Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I'm An Idiot...
Once upon a time, yours truly had a truly benevolent notion. I would move from Kissimmee, Florida to Cheboygan, Michigan and eventually to Portland, Oregon and live out my days as a happy, healthy, studly human being. You know what they say about best laid plans, right? Well, if you don't, let me tell you, best laid plans SUCK!!!
It's been over two years since I've posted anything on this site. The stress finally got to yours truly. The well was dry. Dry as a hooker working dollar beer night down at the local tavern. Too much stress. Too many problems. Too much life happening to me all at once. There was a time when I looked up to the heavens and said out loud, "How much more do you expect me to take before I go on a four-state killing spree?" It's been a long road, with many more miles ahead of me.
Anyhow, I digress. Back to the suckiness of laying plans. When I found out "we" were pregnant with G-Doggy, all I could think of was getting the fuck out of Florida and heading West for greener pastures and a better life. After Mozilla came along, I really thought I was set in Portland for life. Then, it happened. I started thinking. Actually, I started over-thinking. I overthought EVERYTHING. I got caught up in the Nation of What If. As in:
- What if this is all there ever will be in my life?
- What if the waif (what I called the wifeola) and I were only supposed to create two children and call it quits?
- What if I wouldn't have met the waif?
- What if this is the best you can ever do money-wise and job-wise?
- What if there's a better life waiting for you somewhere?
The answers started to come in a flood:
- It's not supposed to be like this;
- Maybe you should call it quits;
- You'd probably be blissfully happy, but you wouldn't have the two human beings that you wouldn't trade for all of the world;
- It's not. You're an intelligent, high-functioning, goddamn good looking human being. Surely you can have a better career. (Ok, good looking wasn't in the answer I was looking for).
- You should go find a better life. You deserve it, you fucking stud.
Do you see where I went wrong? I wish I would have.
Yes, I pulled up stakes back in July and moved to Utah (where? - EXACTLY). I cannot say that I like it here. Actually, I dislike it a lot. It's too conservative, political and Mormon-ish for me. Now before the haters start, let me say that I don't have anything against Mormons as individuals. But when they assemble in large groups, look the fuck out. Let's just say that shit gets done. Not good shit either. We're talking about a large portion of the population deciding what is right and what is wrong for you, so you don't have to burden yourself with making a decision about anything. I love drinking the 3.2% alcohol here. Of course, now when I go back to Portland or to Vegas and am in the vicinity of a bar I become drunk beyond recognition. I love the fact that I have had 4 friends DUI'd since I moved here. In the 15 years I lived in Florida and the following 11 that I spent in Portland, I only had 2 friends that had been DUI'd...now I know 4 in a shade under 9 months?? What.The.FUCK?!? Yes, they wait outside the bars at night and watch. When someone gets in their car and drives away, they find some bullshit reason to pull them over and guess what? I know they have officially scared me straight. If I go out and the girlfriend orders an alcoholic-type beverage, I drink water. All night. I refuse to be the 5th personally known DUI.
There are some good things about this place also. I love the house I live in. Love the view out of my front window and back yard. Love that I'm 4 blocks from the trailheads so that I can take the 3 dogs hiking whenever the mood strikes (yes, it strikes a lot). My jobs (yes, I have 2, child support be damned) are better than the average bear's jobs here. You can buy a lot of house for fewer dollars than on the West Coast. The house we live in would fetch upwards of $350k in Portland. We paid just shy of $215k.
But it comes down to this - I honestly wish that I never would have moved out of Florida. I have lived all over the place, but Kissimmee, Florida is my home. I get that achy feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I think about what my life was like. Was it utopia? No. Was it perfect? Hell no. But was I one lucky bastard to have been raised in the shadows of Walt Disney World? Hell FUCK yes!! Why wouldn't I have wanted that for my kids? What was I thinking?
Ever since Nanny (my grandmother, not a 21 year-old caregiver) died, it's like I'm incapable of making a correct life decision. I think my brain is short circuited. I'm so indecisive, so unsure of myself, so fucking regretful that I can't even stand myself anymore.
It's a shame. I was in the perfect place for me. I was too stupid to realize it. Now I live in the anti-perfect place for me. And I'm FUCKING miserable.