Thursday, December 15, 2005

Six Easy Steps For An Enjoyable Holiday Office Party

Yes, the season is upon us, folks. Time for offices everywhere to come together and unite for one single cause - getting absolutely snockered on the company's dime. Yes, some of these parties can be pretentious and boring (like mine promises to be, later today actually). However, if you apply these six things to your party, it will liven things up considerably.

1. Dive right in: Rather than having a glass of wine or a beer, jump riiiight in to the heavy stuff. You should even do it before all the guests get there to ensure that you get maximum exposure to clients and bosses at your absolute drunkest. I choose top-shelf vodka. Bonus: You tell the bartender "not to be shy" as she's pouring it because, after all, this is an open bar.

2. Talk openly about office politics: Tact is cool in the office, but it has no place at the cocktail party. You might want to tell your boss exactly why it is that "everyone hates" her. Bonus: You tell your clients that you're actually writing a book about your company, and that it's going to be the next "The Devil Wears Prada."

3. Talk about sports: For example, when the Vice President of the company that just acquired your office says "I love Steve McNair, he's my favorite QB," You should stand up and say "McNair's a pussy." Don't leave it alone, either, point to people in the bar who you think could kick Steve McNair's ass and mouth the words "pussy" to her for the rest of the evening. Bonus: You form a triangle with your hands and move it towards your crotch as you say "pussy."

4. Be cool: Sure, they hired you to do a job, but goshdarnit you're cool and you should let your coworkers know it. The best thing to do is tell ridiculous stories from your past. Also, you should not censor yourself in any way. If you're telling the story about how you clogged the toilet at a french bistro in Oakland, go ahead and leave no detail unmentioned. By saying things like "my shit was so big, I had to stand up to finish" or "I knew it was going to be a clogger when it broke the water line" you're letting them know that you're cool AND creative. Bonus: as you're making the 'plunging' hand-gestures you knock a glass of wine out of someone's hand.

5. Hit on cocktail waitresses: This is actually a rarely used move, but if you see an attractive waitress HIT ON HER! It's not every day that some guy as charming and hammered as you makes nice with a suggestively dressed waitress, so go ahead and give her your business card! Write something quirky and original on the back, like "Nice skirt, wanna fuck?" before you slip it to her, also. Everyone you work with will be impressed with how suave you are. Bonus: You never bother to get her name, but instead refer to her by the appetizer on her tray. "Hey tuna-tartar my name's JP," or "Chickenballs, you're really cute."

6. Stay late and then call people who have left: Just because the party's over, it doesn't mean it's time to go to bed! Go drink some more and call your colleagues to remind them how funny you are! "Remember when I told everyone that my favorite movie was Humplestiltskin?" And if they've turned off their phones (f'n ass monkeys) don't be afraid to leave mean messages letting them know "how weak it was that you bailed so early" and so forth. Bonus: when the open bar turns to a cash bar you loudly yell "BOOOO!" and ask your boss to "spot you a $20."

Following these six easy tips will ensure a pleasant post-party day at the office.

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