Thursday, December 23, 2004

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Or whatever you celebrate - Kwanzaa, Festivus or even Chaka Khan. I hope every one of you guys get what you truly want this holiday season. I'll be back next week with my 4 part "Year in Review," which I'm sure will be a huge letdown for all you guys.

Have a great holiday and see you then.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Keeping Score During Your Relationship

For years, I wanted to come up with something that guys could use to keep score during their relationship. I’ve worked on this (with a little help from different sources) and finally think it’s ready to print.

Simple Duties
. You go to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners w/wings (+5)
. But return with a Hustler and a case of beer (-5)
. Or mistakenly return with a box of Depends (-10)
. You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
. You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
. You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
. You pummel it with a Louisville Slugger (+10)
. It's her cat (-10)
. You make the bed (+1)
. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets and forget about the wet spot from last night that you made her sleep in (-15)
. You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
. You put the toilet seat down (0)
. You don’t clean the toilet seat after sprinkling on it (-10)
. You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
. When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
. When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)

Social Engagements
. You stay by her side the entire party (0)
. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
. Named Nicolette (-4)
. Nicolette is a dancer (-6)
. Who has implants (-8)
. That you’ve had sex with (-100)
. When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1.5)
. When mingling, you introduce her as "this month’s special" and pat her on the rump (-25)
. When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
. When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but I bet she's lousy in bed" (-6)
. That woman is her sister (-90)
. You have one drink, and that's it (0)
. You have more than a few and perform the tango with a Lhasa Apso (-2)
. You puke (-5)
. On her (-10)
. And try to clean it up with the pink angora sweater she asked you to hold (-100)

Saturday Afternoons
. You visit her parents (+1)
. You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
. You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
. And the television is broken (-6)
. You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
. And you didn't even go to college (-10)
. And it's not really your underwear (-15)
. You go to the mall together (+3)
. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
. In a different zip code (-30)
. You spend the day shopping for women's clothes with her (+5)
. You patiently hold her purse while you sit in the chair outside the dressing room (+10)
. You keep talking to the hot saleswoman working that area while you're waiting (-10)
. Her name is Nicolette (-100)
. You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
. You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a recliner while repeatedly asking store personnel to hand you a beer (-10)
. You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
. Most of it chips, beer and video games (-6)
. You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
. Or refinishing the floors (+16)
. Or rewiring the basement (+17)
. Or adding a second floor (+18)
. Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over your bed (-6)
. And you're tickled pink about it (-15)

Her Birthday
. You take her out to dinner (0)
. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
. Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
. And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
. It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
. You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
. You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
. If you stink (+2)
. If you're not half bad (+5)
. You get up and sing a Limp Bizkit song, and you're escorted out because you broke a chair (-20)
. You give her a gift (0)
. You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance, such as a vacuum cleaner (-10)
. You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance (+1)
. You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate (+2)
. You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for years (+30)
. You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
. With her Gold Card (-30)
. And whatever you bought is two sizes too small (-400)

. You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
. Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
. And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
. You forget her birthday or your anniversary completely (-120)
. Because you’re still hung over from the strip club outing the night before (-1000)

A Night Out with Your Friends
. Go out with a buddy (-5)
. And the buddy is happily married (-4)
. Or eternally single (-7)
. And he drives a Porsche (-10)
. With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
. You have a few beers (-9)
. For every beer after three (-2 each)
. And miss curfew by an hour (-12)
. You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call (-15)
. You get home at 3 a.m. (-20)
. You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze, perfume and cheap cigars (-300)
. And not wearing any pants (-400)
. Is that a tattoo (-2000)

Her Night Out
. You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work (+5)
. She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late (+10)
. You wait up (+15)
. She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed (+20)

A Night Out, Just The Two of You
. You go see a comic (+2)
. He's crude and sexist (-2)
. You laugh (-5)
. You laugh too much (-10)
. She's not laughing (-15)
. You laugh harder (-25)
. You take her to a movie (+2)
. You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
. You put your arm around her and hand her kleenex during the tearjerker scenes (0)
. You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
. You take her to a movie you like (-2)
. It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)
. Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
. You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

A Night At Home
. You watch TV together (0)
. You rent a movie (+2)
. You rent a movie and it's Sense and Sensibility (+3)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you stay awake throughout (+5)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep (-10)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep, drool and mention the name “Nicolette” in your sleep (-2000)

. You lose the directions on a trip (-4)
. You lose the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
. You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
. You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
. You know them (-60)
. She finds out you lied about having a black belt (-600)

. You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
. You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
. You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
. And she contracts Lyme disease (-25)

Your Physique
. You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
. You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
. You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
. Or a moo moo (-250)

. You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
. Something she can't use (-10)
. Such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
. And she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)

The Big Question
. She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. You hesitate slightly in responding (-10)
. You don't hesitate at all in responding (-10)
. You reply "Of course not" (-10)
. You reply, "Where?" or “as opposed to what?” (-350)

. When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
. When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
. You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper (+10)
. You don’t reply when she’s done out of empathy (0)
. You don’t reply when she’s done because you've fallen asleep (-10)
. You try to fix the problem (-500)


Friday, December 10, 2004

What Makes Someone Gay?

I was having a discussion with a conservative person yesterday about the art of being gay. Of course, being a conservative, he tried to espouse all of his beliefs on how being gay is wrong and anyone who is gay is definitely headed due south when they die. No question in his mind. Knowing this person drinks like a fish and likes to grope women other than his wife, I commented “Oh, so maybe you guys will be roomies down there, huh?” He begged to differ, telling me that all of his transgressions are absolved as soon as he goes to confession. Great. Not only a conservative, but a Catholic as well. You could see what I was up against.

What makes someone gay? Are people predisposed genetically? Is it a decision you make? Is it Spiderman?

This dude is convinced it’s a choice. He told me that every gay person sits down and says to themselves, “I’m going to live a gay lifestyle.” He then added, “they chose their path, let them lie in the bed they made for themselves.” I have not the words to describe what I was thinking at that time. He then made some inane comment about the Bible condemning all ‘sinners’ to Hell. Ok, so that means that we’ll all be nice and cozy downstairs when the time comes. I’ll bring the ice. I’m sure the porn and alcohol are already there in abundance. I brought up the fact the Bible also says something like, “Judge not lest ye be judged.” He had no reply for this. After I figured out that this dude was going to bask in his ignorance until the day he died, I ended the conversation by agreeing to disagree with him. Ignorance is bliss.

I guess I just have a little experience with this issue because my brother is gay. He was in a heterosexual marriage when he "came out of the closet," so to speak. He stood there, in my living room, and told me that he and his wife were having problems. The problems were caused by the fact he was gay. Yes, I suppose that being married to a female but attracted to guys (or vice versa) would fuck up a relationship beyond repair.

So, while he was telling me, he was shaking, afraid that I wouldn't let him see my boys, his nephews, anymore. My response? "Why wouldn't I? It doesn't rub off and it's not contagious, right?" We all had a laugh, but seriously, you either are gay or you're not. There is no ambiguity here. I knew he was gay when we were teenagers. Musta been the gay porn I found in his room when he was 16. Did I agree with it? Not necessarily. However the bottom line is this - life's too fucking short to get caught up trying to impose your views on other people. What's right for you isn't necessarily right for them. And that's ok. Every single person has a right to live their life and be happy. If swordfighting with another dude or bumping donuts with another chiquita makes you happy, then who the hell am I to say you can't? Live and let live, right? What happens in your bedroom doesn’t affect what happens in mine.

I’ve even heard some of the “moral majority” try to make the argument that once you allow gay marriage, then who’s to say that someone couldn’t marry their horse or their 12 year old niece? Ok, those of you that think that, please seek immediate professional help. Or at least learn to compare apples to apples. What two consenting HUMAN ADULTS choose to do with each other, provided it’s legal, shouldn’t be any of your concern.

In other words, live and let live. Clean up your own backyard before you bitch about your neighbor’s. And to the dolt I spoke with yesterday, because I know you’re reading this (yeah, right), you may want to try to figure out which part of being gay intrigues you and makes you hate yourself. Try to find out if it’s the giving head part or the getting pounded in the ass part. Also, try to figure out whether you’d be the quarterback, tight end or wide receiver. After that, everything will become more clear for you.

However, if it’s neither genetic predisposition or a choice and it IS Spiderman, I’m in trouble because I fucking love that web slinging bastard.


Friday, December 03, 2004

Kris and Anna Benson

Ok, so you’re Kris Benson, pitcher for the NY Mets. When you came out of college, you were touted as one of the premier pitching prospects in the country. You are now 30 years old and your major league record is an underwhelming 47-53. Pretty disappointing by any standards. That is until you think about it and realize that you have the coolest fucking wife in the history of wives attached to your arm, among other places.

Anna Benson is hot. Hella hot. Kris Benson is not. He deserves to be flagged by the Miller Lite refs for having a disproportionately hot wife. She is a former stripper and current “model.” On her website (, she lists her favorite movies as From Dusk Til Dawn, A Clockwork Orange and The Godfather. She loves to watch CNN and ESPN, which means that she can not only converse about current events, but sporting events as well. That’s enough to have me sportin major woodage right there. Add to that the fact that her FHM Magazine interview read more like a Penthouse Forum letter than an interview, and I am most definitely smitten. She is on record as saying that she loves sex. Her and Kris do freaky deaky things twixt the sheets, in the car, at the ballpark, in public, etc. She is also on record as saying that if Kris ever cheats on her, she’ll not only fuck every single person involved with his team, but SWALLOW them as well. The players, coaches, grounds crew, bat boys, office staff, etc. Pretty good incentive to stay faithful.

My question is this - how long will it be until Kris’ teammates take him out when they’re on the road, get him totally shitfaced, wait for him to pass out and then hire a team of hookers and/or strippers to go in his room and take compromising pictures with him? I can’t be the only one whose thought of this, can I? Honestly, how hard would it be? Kris is a partier (as is his wife). The only time he’s a self-professed “good boy” is on the days he pitches. He won’t even have sex with Anna on game day. However, on any other day, he is anything but a good boy. It would not be hard to take him out and do this to him. I’m actually thinking about getting a job in the Mets’ organization just to make this happen. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Some pictures of the lovely Mrs. Benson for your viewing pleasure.


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