Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Office Speak That Needs To Go

Ok, I’ve worked in enough different offices to where I am qualified to talk about this. In a regular office environment you hear the same stupid-ass phrases over and over again and it just makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs and kill that person.

Here’s JP’s list of Office Phrases That Need To Go:

1)“Clusterfuck” - Why is everything that has the slightest error or problem referred to as a clusterfuck? Can someone tell me? Every time someone fucks up you will hear “oh shit man, Penny got wasted at the client meeting and began calling the CEOs assholes and then took a shit on the conference room table, it was a real clusterfuck.” Yes, Penny is now fired, but I wouldn’t call that a clusterfuck. I’d call that natural selection.

2)“Thrown under the bus” – Apparently, when you get fucked over by your co-workers you get “thrown under the bus,” like the people who got hit by busses are real glad they are associated with these office shitheads. “You hear about John? He fucked his secretary on the break room floor, then she told his wife who quickly took half his shit and left him for dead. She really threw him under the bus!” (Both the secretary and wife could be the ones who threw him under the bus in this example).

3)“Touch base”- This is not baseball, people. There is no need to refer to baseball in the office. “I’ll call you back and we’ll touch bases next week.” Oh yeah? How about I grab a bat, smack you in the solar plexis with it and then we’ll talk?

4)“Shoot me an email”- How about I just shoot you in the face instead?

5)“I’ll see what I can do on my end” – No you won’t. You will wait till that fucker calls you back and bends to your will. You might make a concession or two, but you really want the other asshole to get off his ass and do what he needs to do in order to make your job easier. We don’t need this bullshit phrase to act like we are really doing anything extra after we hang up the phone, because in reality we’re not.

6)“Seeing a lot of potential” – This might just be me, but I hear this phrase all the fucking time. We see a lot of potential for growth, we see a lot of potential for revenue, we see a lot of potential to settle this case,” etc. We see a lot of potential for me to crush your larynx. This is the shit you say to your sister about her retarded kid who finger-paints well, “I see a lot of potential in Billy. If it weren’t for that lazy eye and dent in his forehead, he would be a great artist.”

7)“Come in to work on time.” – Who the fuck are you, my mother? I’ll come into work when I damn well please, bitch. So what if I’m 47 minutes late? At least I came in. I’m hungover as hell and I am not going to do shit but surf the internet and stare at my office wall, but at least I made it in. Shit, I get no appreciation these days.

8)“Stop fucking my wife sir” – Ok, I admit I haven’t heard this but I would give my third testicle to. It would make a great office party story.

9)“With this economy we really have to decrease our profit margins and…..” – Just kill that motherfucker before he finishes. He is bullshitting you to no end. Kill him and take a dump on his chest. He deserves no mercy.

10) “Screw the Pooch” – Bestiality, people, it’s illegal (in most states, anyhow). It is no more appropriate to say “Boy that Dan sure screwed the underage children when he forgot he forgot his brief for the meeting.” We should lock people who use that phrase this like the sick bastards they are (Uncle Eddie, I forgive you) with the real child molesters – that’ll teach ‘em a thing or two.

11)”Brown-noser/Suck-up” – I know some of you will be pissed at me for adding this, but it has to go. This is getting old and we must find something else. Because everyone that gets a raise, does more work, has the slightest authority over you, or just has a hotter wife, is a brown-noser or suck-up. We can do better. How about “Fucktard,” “Shit-Eater,” or “Management-Whorebag?”

12)”The phone is ringing off the hook” – Impossible. Even if you have multiple lines and the phone is “ringing off the hook,” here’s a suggestion: don’t pick it up. Unless you are curing cancer (which many business people like to think they are doing) you do not have to answer the god damn phone every time it rings. If it is an important call, they will leave a message and you can call them back, after you take a shit, nap and have a cup of coffee, of course. So, turn off your ringer and stop using this phrase and telling me “how busy and important you are” or I will rip that phone out of your hand and smash your nuts with it.

13)”Remove from list” – This is more of an email thing, but equally annoying and infuriating. This is especially common occurrence with the office fuckwads who are emailing each other back and forth using the “send to all employees” list and you are forced to read these moronic comebacks and pathetic attempts to be funny to escape there pathetic and shit-filled jobs (unless you’re me because my responses are witty and funny). But even more frustrating is someone, most of the time a manager, will send a simple “remove from list” to be funny and quaint, in a passive-aggressive shit-eating grin way. You know what I like to do after that? I sign them up for every Viagra, Teen/Amateur Sex, Penis enlargement, Tit-enhancement, High-school diploma, Free Sample, G.E.D., Bestiality, and gay spam that I can possibly find (most are already in my mailbox). So for the next few months they are forced to write “Remove from list” over and over again till their fingers bleed.

14) “You’re getting a raise!” – Sorry, never heard it.

15)”Someone has the cases of the Moondays” – Don’t get me wrong, I love Office Space. It is one of the funniest movies ever. But I never heard this phrase until I heard it from that movie, and now every Monday rolls around you can’t walk ten feet with out some assclown saying it. You know what? Every day is the same to me, I’m always hungover and tired in the morning. I do not work at the fireworks, naked women and beer factory so I do not have a “super” time at work everyday. Next time I’ll tell them, “you know what? I’m taking next Monday off so I can go fuck your sister.” I guarantee that will be the last time you hear shit from that person.

16) “These receipts don’t match your expense report” – ‘You know why? Because I was off getting shitfaced at a strip club and buying hookers on the company’s dime.’ Damn I would love to say that to the penny-pinching cunt who works payroll. Does every bitch in the world have to work at this position in every company in the world? I mean seriously, is it a prerequisite? Do you have to be the spawn of everything that is unholy to work in accounting? They all think they are the god of gods too. Next time that power-hungry bitch says this to me, I am going to buy a case of douche rags and put them on her desk anonymously. Then when the month rolls around I will put them on my expense report labeled “Office Supplies” and turn it in to her.

17) “On the fence” – Another phrase common in the business world. “Karl doesn’t know which temp to fuck. He could fuck Jessie, because she has a nice ass, or he could fuck Erica with the huge tits. He is really on the fence with this decision.” It is called hesitation people, people do it when they are thinking or stalling (most of the time stalling). I think you need to “push them over the fence”. “Frank, you need to push these clients over the fence and convince them that our anal lube is the best. The best god dammit!” I would like to push you over the fence sir, and I hope on the other side of that fence is a large, steep and rocky cliff.

18)”Can you get me a cup of coffee?” – Fuck you! Get your own coffee prick! Does it say “office bitch” on my shirt? Oh right it does, sorry sir, I will get your coffee right away…(unzipping fly).

19) “Ramp up”- ‘Ok Jim, we have a lot of child porn to push this quarter, so we have to ramp up at our street flyers for this week.’ Ramp up this, ramp up that, are more fake words for managers to try to sound like they are getting us to do more work. You know what? That isn’t going to happen, I have the same routine everyday no matter what time of the year it is, and 37% effort is as high as I go. When I get told to ramp up for the New Year, I call in sick the next day just to piss the ass monkey off. How about I break your legs and your ugly wife can push your gimp ass up and down the handicap ramps for awhile? Will that, for the love of god, make you not use this phrase again?

20) “Action items” – For people who use this word, everything is a fucking action item to them. What the fuck constitutes an action item? The way this fudge-packer talks at work, my left nut is an action item. The next time this queef tells me to check my action items and have them handled, I’m going to whip out my dick and slap it on his desk and say “I got a new action item for you to handle.” These people should be tied to the back of a bus and dragged for several miles.

21) This is not really a phrase more of a thing you have to do all fucking day long – “Hey/How you doing? /What’s up” or any other form of “hi.” Why must I spend all day saying hello to people I see everyday? “Hey JP, what’s up?”, “Well Jeb, I am actually still drunk from last night and I have no concept of right and wrong anymore. I think I’m going kill a goat then have sex with it. You?” It’s just annoying people. I might be ok with the head nod, but I feel like a goddamn bobble-head doll in work everyday. I saw you in the morning; I do not need to say “hey” at 8:45, 1:17, and 2:55. Does it really do anything? Do people go back to their desk and wonder, “That bitch Janice, didn’t ask me ‘what’s up’ after I got back from lunch. I think the next time I see her I’m going to cut her fingers off.” Let’s just have one “Hi” on Monday and just end it. The only exception is all the hot girls from the office, keeping doing what you’re doing. You know who you are. It’s the only thing I look forward to in the morning. You know it and I know it.

22) “I have a lot on my plate right now”- Bullshit. This is for people who want to sound like they are important and busy and do not have time to do anything else. I will tell you right now, I do not. This is a good phrase to throw to attorneys when they try to give you extra assignments or projects. “Frankly, I have a lot on my plate as it. I can’t handle anything, until I fully clear my plate, run the dishwasher, take a shit, and then take a nap. I’m sorry, your dry cleaning will just have to wait, boss.” I’ll stop using it if you guys stop using it. We can do this together people.

23) “Think outside the box” – This is what insane people do. Don’t you want normal, god-fearing citizens to work for you and not a bunch of crazies? “You know Jim forgot his lunch today, but he ate his own fecal matter to save time and money. I like how he thinks outside the box.” This is just maddening to hear from people who should be thrown in to large cardboard boxes and beaten with golf clubs and thrown into a contaminated river.

24) “Pipeline” – This is often used to give you busy work. “We need to fill the pipeline” or “we have a lot of data in the pipeline” are both common phrases that make you want to beat yourself senseless with a lead pipe in order to escape this office lingo. If it is at all possible I would suggest taking a dump in the person’s desk drawer to silence them.

25) “PO and Invoice”- Why don’t we just use the simple actual words these things refer to? One is a ‘bill’ and the other is a ‘receipt’. There is no reason to make paying a bill anymore complicated than it already is. This is really simple and even Leonard, the slow-witted guy from accounting, with the breath that smells like he ate a shit, garlic and onion sandwich for breakfast, can understand with minimal assistance.

That’s all for now. Feel free to add any you think warrants mentioning as well. I will now go hit myself in the head with a tack hammer.

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