the grandaddies of all comedy movies. First Animal House:

D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.


Last but not least - Airplane:

Who doesn't love Airplane?

Young Boy with Coffee: Cream?
Little Girl: No thanks, I take it black, like my men.


Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.


Of course, this is just a sampling of my favorites. There are way too many others to list. If you'll excuse me, I have to go home and have a movie marathon.


Friday, July 22, 2005

Most Disturbing Movie Scenes

Anyone that knows me has heard me recite a movie line or two (or 100). I love movies. Furthermore, if I find a movie I like, I'll watch it every time it's on TV. 99.9% of the time when I use a line from a movie, it'll be to make a joke. Next week I'll tell you my all time favorite movie lines (although most of them will probably be from Pulp Fiction - that movie was pure effing genius).

So, counting backwards, here are my top 10 most disturbing movie scenes of all time:

10. Misery - Kathy Bates playing the psycho #1 fan taking a sledgehammer to James Caan's feet. The book description was much, much worse. In the book, she took an axe, cut his feet off and cauterized it with a blow torch. Thank God that didn't happen on screen.

9. Blair Witch Project - There's actually two scenes here that are equally disturbing - Heather Donahue's close-up, desperate, teary-eyed, videoed goodbye to her family and friends in the Maryland backwoods, and the closing scene with the chase through the abandoned house and into the cellar. I actually stopped the DVD at the very end to see what happened to them. All you see is one of the guys catatonic staring into the corner of the cellar. Creeped me out for days.

8. Full Metal Jacket - Another great movie. The bloody suicidal death of tormented, overweight misfit and psychopathic Marine Private 'Pyle' during boot camp training, by shooting himself in the mouth and blowing his head off in the bathroom just after murdering Gunnery Sargent Hartman.

7. Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory (original) - Yes, it's a kids film, but it's the first time I can ever remember feeling uneasy after watching a movie. Willy (Gene Wilder) offers a boat ride down the Chocolate River to the kids and their parents - while hallucinatory, colorful, hellish and surreal images (a kaleidoscope of insects, a beheading of a chicken, a slimy worm on a face, etc.) are back-projected behind them while Willy provides strange commentary

6. Kill Bill Vol. 2 - Scene in which Beatrix Kiddo (Uma) plucks out Elle Driver's one remaining good eye (Daryl Hannah), drops it on the carpet and squishes it between her toes. She then leaves Elle in the house to suffer, with a black mamba snake running loose. Nothing like vitriolic fluid between your tosies to make you feel like a woman.

5. Saw - What a messed up movie. But a great movie nonetheless. The final scene where Dr. Lawrence Gordon (Cary Elwes) is finally driven insane by thoughts of torture being done to his wife and little girl, cuts his own foot off with a hacksaw and hobbles out of the room after the demented killer. Movie over after that. Tremendous ending.

4. Se7en - Final scene. Doe (Kevin Spacey) has the head of Mills' (Brad Pitt) wife delivered to him in a box by a delivery driver, only seconds after telling Mills that she was pregnant when he killed her. Chilling scene.

3. Goodfellas - This whole movie disturbed me to no end. Mainly because I have ancestors that were in the mafia. The most disturbing scene to me was when Joe Pesci shoots Spider (Michael Imperioli), killing him after shooting him in the foot weeks beforehand. Pesci's character was terrifying for me to watch, as I can totally envision my great-grandfather being like that.

2. American History X - The curb scene. Norton tells the black guy to bite the curb and then kicks him in the back of the head. I can't even go on here. Too shocking for me.

1. Saving Private Ryan - The opening scene shows how horrific war is. When I saw this in the movies, I was truly unprepared for it. When the deck of the first U-boat was lowered and the first 3 rows of soldiers took it in the noodle, was bad enough. However, the most disturbing thing for me during that scene was watching the soldier that had his arm blown off searching for it. After he found it, he picked it up, looked around in amazement and limped away. Yikes.

Well, there they are - JP's Top 10 Most Disturbing Movie Scenes. Sleep well folks.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Parking Lot Woes

Ok, what is it with me and parking lots? Yesterday, I had to go visit a client in BF, Oregon. This meant that I was driving into the office afterward. Normally not a problem. I go to the client's house (which is about 40 miles South of here), meet with him, take some pictures and make my way back to the office. Working downtown means you pretty much park only one place after 10:00 a.m. - a parking garage.

Sounds simple enough, right? Well, not for me. I should say not for my Suburban. Yes, this is not the most parking garage-friendly vehicle in the universe. All of us that have been in a parking garage before know that the spots are slightly bigger than a Yugo, allowing for maximum monetary rapeage of the fellow consumer. So, I'm driving and find my spot, next to a concrete column (meaning that there will only potentially be 1 car that can cause damage to my vehicle instead of 2). So, I pull in there and call it good.

Fast-forward to 4:30. I have a softball game at 6:30, but I have to go all the way home, change, pick up the kids and high-tail it back to the field (which is only about 10 minutes away from my office - total opposite direction from my house). I walk my happy little ass to my vehicle to find that some total arsewipe has parked his Toyota Tacoma about 6" from my oversized vehicle. I also look behind me to find that there's another concrete post, along with 2 cars that won't allow me enough room to back out. Seriously, I was stuck. I tried everything short of "moving" the Tacoma out of my way. I pulled forward, backward, side-ward, nothing worked. All I managed to do was wedge myself in tighter and tighter. So, what could I do but wait for one of the 4 cars owners around me to come and pull out, allowing me enough wiggle room to get my vehicle un-wedged. So I wait….and wait….AND FUCKING WAIT!! The minutes are ticking off….10, 15, 20. When it gets to 30, I decide to head down to talk to the attendants to see if maybe someone could help direct me out of the spot.

As I get to the elevator, I notice some skinny little dude (and when I say little, I mean this guy is like 5'7" 135 lbs) making a beeline for the Tacoma. So, I hustle back to my rig, figuring I'll be out in the next 30 seconds. I go over to watch this guy get in his truck. Amazingly, he's so skinny that he can open the door and wriggle into his truck without touching the side of my Suburban. So, I go to the driver's side, get in and start it up…and then….proceed to wait some more. Dude got in his truck, rolled down his window and proceeded to make a phone call. You're fucking kidding me, right? A phone call? Ok, enough is enough. I roll down my passenger window (which means the guy is about 4 feet from me) and say to him "Excuse me. Um, excuse me, sir." Then something amazing happens…..the dude "shoos" me away with the wave of his hand. I mean dismisses me like I'm one of his loyal subjects or some shit like that.

Well, by this time I'd had about 10 times the normal amount of undue stress that I usually can handle, so I get out of my vehicle, wander to the front of it, so he can see me and I say "You didn't just SHOO me, did you? Please tell me you didn't just shoo me."

Well, skinny mini hangs up his phone, sizes me up and says, "If I did, I didn't mean to."

I said, "I've been here 30 minutes waiting for someone to come so I can get out of this spot, since you decided to park so damn close to me. You're lucky I didn't push it out of the way."

"That's what you get for driving such a big vehicle. And besides, I've only been away from my vehicle for 15 minutes."

Any other day and I yank this dolt out of his car and wax my hood with him. However, I'm in a hurry (really don't have time for a trip to the pokey, either). So, in my nicest tone, I say, "I don’t care how long you've been gone, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you move your car so I can get to where I need to be on time. If you need to make a phone call, how bout you just let me pull out and you pull into another spot. Thanks in advance." I also lay on my dazzling smile as a sort of a peace offering.

No further words are exchanged, dude backs out and leaves, allowing me to do the same. Fucking A.

I did make it to my game with 15 minutes to spare (which means I didn't really have time to warm up, but oh well), but I was frazzled beyond repair. I did, however, take out some of my frustrations on the ball. I went 3-4 with 2 HRs and a triple. The one out I made was a scorcher that caught the secondbaseman. Maybe I should stress before every game.

Is it too early for a drink?


Friday, July 15, 2005

Fun Things To Do

1. At lunch time, sit in Your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In".

5. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Dont use any punctuation

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

12. Sing along at the Opera.

13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. If you're a guy, shave your pubic hair in the shape of an "O" before you go for a physical and when you drop your drawers, ask the doctor "Does this look like a Q?" Then adjust position and say "How bout now?"


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

He'll Die A Lonely Man

Gary Sheffield. What an idiot. He embodies everything that's wrong with sports. He and Rasheed Wallace should get together to destroy what little fan base baseball and basketball have left. Mr. Sheffield, please accept this as the official voice of the "little people" who pay money to see your unappreciative ass play ball. Take a long walk off a short pier. Congrats, New York. You're about to learn why Gary's been passed around the league more than the groupies he's slept with.

Read for yourself.


Gary Sheffield wants nothing to do with the World Baseball Classic.

Several major league players spoke of the honor they would feel to represent their countries in baseball's first World Cup-style tournament when the groups for the event were unveiled Monday.

Sheffield was not among them.

The Yankees right fielder told reporters at the All-Star festivities in Detroit on Monday there was no chance he would participate in the event scheduled for March.

"My season is when I get paid," Sheffield told the New York Daily News. "I'm not doing that. ... I'm not sacrificing my body or taking a chance on an injury for something that's made up."

"A lot of guys feel that way. They won't say it like I will, though," he added.

Unlike Sheffield, Miguel Tejada (Dominican Republic) and Dontrelle Willis (United States) were among several players to come out in support of the tournament at press conferences Monday.

"I just hope I make the team," Willis said jokingly.

Tejada said fans back home would look forward to the event, which baseball hopes will be played a second time in 2009.

"They're going to be really excited to see all the players on one team," he said.

The 16-nation, 18-day event opens March 3 in Tokyo or Taiwan, where Group A will include Japan, South Korea, Taiwan and China.

The United States will be in Group B, which starts play March 8 along with the other groups and will be based in the United States.

Cuba, Puerto Rico, Panama and the Netherlands are in Group C, which will be in Latin America, and the Dominican Republic, Venezuela, Australia and Italy are in Group D, which will be based in Florida.

Major League Baseball has spent more than a decade discussing the tournament and hopes the event will gain in prestige, such as soccer's World Cup.

Sheffield didn't hold playing in the World Baseball Classic in the same high esteem as playing in the Olympics.

"This isn't the Olympics," he told the Daily News. "That's a big difference. This is something you made up."

The International Olympic Committee voted last week to kick baseball out of the Olympics following the 2008 Beijing Games.

Sheffield, who has been outspoken this season on other topics as well, including deferred money in his contract and the possibility of being traded, attributed some of his negative feelings about the Classic to the risk of being injured during the event -- which would take players away from their MLB teams during spring training.

"A lot of guys say, 'Give it a shot, give it a try,'" Sheffield told the Daily News. "But I don't think so."


I especially love this part - "This isn't the Olympics," he told the Daily News. "That's a big difference. This is something you made up." He can't be that stupid, right? Did he think the Olympics were preordained by the Gods? No, they're made up.

Stay at home, Mr. Sheffield. Nobody wants to see an overpaid, overhyped crybaby play for "free." They'd much rather watch those who respect the game and are thankful to play it.


Thursday, July 07, 2005


I had all these plans for posts when I returned from my 3-day weekend, but they've all gone up in flames. I'm going to take the rest of the week off and return Monday with a brand spankin' new post.

Try not to miss me too much. And yes, I'm talking to the 3 of you that actually read this drivel.


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