Thursday, December 08, 2005

Men's Room Etiquette - For The Last Time

Yes, I know my problems with public restrooms have been well-documented on this site, but after having no choice but to use the toilet here at work this morning along with the idiotic fucktards that occupy this floor, I just can't stand it any more. I promise, this will be my last rant on this subject. Well, until something else happens.

I’m a reasonable guy. However, I am repeatedly exposed to some pretty unreasonable things. It’s hard enough to wake up each morning and drag my ass to work, the last thing I need is to deal with a bunch of fucking weirdos that don’t know how to co-exist in a communal restroom.

If I had it my way, there would be a series of private, single-occupancy restrooms instead of the shit corral we are forced to deal with, but that point is moot. I understand the concept of efficiency in a building designed to house many people and that having a shared bathroom is a necessity. Personally, if I wanted to use a trough, I’d be a pig. But hey, we all have our crosses to bear.

So in the meantime, let me help a few of you disgusting guys out with a few rules that you should follow.

#1. Maximize distance - If you are the only one at a line of urinals or stalls, select one at either end, NOT the fucking middle. Choosing the middle forces other men to stand as near to you as possible and pull their dicks out and pee. For Christ’s sake they are peeing right next to you, PEEING!

Even more importantly is the stall selection. Always chose a stall that is as far from another occupied stall as possible. If I’m taking a shit, do NOT come into the stall next to me. Thanks so much you fucking fecalpheliac, now there is half a foot separating me from another man who is taking a shit, one inch of which is some metal. I don’t want to hear you and I don’t want to smell you. I just want to finish up and get back to my job and continue to pretend I don’t hate the lady in the office next to mine.

In addition, please use the sink farthest from the urinals as well to wash your hands. In fact, do me the favor of slightly turning your back to me while I piss.

#2. Get in, Get out - Don’t dawdle in the men’s room. Get in there, do your thing, WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS and go. Who the hell are these guys that seem to be meandering around the restroom. Don’t talk to me, don’t talk to other people, get off your cell phone, don’t have a meeting in there. In fact, don’t have a little chat right outside the restroom door. Not only will you have to hear men inside evacuating their bowels, but the person you stopped to talk to in order bring up that one thing from that meeting yesterday that you just wanted to clarify a few things about, has probably got to piss pretty bad and you are such a self-centered piece of shit that you don’t even realize that the guy in front of you crossing his legs, grabbing his crotch and sweating isn’t even listening to you anymore because his bladder is about to rupture into his body cavity.

Oh hey, Mr. Oral Hygiene. It’s great that you take good care of your teeth, but perhaps after lunchtime, when the men’s room is at maximum occupancy, brushing and flossing for 15 minutes isn’t the best thing. Doesn’t it bother you that people are shitting a few feet from you as you slide your waxed cinnamon floss over your pearly whites? No, I forgot, one of you actually sits on the shitter while brushing. Fucking sick, man. Just gross.

#3 Privacy - While this isn’t the easiest thing to maintain in a room full of people crapping and pissing, there are a few things you can do to at least make the pretense that you are minding your own business.

Close the god damned door! Sometimes I use the stall to pee. It’s more private and I’m good enough to put the seat up, and so should you. However, am I the only guy in the world considerate enough to close the door behind me? I think I’ve crippled a few guys because I walk into the stall with the open door and smash the door into the spine of some moron who decided for some unknown reason that they didn’t need to close the door behind them. Way to go there guy, I hope that leaves a permanent scar to remind you to not do that again.

Eyes forward you fucking pervert. Don’t look over at me. Am I looking at you? No I’m not. I’m minding my own business. I don’t care how big your dick is and you shouldn’t care about mine. Don’t fucking talk to me while I’m peeing. What the fuck? Who would ever even think this is an ok thing to do? It’s one thing if I’m out drinking with my friends and I run into a pal in the john and we comment on how the waitress with the huge tits needs to get the taste fucked out of her mouth, but we aren’t doing that are we? No, we are at work. I don’t even want to talk to you in the lunchroom; the bathroom is out of the question. Go away, drop dead, stop talking to me or I’m going to go Columbine on this whole place I swear.

Look, I’m a nice guy. I just want a quiet, private place to do my business and go. That’s not so much to ask is it?

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