Friday, July 29, 2005

The Shitter's Full

Ok, there's another line from one of my favorite all time movies. Anyone have an idea who said it and in what movie? No cash prizes, only brownie points awarded.

Working in a public, professional office building (sorry no photo of my building readily available), is quite different from working at my last gig (same firm as Miss Vicki) which was in a big, beautiful house. The major difference is having to share a restroom with not only your co-workers and clients but the other law firm that is on our floor and their clients.

Now, when I say there's another law firm on our floor, I use that term loosely. They're not a law firm in the traditional sense of the word. They don't have a "firm name," which leads me to believe that they're just office "mates" kind of like roommates. They lease this office space (which probably costs them upwards of $5500/month, but they split the rent). They are not affiliated with one another. Most likely, they're all solo practitioners who split everything - overhead, office staff, etc.

On the surface, that's a pretty good arrangement. Especially if you get 5 or 6 attorneys in the same space. However, looking closer at this firm makes one believe that they were all found on some weird fetish personals ad in Willamette Week or some shit like that. If that's true, I'd imagine the ad would have read something like this:

Masculine female attorney who loves to wear bowties and no underwear seeks similar freakish attorneys with in-fucking-sane bathroom habits to share life, laughter and office space.

Seriously, these people all look like they were born out of an incestuous relationship. What makes it worse is their collective bathroom demeanor. The guys in this office ALL do weird things in the bathroom.

Now, I'm pretty shy when it comes to using the work restroom. I mean, I absolutely try not to go #2 in there...if at all possible. Yes, I'm the original "Shit Break". However, these guys not only use the toilets, but announce their presence with authority.

Now the way the men's restroom is set up is there's 3 stalls right next to each other, with the last one being a handicapped stall (read bigger and cleaner). Next to the first stall is the glorious urinal. However, when someone's in the first stall and you're trying to use the urinal, your foot is literally INCHES away from the dude in the stall. That's just too freaking weird for me, so I'll wait.

Now that you get the basic layout of the joint, let me tell you about the men in that "firm" across the hall. One of them comes in brushing his teeth everyday after lunch. Now, it's bad enough that this guy has been walking down the hallway brushing his teeth, but he'll proceed into the first stall and sit down to do his business WHILE STILL BRUSHING HIS TEETH. This is why I stopped using the restroom right after lunch. I mean that's just a waste of my lunch money. Am I the only one that sees anything wrong with this? You don't brush your teeth while you're sitting on the pot. You just don't. There is no room for argument here. None whatsoever.

I venture in there to use the restroom the yesterday and another one of the guys from the other office comes in right after me, proceeds to the second stall, sits down and immediately lets out the biggest, loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. As if that wasn't enough, he then starts straining loudly. After it was apparent that this dude was actively trying to blow out an O-ring, I left. I couldn't stomach it any longer.

As I leave the restroom, I run into our receptionist and relay the story to her. She then tells me that the women from the other office are no better. Seems that one of them sings at the top of her lungs while dropping a deuce. Just yesterday I was informed that her song o' the day was "The 12 Days of Christmas." WTF? I'm chalking that one up to her celebrating Christmas in July.

Yet another one of the women from the other office will talk on her cell phone in Russian while she's bombing Australia (you know, down under) from her perch. I thought guys were the only creatures that would talk on the phone while doing that. And by "guys," I mean guys other than me. I have had conversations with my guy friends where I have heard a *whoosh* about half-way through the conversation. Mortifies me every single time. Our receptionist was joking that they either need a set of "Bathroom Etiquette" rules or bumper stickers to explain the proper way to act in a public restroom. I think one of the bumper stickers should read "While you crap, please shut your yap." But that's just me.

So, if you are an unemployed freakish-looking bathroom weirdo, please email me and I will direct you to a place that you can't help but get a job. They'll love you.

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