Thursday, May 26, 2005

No Need For Personal Responsibility

Apparently, the United States isn't the only place that aids and abets childish stupidity. This story comes straight from The Sun, a British rag. I'm going to do a running commentary along with the story.

SISTERS Jemma, Natasha and Jade Williams proudly pose with their tots after getting pregnant aged 12, 16 and 14. The three girls and their children share a council home in Derby with their twice-divorced mum Julie, 38.

Sorry, I couldn't lift the pictures off the site. Let's just say that the girls all look very young and the mom looks 58.

None of the toddlers' dads is supporting their children so the Williams family rakes in £31,000-a-year benefits. Moaning mum Julie last night insisted their school was to blame for them getting pregnant. Grandma Julie said teachers had failed her girls by not explaining about the perils of sex early enough.

She added: People are saying I'm a bad mum for letting this happen but I blame the schools' sex education for young girls should be better. I do feel responsible, because they're my children. But I do think sex education should be started earlier.
Times have changed since I was young. Girls are becoming sexually active in their early teens. They don't realise how hard bringing up a child is.

Yeah you stupid bitch, it's the school system's fault for not teaching your girls to leave their clothes on and their legs crossed. Shit like that shouldn't be taught in the home. Hell, while you're at it, let's blame Canada too. Maybe you should have told them that it's not ok to fuck every boy they meet. However, personal responsibility is highly overrated.

Julie, who had her first child at 20, said she was stunned when she learned Jemma was expecting at 12. She added: I was so shocked. She didn't tell me for seven months because she thought I'd hit the roof. I only found out when I took her to buy a new bra and as she was being measured I saw her huge bump.

I see the powers of observation are strong in you, mum. Seven fucking months? Did you think she was just putting on weight and that her tits were getting bigger?

Just weeks later she discovered Jade, then aged 14, and 16-year-old Natasha were also expecting. Natasha had previously had two miscarriages and an abortion.

Natasha needs to be neutered if she can't keep her legs from wrapping around every man she sees. Horny much?

Julie said: It still doesn't seem possible. They are still little girls and now they have babies of their own. But I don't care what people say. I love my kids and I'm here to help them. If I could turn back the clock, I would prefer them not to have children. Their education is so important.

You mean the education system that you blame for knocking up your girls in the first place? Make up your fucking mind.

Julie also insisted the £600 a week she and the girls get in benefits is not nearly enough to care for the tots. She said: It's a real struggle to survive on what we get. The average shopping bill is about £90 a week and then there's all the extra stuff like toys, nappies and medicine.

Newsflash, dumbass - it takes MONEY to raise children. If you aren't going to make your children do something to mitigate the monthly damage, you may want to think about getting a job yourself.

Julie, who shares a three-bedroom council house in Derby with her three daughters and their children, added: This house is far too small. I have to share a bedroom with Natasha and her baby. It's very cramped. Hopefully we may be able to get a bigger house, but who knows?

Wow. Kids take up room? I had no Earthly idea. Someone hit this lady in the head with a hammer please.

Jemma, now 14, gave birth to son T-Jay in February last year. Natasha had little Amani in November and Jade gave birth to daughter Lita in December.

Ok, Lita's an ok name, but T-Jay and Amani? What were D-Money and Gucci already taken?

The sisters get nothing from the fathers of their babies - relying on a string of state handouts instead.

Where are the fathers' parents? These guys should be given a choice - either man up and take responsibility or have your nuts chopped off so you're not reproducing again. Would ANYONE be against that?

Julie gets £250 a week, made up of £57 in income support, £51 in family allowance and the rest in tax credits.

Natasha, who is now 18, gets £120 a week in family tax credits. Neither of her sisters receives anything directly.

But no one in the family pays rent or council tax and they receive free nursery care taking their total benefits to more than £31,000 a year.

Ok, I don't pretend to know how much a £ is, but if you're not paying rent and you're getting government handouts, shouldn't it be pretty easy to make ends meet? What the fuck?

Both Jemma and Jade are still at school. Jade, now 15, is about to take four GCSEs. Jemma told last night how Jade introduced her to the lad who became T-Jay's father. She said: I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant because I was too scared. I only told my boyfriend David, who was 14 at the time, but I didn't want to have an abortion. He was my first love but now I'm gutted because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me or T-Jay. He was great to start with but he's got a new girlfriend.

Let this be a lesson to all the teenage girls out there. Boys will tell you anything to get in your panties. If they really love you, they'll wait. They're they horniest creatures on Earth. They have all these hormones raging through their bodies. They will fuck anything that moves. They don't love you. Furthermore, David will never be a father. He's a sperm donor. His dick should meet the end of a blunt instrument. Heaven forbid one of my kids should knock someone up, they'll be working all the damn time to provide for it. But that's just me and my antiquated personal responsibility views talking.

Jade said she became pregnant with Lita after a one-night stand. She said: It was just one of those things really. I wasn't using contraception and I suppose I just thought it wouldn't happen to me. I didn't tell anyone for ages as I initially wanted an abortion, but I couldn't go through with it. Her dad knows about her but doesn't want to have anything to do with her and doesn't contribute anything. We've put the Child Support Agency on to him. But we don't need their dads as we give them all the love and support they need. Jade hopes to go on to sixth form and eventually to get a job involving computers.

At least someone's thinking ahead here. Also, I didn't know 14 year olds had one night stands. Where the hell were these 14 year olds when I was a 14 year old looking to screw anything that moved? The best I could do was my tube socks.

Natasha is still with Amani's dad, who she describes as a 38-year-old gambler. She added: He comes to see her from time to time. But he's Asian and still lives with his parents and they don't know about me or Amani.

HOLY SHIT!!! Natasha's 16 and is with a 38 year old Asian gambler that still lives with his parents? This just keeps getting better. I'll lay you 100-1 odds that Amani grows up to be a non-productive member of society, sponging off the system just like mommy and daddy. Add to the fact that she's 16 and a 38 year old dude is boning her...where the fuck are the police in Britain that don't carry guns? Where the fuck is her mother telling this POS pedophile to leave her little girl alone? And they say we're fucked up here in the States.

Hopefully I'm going to get a house of my own. I'm on the council waiting list.

Good for you, honey. Just keep taking handouts as long as you can. I'm sure you can manage to live off the system for another 70 years until you die. What the fuck is wrong with people nowadays?

Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Strip Club Horror Stories

Yes, I realize this post will be a little raw, but we make no apologies here at The World According to JP. Besides, it's nowhere near as graphic as Deadwood on HBO (which, if you haven't seen, stop what you're doing and go rent the first season IMMEDIATELY!!).

First. Rock Hill, SC...circa 1989...a strip club called "Emerson's." The strippers were kinda fat, loose, and sweaty. One of 'em was even pregnant and showing. (Her man had apparently neglected to blast her in the gut so she could get back to pulling down the scratch.) We were busting on preggie a little because the idea of fucking some kid's eye socket is pretty gross...still...her tits were huge. She was whoring around us for a few bills, but none of us were about to waste any on her stretched-out flab. Thus, she was getting kinda pissed at our table. Anyway, I was getting pretty drunk, but had another couple minis of Beam in my buddy's car. So I went outside to get 'em, and while rooting around on the floorboard, I found a roll of duct tape. I'm kind of a jackass, and I got a jackass idea, so I grabbed the duct tape, put it in my coat, and went back inside. The talent cycle revolves around again, and before you know it, the sow is back up on the stage jiggling around and bouncing her unborn's head on her thong. She gets a bill from some old blind fuck, then hits the floor to spread 'em for our table and beg some cash. Fucking nasty...I could tell she was having a girl. None of us budged (thankfully, no one puked). She gets up in a huff and moves to the other side of the stage. Plan in action. I ripped off a piece of duct tape, pushed a quarter on it, cupped it in my hand, and headed to the stage with one hand behind my back. She sees me, smiles, and dances over. She's getting ready to pull her thong out so I can slide what she thinks is a dollar bill in between the sweaty polyester and her hamhock. Instead, I motion for and ask her to turn around. She smiles and obliges, bending over a little and shimmying her big ol' ass in my face. I wound up like Nolan Ryan and smacked that duct taped quarter right on her fat ass cheek. She yelped, shoved me, and peeled the tape (which peeled some reddish hair) off her ass. A couple of good old boys took me outside and beat the shit out of me, but not too bad. I coulda sworn I heard Three Dog Night on the way to the parking lot. This was before Rob Zombie took over the sound system of every strip club in the country.

Second. Orlando, FL...circa 1994...a strip club called "Baby Doll's." The strippers are hot O-town hardbodies with perfectly round tits and sweet, seemingly steaming pussies like warm cornbread right from the oven. Drinks are pretty pricey, but the talent is so nice that I don't care. I've got my eye on this scorchingly hot blonde skank - the kind with a body that looks so tight and fuckable that you just ache to treat her like shit. I watch her dance, and decide that a table dance is worth it. She heads off the stage, and is followed by a fairly hot Middle Eastern-looking-chick. They start making the rounds, and I see they are heading my way, but the fucking blonde cuts left instead of right around a chair, and ends up on the other side of my table, where one of my buddies instantly gulps "yes" and forks over some cash when asked if he wants a dance. I stare over at him, my wood already subsiding, thinking I'm fucking next on that shit... Suddenly, a hand turns my chin to look up. It's the Middle-Eastern chick asking if I want a dance. Since I'm sporting a semi with a twenty in my hand, it's pretty hard to say no...besides she's got a nice body. She starts talking while waiting for the next song to start up, and she's got this annoying fucking accent. Turns out she's Iranian and from Texas. What the fuck ever...fine by me because she's kinda gropey. She's patting my thigh and brushing against my now full-on stiffie. I'm fine. Song starts...some White Zombie remix. She gets up and starts into the routine...massaging the knobs...squeezing 'em comes the top, etc. Now, we're getting to the part where she's showing off her nice ass, and putting a foot on my chair so she can angle her love hole a little closer to my face. Very cool...but wait...then I notice it...the unmistakable stench of rotting crab meat. HOLY SHIT. Where is that fucking smell coming from? Is that from...her...pussy? She dances away, and the putrid air fades a little. She turns her ass to me, and bends over to smile at me from between her ankles (a fucking stupid stripper move, by the way...). Naturally, I ignore her face and stare right at her gash, which I cannot help but notice looks like a handful of earthworms are trying to get out of her thong. FUCK. This lady's junk is nasty. She spins around and comes in for another cunt swoop...and her comes the smell. Dude. I can't take eyes are starting to water. But she keeps getting closer. Her cunt cheese is now only a few inches from my face so I start leaning backwards AWAY from it. I'm about to pass out. She leans further in and I think I see some kind of mealyworm. I lean back even further, and my chair is about to go over. She notices, stands back a foot, puts her hands on her hips, and says in a Texan drawl, "Go on honey, it won't bite you..." And like a dumbfuck, I reply,"No, but the smell is about to kill me..." She slaps my face, dumps my drink on my head, and heads straight over to the bouncers. They come get me, escort me outside, and slap me around a little, but not too bad. I took a cab to Thee Doll House and kept drinking.

I guess the morals of these stories from my point of view are as follows:
1 - Don't slap duct tape on a stripper's ass, not even a fat one.
2 - Don't tell a stripper that her pussy smells like rotten crab or looks like worms.


Friday, May 20, 2005

The Revenge Of The What?

Ok, I have to say that one thing that really, really, REALLY bugs me is when members of society obsess over something. What’s the latest obsession, you ask? It’s this

Yes, the Revenge of the Sith. It cracks me the hell up to watch news report, after news report, after fucking news report interview people that have been waiting in line for this movie since like January. Don’t these people have jobs? Honestly. How does one make a decision to give up a month or two of their lives to wait in a fucking movie line. Did someone not give these people all the information that they needed to make an informed decision? Like the fact that this movie is coming out FOREVER. No, it’s not a limited engagement. They’re not going to put a moratorium on it after the first week. It will be out from now until you die. After it gets done playing in the movie theaters, it’ll come out on DVD and you can watch it again and again.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Star Wars. I’m more partial to the three episodes I saw as a kid, but it’s one of the last of a dying breed – the epic saga. Think about it, what epic sagas are left? There’s basically Harry Potter (which I don’t know if you’d consider epic), The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars. I’ve never seen LOTR, but I’ve heard enough good things about it to have a vague interest. It’s just who has three fucking hours to sit down and watch a movie (I mean besides the crazies that spend months in line to see a movie that they’d be able to see anytime from now until the end of time)? Of the three left, Star Wars has to be the biggest, wouldn’t you say? It’s made billions upon billions of dollars, not only in movie sales, but in merchandising as well. It’s a huge brand name. I know that anything that has the Star Wars logo, picture or characters on it is automatically wanted by my kids. Actually, they bug the shit out of me over this, which is fine. They bug the shit out of me over a lot of stuff they see on TV.

The upshot is this, if you’re able to take a couple months of your life and stand in line waiting for a movie (most of the time in full Darth Maul garb), you should re-evaluate your life choices. Rest assured that when you are interviewed on TV looking like a Stormtrooper in a hockey mask, I am sitting at home pointing at the television and laughing my ass off at you.


Thursday, May 19, 2005

It's A Sad Bat-Day

'The Riddler' Frank Gorshin Dies at 72

BURBANK, Calif. - Frank Gorshin, the impressionist with 100 faces best known for his Emmy-nominated role as the Riddler on the "Batman" TV series, has died. He was 72.

Gorshin's wife of 48 years, Christina, was at his side when he died Tuesday at Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center, his agent and longtime friend, Fred Wostbrock, said Wednesday.

"He put up a valiant fight with lung cancer, emphysema and pneumonia," Mrs. Gorshin said in a statement.

Despite dozens of TV and movie credits, Gorshin will be forever remembered for his role as the Riddler, Adam West's villainous foil in the question mark-pocked green suit and bowler hat on "Batman" from 1966 to '69.

"It really was a catalyst for me," Gorshin recalled in a 2002 Associated Press interview. "I was nobody. I had done some guest shots here and there. But after I did that, I became a headliner in Vegas, so I can't put it down."

West said the death of his longtime friend was a big loss.

"Frank will be missed," West said in a statement. "He was a friend and fascinating character."

Gorshin earned another Emmy nomination for one for a guest shot on "Star Trek," a 1969 episode called "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield."

In 2002, Gorshin portrayed George Burns on Broadway in the one-man show "Say Goodnight Gracie." He used only a little makeup and no prosthetics.

"I don't know how to explain it. It just comes," he said. "I wish I could say, `This is step A, B and C.' But I can't do that. I do it, you know. The ironic thing is I've done impressions all my life — I never did George Burns."

Gorshin's final performance will be broadcast on Thursday's CBS series "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation."

Born in Pittsburgh, Gorshin broke into show business in New York. He did more than 40 impressions, including Al Jolson, Kirk Douglas, Bobby Darin, Dean Martin and James Cagney.

Later, he took his impressions to "The Ed Sullivan Show" on a memorable evening — the same night the Beatles were featured. He did impressions in Las Vegas showrooms, opening for Darin and paving the way for other impressionists like Rich Little.

Sammy Davis Jr. said it was Gorshin who taught him to do impressions, Wostbrock said.

"He said you had to look like them and walk like them. Once you get that down, the voice comes easy," he said.

Gorshin's movie roles included "Bells are Ringing" (1960) with his idol Dean Martin and a batch of fun B-movies such as "Hot Rod Girl" (1956), "Dragstrip Girl" (1957) and "Invasion of the Saucer Men" (1957).

"He was fun, fascinating, wild and always a class act," Wostbrock said. "Here's a guy who always wore great clothes, stood up when a woman walked into the room — he was a gentleman. We did all our deals with a handshake. There was never a signed contract."

His other TV credits included roles on "General Hospital, "The Edge of Night" and "The Munsters" as well as guest appearances on "Donny & Marie," "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson," "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," "Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman," "Murder, She Wrote," "The Fall Guy," "Buck Rogers in the 25th Century," "Wonder Woman," "Charlie's Angels" and "Police Woman."

Besides his wife, Gorshin leaves his son Mitchell Gorshin of Orlando, Fla., and sister Dottie Roland of Pittsburgh.

Wostbrock said the funeral would be private and Gorshin would be buried in the family plot in Pittsburgh.


I don't know how many of you used to watch the old, campy Batman show on TV, but I was a certified Batman freak when I was a young boy (and I refuse to discuss the time when, as a teenager, I was watching a soft core porn flick and saw Adam West (the ORIGINAL Batman) screwing some ugly chick. I refuse to discuss it because it didn't happen dammit). Now that I'm in my mid-30's, it seems that all the villains are dying off, proof positive that, as Batman always said, crime doesn't pay. Here's a list of all of the villains throughout the years and whether they're alive or dead. There's only a few left. RIP Riddler.

The Archer - Art Carney (dead)
The Black Widow - Tallulah Bankhead (dead)
The Bookworm - Roddy McDowall (dead)
If you were either Catwoman, it looks like you picked a great role.
Catwoman I - Julie Newmar (alive)
Catwoman II - Eartha Kitt (alive)
Chandell - Liberace (dead)
The Clock King - Walter Slezak (dead)
Colonel Gumm - Roger Carmel (dead)
Dr. Cassandra - Ida Lupino (dead)
Egghead - Vincent Price (dead)
False Face - Malachi Throne (alive)
The Joker - Caesar Romero (dead)
King Tut - Victor Buono (dead)
Louie the Lilac - Milton Berle (dead)
Lord Fogg - Rudy Vallee (dead)
Ma Parker - Shelly Winters (alive)
Marsha Queen of Diamonds - Carolyn Jones (dead)
Mad Hatter - David Wayne (dead)
The Minstrel - Van Johnson (dead)
Minerva - Zsa Zsa Gabor (alive)
Mr. Freeze I - George Sanders (dead)
Mr. Freeze II - Otto Preminger (dead)
Mr. Freeze III - Eli Wallach (alive)
Nora Clavicle - Barbara Rush (alive)
Olga Queen of the Cossacks - Anne Baxter (dead)
The Penguin - Burgess Meredith (dead)
The Puzzler - Maurice Evans (dead)
The Riddler I - Frank Gorshin (dead)
The Riddler II - John Astin (alive)
The Sandman - Michael Rennie (dead)
Shame - Cliff Robertson (alive)
The Siren - Joan Collins (alive)
Zelda the Great - Anne Baxter (dead)
The Webmaster - David Sutton (dead)

There you have it, 34 villains with 24 of them gone to the Bat Cave in the sky. That's a 71% mortality rate, if you were a villain. It sucks to get old, but I've come to realize it's better than the alternative.

Sorry for the gargantuan post, but I thought The Riddler deserved it.


Monday, May 16, 2005

Monday Morning Quickie

Hopefully, this will be as good for you as it is for me. And if not, I don't care. I got mine. Get yours.

I totally wouldn't be surprised if sometime in the near future we all found out that Starbucks laces their drinks with crack. Actually, it would explain a lot; like my 3:00 everyday habit and the urge I have to whore myself out in order to afford it.

You know you need to get laid when you walk by the Victoria's Secret store and say out loud to nobody in particular, "Wow, those manniquins are HOT!" It's amazing how quickly people around you disburse.

You know you're getting old when you're walking around the mall and see a mother-daughter tandem shopping and think to yourself, "Oooh, mommy's sexy as hell...and she puts out!" and never give the daughter a second glance.

I've been studying people for almost 15 years now, just observing them, and I've come to the conclusion that there is no way to look cool when you're smoking a cigarette. None at all.

I hope you all had a great weekend and have a great week as well.


Thursday, May 12, 2005

1 Year Ago Today

Yes, it's been a year already. A wild, crazy year to say the least. Happy anniversary to The World According to JP.


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Why I Worry As A Parent

I've been told so many times that my little Reesey Monster is exactly like I was as a kid. Let's hope that he doesn't do the dumb shit I did when I was growing up. I mean, look at this stupid shit...

I tossed what I thought was an empty propane cylinder into a camp fire. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! + shrapnel. Luckily, only some tents were damaged.

A buddy and I started throwing darts at each other. I threw one at his head, he ducked, but the dart struck the bottom of a can of red spray paint, causing it to explode, this time sending shrapnel into his scalp.

I climbed a tree to try to lower a hornets nest down to a friend, who was waiting below with a Rubbermaid trash can and lid. I slipped, shook the fuck out of the hornets nest, causing them to attack him and me. I fell out of the tree while getting stung, repeatedly.

A few friends and I built a cool pill-box type underground fort at a construction site using some old scraps of wood and realty signs as roof planks. It caved in on us, nearly killing us. Thank god a beer truck driver saw it happen and came over and dug us out.

The year I lived on Cape Cod, my friends and I used to hide in the bushes during the winter and chuck snowballs at passing cars. It was all fun and games until I threw one in the darkness and nailed a State Trooper in the side of the head. Seems he rolled his window down to spit out of it. Dude chased us for a good mile. I managed to run eye-first into a tree branch, scratching the shit out of my cornea. It was much fun to be called "one eye" and "patch" for the next month by the kids at my school.

I jumped off the peak of my grandparent's two story home holding a golf umbrella, which promptly turned inside out. Causing me to fall, hard, into some shrubs. Fuck Mary Poppins.

I once tried to "surf" on a moving VW Beetle. Fell off and rolled into a ditch.

On a drunken dare, I did a backflip off the side of a speed boat that was doing about 45-50 mph. I thought I broke my fucking neck at the moment of impact, but it only turned out to be a very bad case of whiplash.

I climbed on top of some giant ass boulders the State had just dumped off a cliff to for the purpose of shoring up a river bank. I planned to fish off one, when the entire goddamned bank came loose, boulders and all, dumping me and all my shit into the water. Luckily I didn't get pinned or anything.

No, this isn't the complete list, but it is a collection of the dumbest things I've done. Let's hope that both my boys got their sense from someone else. It's also the reason why I plan to keep these guys busy all the time. Idle hands are truly the Devil's workshop.


Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Jenn, You Suck!!!

Dammit, what the hell? Tag me? Fuck.

The object of this exercise is simple. Pick five from the list and complete the phrase. Feel free to add additional occupations after you've done yours. Pass it on to others.

The List

If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-rider(by Ogre)
If I could be a bonnie pirate(By Teach)
If I could be a servicemember(By Jeremy)
If I could be a business owner(By Blue 944)
If I could be an actor(By Blue 944)
If I could be an agent(By KelBel)
If I could be video game designer(By KelBel)
If I could be a comic book artist(By Stoli)
If I could be a hooker(By Pollo Loco)
If I could be a crack addict(by Elizabeth)
If I could be a porn star(by Elizabeth)
If I could be a mime(by Garrison)
If I could be a domestic engineer(by Rick)
If I could be a chimney sweep(by laine)
If I could be a masseuse(by laine)
If I could be a taxi driver(by Brian)
If I could be a priest(by Brian)
If I could be the Sherrif Of Nottingham(Karen)
If I could be a dancer(Karen)
If I could be Santa Claus(Karen)
If I could be on a reality TV show(Dawn)
If I could be a magician(Dawn)

1. If I could be a missionary, I'd give whole new meaning to the term "missionary position."

2. If I could be a masseuse, all my female clients would get a happy ending at no extra charge.

3. If I could be an architect, I'd change my name to Art Vandelay. The name of my company would be Vandelay Industries.

4. If I could be a porn star, unlike Jenn, I would need an implant.

5. If I could be a lawyer, I'd sue Jenn for tagging me. Assault with a deadly weapon should stick.

I'm going to tag Vicki. That's all.


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?