Monday, January 31, 2005
Downsize Me
Friday, January 28, 2005 - 4:45 p.m.
As I was walking by my boss’ office, on my way to the copy room, I heard my boss say, “JP, can you come in here for a minute? And close the door, would you?”
That’s not unusual. Usually late on a Friday, I’m asked to make a beer run or go get some wine from the cellar or some such shit.
“JP, I have some good news and some bad news.”
~Actually thinking that he’s going to tell me there’s no room in the budget for a raise this year, it’s that time. I’m prepared for this.~ “Ok.”
Hesitating - “The good news is that what I am about to tell you has NOTHING to do with your performance here with our firm. You are a great worker. You have done a marvelous job. You are a loyal worker with great people skills and our clients all love you.”
~Thinking to myself - greeeeaatttt, it’s definitely not a raise, since that has nothing to do with his motive for calling me in here in the first place.~
“JP, the problem is that our accountant has told us (meaning him and his partner) that we need to cut overhead. We simply don’t have the cases coming in and/or settling to keep spending the money that we do every month.”
“Ok.”
“We have done everything we know how to do. We’ve sold things. We’ve gotten rid of paid cell service for the attorneys here. We’ve cut as much as we can cut.”
“Ok.”
“The bottom line is this - we have cut everything we know how to cut here. However, you are a luxury. A wonderful luxury, but a luxury nonetheless. We are not going to leave you out in the cold, but what we would like you to do is take the next one to two months to look for a new job. You, of course, would have the freedom to interview at will, whenever you want to, just keep me in the loop. If it drags on past two months, we will continue to keep you here as long as we can afford it. I will give you the best recommendation possible and will do everything I can to assist you in securing a new job. I’m very, very sorry. I wish there was a way to keep you here, but there’s really not.”
“Ok. Uhhhhh, well, uhhhhh, ok. Um, I guess you have to do what you have to do.”
“Yes, it really is a numbers game and, unfortunately, we just can’t afford you any more.”
“Ok then, I’ll do my best to find a new job within a month or two.”
“Thanks, JP. I am really sorry that it’s come to this.”
~I’m dying on the inside, but put on my best smile.~ “Hey, what can you do? I know you well enough to know that if there was a way, you’d keep me on here. I thank you for employing me. It’s been a wonderful experience.”
I left the room. Shock and awe doesn’t sufficiently cover the emotions I’ve been feeling since then. My life has been turned upside down by this news. I knew that the firm was in trouble financially, but I didn’t think it would come to this.
I have told many of you here that I have the best job in Portland. I do. This firm is a great place to work. It’s almost like we’re a family here. I look forward to getting out of bed every single day and leaving my kids to come here and help others with their problems. It’s the perfect mix of casual, professional, personal and family here. We normally have a dog or two running around the office. If I have a doctor’s appointment or one of my kids has a school function that I need to be at, I just go. I don’t check in with anyone. I don’t jump through 90 hoops to walk out the front door, I just go. I can start a half hour early every day so I can take an hour and a half lunch to go work out. It’s just a rare perfect fit. Combine that with my salary, perks and bonuses and I’m going to be hard-pressed to find a job to replace this one. They don’t grow on trees. I truly cannot afford to take a pay cut, but I may just have to because I’m probably in the top 5% salary-wise of all paralegals here in Portland.
The thing that upsets me the most is that I left a stable firm to come over here to this one. I could have spent my whole career at my last firm and retired, had I chosen to do so. I didn’t make nearly as much, but it was also a nice fit for me. I was assured by my boss that this firm was stable and I’d be here a long, long time as long as I performed. The other upsetting thing is that as soon as they can afford a paralegal here, they’ll give MY JOB to someone else. I was the first paralegal here and I had planned to be the only one here for a while.
As far as “cutting overhead,” I think the problem here is that both partners came from successful defense firms where the money was steady and free-flowing. Being plaintiffs’ attorneys is vastly different in that if you don’t win the case, you don’t get paid. However, they seem to spend money like water here. I mean, we probably have $25,000 worth of Persian rugs here, $50,000 worth of art work hanging on the walls and wine in the cellar. They just hired another attorney which, in my opinion, we didn’t need. Also, my boss has a Porsche Cayenne Turbo sitting in the driveway that cost him $87,000. That’s to say nothing of the Porsche Carrera S that sits in his garage at home. He rarely drives it. Plus, he just remodeled his house to the tune of $250,000. There’s plenty of money, they just spend it too rapidly.
I’m mad. I know it’s not personal, but fuck (or should that be butt fuck?), it feels personal. This is my job dammit. I made this little ‘team’ what it is. I was the glue that held this team together when my boss fired his secretary because she was more worthless than tits on a bull, as well as the fact that he wanted to hire Vicki away from his old firm. I did both my job and his secretary’s job for three months while Vicki prepared to leave her old firm. I was told afterwards that I was going to be given a bonus to cover my extra work. I was given a bonus ($1,200), which I used to go see my grandmother before she died. I was grateful. However, when Christmas rolled around that year, I was shorted on my year-end bonus and told that “I had already received part of my Christmas bonus in February.” I never said a word. I was happy to get my year-end bonus AND to have been able to go see Nanny before she passed.
Likewise, I have let some job opportunities slip through my grasp in the past six months. I’ve been offered interviews and opportunities to send my resume into other firms. I’ve turned them all down because you can’t put a price on loving your place of employment. I truly thought I’d grow old here, if I chose to. Blind sided doesn’t begin to describe my feeling. Actually, I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a brick.
I truly don’t know what to do. I mean, I know what to do - look for another job, I have no choice. But I mean where? Do I go to a bigger firm where I have more security and less individuality and more office politics? Do I go to another small firm where I can shine, but won’t be paid as well and may just price myself out of their market? Do I stay in Portland where it rains seven months out of the year, summers are short and I feel a little out of place? Do I move back to Florida where the sun shines and my boys will have an edge when it comes to playing high school sports? After two months, do I file for unemployment and spend a couple of months just selling stuff on e-bay to supplement my income until my lease on my townhouse is up? I’m truly at a loss.
I was hopeful when 2005 started. However, the downward spiral continues.
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As I was walking by my boss’ office, on my way to the copy room, I heard my boss say, “JP, can you come in here for a minute? And close the door, would you?”
That’s not unusual. Usually late on a Friday, I’m asked to make a beer run or go get some wine from the cellar or some such shit.
“JP, I have some good news and some bad news.”
~Actually thinking that he’s going to tell me there’s no room in the budget for a raise this year, it’s that time. I’m prepared for this.~ “Ok.”
Hesitating - “The good news is that what I am about to tell you has NOTHING to do with your performance here with our firm. You are a great worker. You have done a marvelous job. You are a loyal worker with great people skills and our clients all love you.”
~Thinking to myself - greeeeaatttt, it’s definitely not a raise, since that has nothing to do with his motive for calling me in here in the first place.~
“JP, the problem is that our accountant has told us (meaning him and his partner) that we need to cut overhead. We simply don’t have the cases coming in and/or settling to keep spending the money that we do every month.”
“Ok.”
“We have done everything we know how to do. We’ve sold things. We’ve gotten rid of paid cell service for the attorneys here. We’ve cut as much as we can cut.”
“Ok.”
“The bottom line is this - we have cut everything we know how to cut here. However, you are a luxury. A wonderful luxury, but a luxury nonetheless. We are not going to leave you out in the cold, but what we would like you to do is take the next one to two months to look for a new job. You, of course, would have the freedom to interview at will, whenever you want to, just keep me in the loop. If it drags on past two months, we will continue to keep you here as long as we can afford it. I will give you the best recommendation possible and will do everything I can to assist you in securing a new job. I’m very, very sorry. I wish there was a way to keep you here, but there’s really not.”
“Ok. Uhhhhh, well, uhhhhh, ok. Um, I guess you have to do what you have to do.”
“Yes, it really is a numbers game and, unfortunately, we just can’t afford you any more.”
“Ok then, I’ll do my best to find a new job within a month or two.”
“Thanks, JP. I am really sorry that it’s come to this.”
~I’m dying on the inside, but put on my best smile.~ “Hey, what can you do? I know you well enough to know that if there was a way, you’d keep me on here. I thank you for employing me. It’s been a wonderful experience.”
I left the room. Shock and awe doesn’t sufficiently cover the emotions I’ve been feeling since then. My life has been turned upside down by this news. I knew that the firm was in trouble financially, but I didn’t think it would come to this.
I have told many of you here that I have the best job in Portland. I do. This firm is a great place to work. It’s almost like we’re a family here. I look forward to getting out of bed every single day and leaving my kids to come here and help others with their problems. It’s the perfect mix of casual, professional, personal and family here. We normally have a dog or two running around the office. If I have a doctor’s appointment or one of my kids has a school function that I need to be at, I just go. I don’t check in with anyone. I don’t jump through 90 hoops to walk out the front door, I just go. I can start a half hour early every day so I can take an hour and a half lunch to go work out. It’s just a rare perfect fit. Combine that with my salary, perks and bonuses and I’m going to be hard-pressed to find a job to replace this one. They don’t grow on trees. I truly cannot afford to take a pay cut, but I may just have to because I’m probably in the top 5% salary-wise of all paralegals here in Portland.
The thing that upsets me the most is that I left a stable firm to come over here to this one. I could have spent my whole career at my last firm and retired, had I chosen to do so. I didn’t make nearly as much, but it was also a nice fit for me. I was assured by my boss that this firm was stable and I’d be here a long, long time as long as I performed. The other upsetting thing is that as soon as they can afford a paralegal here, they’ll give MY JOB to someone else. I was the first paralegal here and I had planned to be the only one here for a while.
As far as “cutting overhead,” I think the problem here is that both partners came from successful defense firms where the money was steady and free-flowing. Being plaintiffs’ attorneys is vastly different in that if you don’t win the case, you don’t get paid. However, they seem to spend money like water here. I mean, we probably have $25,000 worth of Persian rugs here, $50,000 worth of art work hanging on the walls and wine in the cellar. They just hired another attorney which, in my opinion, we didn’t need. Also, my boss has a Porsche Cayenne Turbo sitting in the driveway that cost him $87,000. That’s to say nothing of the Porsche Carrera S that sits in his garage at home. He rarely drives it. Plus, he just remodeled his house to the tune of $250,000. There’s plenty of money, they just spend it too rapidly.
I’m mad. I know it’s not personal, but fuck (or should that be butt fuck?), it feels personal. This is my job dammit. I made this little ‘team’ what it is. I was the glue that held this team together when my boss fired his secretary because she was more worthless than tits on a bull, as well as the fact that he wanted to hire Vicki away from his old firm. I did both my job and his secretary’s job for three months while Vicki prepared to leave her old firm. I was told afterwards that I was going to be given a bonus to cover my extra work. I was given a bonus ($1,200), which I used to go see my grandmother before she died. I was grateful. However, when Christmas rolled around that year, I was shorted on my year-end bonus and told that “I had already received part of my Christmas bonus in February.” I never said a word. I was happy to get my year-end bonus AND to have been able to go see Nanny before she passed.
Likewise, I have let some job opportunities slip through my grasp in the past six months. I’ve been offered interviews and opportunities to send my resume into other firms. I’ve turned them all down because you can’t put a price on loving your place of employment. I truly thought I’d grow old here, if I chose to. Blind sided doesn’t begin to describe my feeling. Actually, I feel like I’ve been hit in the head with a brick.
I truly don’t know what to do. I mean, I know what to do - look for another job, I have no choice. But I mean where? Do I go to a bigger firm where I have more security and less individuality and more office politics? Do I go to another small firm where I can shine, but won’t be paid as well and may just price myself out of their market? Do I stay in Portland where it rains seven months out of the year, summers are short and I feel a little out of place? Do I move back to Florida where the sun shines and my boys will have an edge when it comes to playing high school sports? After two months, do I file for unemployment and spend a couple of months just selling stuff on e-bay to supplement my income until my lease on my townhouse is up? I’m truly at a loss.
I was hopeful when 2005 started. However, the downward spiral continues.
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Thursday, January 27, 2005
Cell Phone Rage
Ok, so Victoria had to drop her car off at the service shop this morning. We get to the dealership and drop it off. They run a shuttle service to get you to work. Instead of taking the Max line (guaranteed hour and a half commute from Max stop to our office), we opt to take their shuttle service. After all, how bad could it be? Only problem is that another lady, who also dropped her car off, is taking the shuttle service as well. Ok, no problem. ~cue the Twilight Zone music~
As soon as she sits her fat arse in the back seat of the shuttle (I'm seriously amazed it fit), she yanks out her cell phone and starts yipping into it. First of all, it's 7:15 in the a.m. I'm not awake yet. I haven't even started sipping my coffee yet. So, here we are, captive in this shuttle with no sound other than the hum of the engine and the incessant whine of this lady's voice into her cell phone. She's talking about dog breeding (judging from her looks, I'd say it runs in her family). How she can't find a stud for this bitch and how she can't find a bitch for that stud, etc. Then, in the middle of her conversation, she pulls the phone away from her ear and apologizes for "swearing" so much. After she does that, she gets back on her phone and apologizes to whomever was on the other end saying, "people don't understand doggie talk here." WTF? By this point, I was ready to rip her phone from her meaty hand and stomp it into bits with my Nike hiking boots. THEN something must have struck her as funny because she starts laughing unremittingly into the phone. She sounded like a leaky tire running over a duck (I couldn't tell on a few occasions if she was laughing or choking to death - thank God I didn't have to make the decision on whether to perform the Heimlich or not because she wouldn't have made it). Ok, I'm officially in hell. As we near her destination, she starts telling the shuttle driver how to get to her office, but she still doesn't hang up the phone. So she's now trying to hold up two conversations at once. She confused the crap out of the driver, who is shaking his head so hard I thought he would get a head rush. Mercifully, she finally tells the person she was yapping with that she'll call him when she gets into her office. She hangs up the phone, all exasperated-like (hey it's hard work talking and snorting that much - who needs a gym?), and tells the driver tersely how to get to her office.
Amazingly, she managed to escape the shuttle with her cellphone in one piece. I am proud of myself for exercising such restraint. However, I feel that using your cell phone when you have a captive audience to listen to your side of the conversation is extremely rude. Next time this happens, I have a feeling I'll owe someone a new cell phone.
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As soon as she sits her fat arse in the back seat of the shuttle (I'm seriously amazed it fit), she yanks out her cell phone and starts yipping into it. First of all, it's 7:15 in the a.m. I'm not awake yet. I haven't even started sipping my coffee yet. So, here we are, captive in this shuttle with no sound other than the hum of the engine and the incessant whine of this lady's voice into her cell phone. She's talking about dog breeding (judging from her looks, I'd say it runs in her family). How she can't find a stud for this bitch and how she can't find a bitch for that stud, etc. Then, in the middle of her conversation, she pulls the phone away from her ear and apologizes for "swearing" so much. After she does that, she gets back on her phone and apologizes to whomever was on the other end saying, "people don't understand doggie talk here." WTF? By this point, I was ready to rip her phone from her meaty hand and stomp it into bits with my Nike hiking boots. THEN something must have struck her as funny because she starts laughing unremittingly into the phone. She sounded like a leaky tire running over a duck (I couldn't tell on a few occasions if she was laughing or choking to death - thank God I didn't have to make the decision on whether to perform the Heimlich or not because she wouldn't have made it). Ok, I'm officially in hell. As we near her destination, she starts telling the shuttle driver how to get to her office, but she still doesn't hang up the phone. So she's now trying to hold up two conversations at once. She confused the crap out of the driver, who is shaking his head so hard I thought he would get a head rush. Mercifully, she finally tells the person she was yapping with that she'll call him when she gets into her office. She hangs up the phone, all exasperated-like (hey it's hard work talking and snorting that much - who needs a gym?), and tells the driver tersely how to get to her office.
Amazingly, she managed to escape the shuttle with her cellphone in one piece. I am proud of myself for exercising such restraint. However, I feel that using your cell phone when you have a captive audience to listen to your side of the conversation is extremely rude. Next time this happens, I have a feeling I'll owe someone a new cell phone.
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Pink Eye
Holy christ! What am I, in kindergarten? Yes, for the first time ever, I have pink eye. This sucks major ass. My eye is sensitive to light AND I can't take my contact out because I can't see without it.
Sooooooo, until this is gone, I will not be blogging. Be back soon, hopefully.
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Sooooooo, until this is gone, I will not be blogging. Be back soon, hopefully.
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Friday, January 14, 2005
How To Make A JP
I can't believe how accurate this was. Thanks, Jamie.
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| How to make a jp |
| Ingredients:
5 parts anger 3 parts silliness 3 parts beauty |
| Method:
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness |
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Thursday, January 13, 2005
How My Mind Works Sometimes
Ok, I was taking a shower this morning and this whole freaking song popped into my head all at once. Not piece by piece, all at once. I guess it's my mind's impersonation of a guy that's spent a little too much time with the wrong kind of girl. Please sing this in the method of Tim McGraw's "I Like It, I Love It"
Spent 48 hours last week in the county jail.
That dumb SOB shouldn’t have bought her that Full Sail
She’s got me saying motherfucker, suck my dick and you’re queer
I used to say shucks, golly gee and oh dear.
I just got fired cause I called my boss a creep.
When we were at the urinals that cupcake took a peek
But fuck you, I love it. In fact, you can shove it.
When my dick is hard, I can’t rise above it.
It always seems to happen when she’s on her knees suckin.
So Fuck you, I love it. In fact you can shove it.
My mamma and daddy always taught me courtesy.
Now that’s out the window since that girl got a hold of me.
Now I rock out with my cock out and talk to whores.
I screw em in the back of my ‘68 Ford.
When we’re done boning, I pay em in cash.
Prayin that I don’t get a huge fucking rash.
But fuck you, I love it. In fact, you can shove it.
When my dick is hard, I can’t rise above it.
It always seems to happen when she’s on her knees suckin.
So Fuck you, I love it. In fact you can shove it.
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Yes, I am totally aware that I should seek professional help immediately. Thanks. Jerk.
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Spent 48 hours last week in the county jail.
That dumb SOB shouldn’t have bought her that Full Sail
She’s got me saying motherfucker, suck my dick and you’re queer
I used to say shucks, golly gee and oh dear.
I just got fired cause I called my boss a creep.
When we were at the urinals that cupcake took a peek
But fuck you, I love it. In fact, you can shove it.
When my dick is hard, I can’t rise above it.
It always seems to happen when she’s on her knees suckin.
So Fuck you, I love it. In fact you can shove it.
My mamma and daddy always taught me courtesy.
Now that’s out the window since that girl got a hold of me.
Now I rock out with my cock out and talk to whores.
I screw em in the back of my ‘68 Ford.
When we’re done boning, I pay em in cash.
Prayin that I don’t get a huge fucking rash.
But fuck you, I love it. In fact, you can shove it.
When my dick is hard, I can’t rise above it.
It always seems to happen when she’s on her knees suckin.
So Fuck you, I love it. In fact you can shove it.
-----------------------
Yes, I am totally aware that I should seek professional help immediately. Thanks. Jerk.
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005
Randy Moss, Strange Love, The Surreal Life and Caesar’s 24/7
I haven’t been in a ranty mood lately and for that, I apologize. I’ve been sick AGAIN!! I haven’t been sick three times in the past ten years but I’ve now been sick three times in the past three months. Grrrrrrrrrr. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Really, I am. I could seriously hurt someone over this. Anyway, there’s some stuff that’s been on my mind this week, but I haven’t really had a chance to straighten it all out in my head until today.
Randy Fucking Moss. I hate this guy. Hate him like he punched my grandmother. He is another supreme example of what is wrong with modern athletes. When the Vikings drafted him, there were questions about his character. As all of us who follow sports have learned since, there was a reason he went so low in the first round. The man is an insipid douchebag. He has said stuff in the past like, “I play when I want to play. If you don’t like it, I don’t care.” Nice way to give back to the team that has made damn sure that you are living in a mansion and aren’t flipping burgers in West Virginia (where he’s from) for the rest of your life. His display in Green Bay over the weekend was shameful. The “fake mooning” he gave the crowd was just the icing on the cake. Back to that in a minute. First of all, I knew something was different with him when he came out with his “Sideshow Bob” hairdo instead of his usual cornrows. Told me he was in a weird mood. Then, after the Vikings took the lead, you see him on the sidelines saying stuff to the crowd like, “I don’t give a shit. Look at the fucking scoreboard. Ya’ll are losin.” Dick. The first TD pass he caught should have been called back for offensive pass interference. He totally pushed Al Harris down in order to catch the ball. Nice skills there Randy. Then when he did the “simulation mooning” to the crowd and appeared to wipe his ass on the goalpost, I was disgusted even further. He is a classless, tasteless individual. Why you would, as a business person, give this man $84 million is beyond me. You do not make a man of his character and personality comfortable, if you want results from him at all times. Anyhow, Randy Moss, you are an asshole and if I ever meet you, I will fight you. For now, though, I am rooting for Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown of the Eagles to aim directly for your ACL when they tackle you. After all, your $84 million contract isn’t guaranteed money.
Strange Love. Ok, I have to admit that I have been looking forward to seeing this show on VH1 ever since I saw that Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen were involved. First of all, could you come up with two people that look worse together than these two? For those who don’t know, Flava Flav is a rapper from Public Enemy. I fucking love Public Enemy. They put out three of the most influential rap albums of the 80's and early 90's. Yo Bum Rush The Show, It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet were by far the best rap albums ever to come out, with the exception of The Black Album by Jay-Z. I guess Flava and Brigitte met on the Surreal Life and hit it off. The opening episode is Flava flying to Italy to be with Brigitte. Only problem is that Brigitte is engaged to some guy that looks like a soccer reject. Flava talks Brigitte into ditching the fiancee and taking her to some Italian villa to be alone. The rest of the show was spent listening to Flava call Brigitte “Geet-A” and Brigitte call Flava Flav “Foofy Foofy.” High comedy right there. Let me say that I cannot believe that this woman was once married to Sly Stallone. She has not aged well at all. She’s all wrinkly and stuff. She was a semi-hottie back in the 80's, but damn, she’s hideous now. She was always a bit mannish, but now she’s freakishly mannish. Well if you don’t take into account the fact that she has HUGE hooters. The show was strange, to say the least and from the looks of it, it will only get stranger as the season wears on. I will be watching.
The Surreal Life. True story - I used to think that Queen’s lyrics said “Is this surreal life, is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. So escape from reality.” See, the reality part justified the surreal life part in my mind. Yes, I know I’m an idiot. Asshole. Anyway, another VH1 reality train wreck. But the weird part of it is that it’s a beautiful train wreck. It works splendidly. You put some washed up faux-celebs with personality disorders in a house together all at once and the jokes write themselves. In The Surreal Life 4 (there were 3 before this? I must rent them on Netflix) houses Chyna (of WWE fame - and she’s a MAN baby!!), Christopher Knight (Peter Brady), Da Brat (who?), Adrianne Curry (America’s Next Top Model winner, and she’s smokin’ hot, if not extremely stupid - my favorite combination), Markus Schenkenberg (male model and definite mimbo), Jane Weidlin (she of the Go Go’s fame from the 80's - and quite possibly possessing the most annoying speaking voice in the history of television), and Verne Troyer (Mini Me). What could possibly go wrong? This show really deserves its own entry because it’s so great. In the first episode, Chyna arrives at the house first and chooses a room. There are two rooms that sleep three and one room that is solo. As you can guess, she chooses the solo room. Only problem is that it’s meant for Mini Me. Everything is freakin tiny. Closet, mini bar, bed, everything. You can imagine what happens when Mini Me finds this out later. Da Brat comes in and sees that she’s in a house full of hasbeens and calls her manager telling her that she’s leaving. Adrianne and Markus walk around like they’re in a daze. It must be hard carrying all that beauty around all the time. The funniest part of the show (and maybe in the history of reality television) was Mini Me getting fucked up. Totally trashed. He is in bed sleeping it off when the Adrianne and Jane decide to go skinny dipping. Well, Peter Brady goes and wakes him up. Mini Me comes out and makes a pass at Peter Brady, then passes out on him. They get him to back to bed and he starts making these orgasmic moaning sounds. Totally satisfying himself with people IN the room. Everyone is laughing their asses off. Then, not five minutes later, Mini Me (who gets around on a scooter type apparatus) is on his scooter, driving down the hallway bare-assed naked. He stops at the end of the hallway and pisses on the wall. Oh.My.GOD!! I have never laughed so hard in all my life. You can’t script shit like that. Definitely another show that I’ll watch religiously. I really need a TiVo.
Caesar’s 24/7. I fucking love reality TV. Love it. I also love Vegas and would move there in a heartbeat if I could. This is an interesting show that focuses on all aspects of running a huge gaming casino. Another inaugural episode. This one featured a retired 31 year old millionaire woman losing $60,000 at the roulette wheel. The bizarre thing was that she was there for 12 hours. She was down $60,000 after 2 hours and battled back to even after 11 hours and then lost it all in the next two. The house always wins. Walk the fuck away already. They focused on a man with terminal cancer. He comes to Vegas every so often and plays the slots. This time he decided to play the $500 slot machine and in his fourth pull ($2,000 into it), he hits a jackpot of $1,000,000. I would have fallen over in a dead fucking faint. The floor manager congratulates him and puts him and his wife up in the nicest suite in the hotel, a 9,500 square foot mansion of a place with plasma tvs in every room (including the bathrooms) and their own private swimming pool. Later in the show this guy hits a poker machine for another $75,000 and wins another $125,000 playing cards. Not a bad day, all in all. Good for him. There was a blackjack dealer they featured talking about how, if she gets a guy at the table that wins a bunch of money, she’ll take home $1,000 in tips per night. She averages $750. That’s insane. And it makes me want to deal cards 12 hours a day. Dammit, I’m hooked. There goes one New Year’s Resolution. Oh well, such is life...or reality.
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Randy Fucking Moss. I hate this guy. Hate him like he punched my grandmother. He is another supreme example of what is wrong with modern athletes. When the Vikings drafted him, there were questions about his character. As all of us who follow sports have learned since, there was a reason he went so low in the first round. The man is an insipid douchebag. He has said stuff in the past like, “I play when I want to play. If you don’t like it, I don’t care.” Nice way to give back to the team that has made damn sure that you are living in a mansion and aren’t flipping burgers in West Virginia (where he’s from) for the rest of your life. His display in Green Bay over the weekend was shameful. The “fake mooning” he gave the crowd was just the icing on the cake. Back to that in a minute. First of all, I knew something was different with him when he came out with his “Sideshow Bob” hairdo instead of his usual cornrows. Told me he was in a weird mood. Then, after the Vikings took the lead, you see him on the sidelines saying stuff to the crowd like, “I don’t give a shit. Look at the fucking scoreboard. Ya’ll are losin.” Dick. The first TD pass he caught should have been called back for offensive pass interference. He totally pushed Al Harris down in order to catch the ball. Nice skills there Randy. Then when he did the “simulation mooning” to the crowd and appeared to wipe his ass on the goalpost, I was disgusted even further. He is a classless, tasteless individual. Why you would, as a business person, give this man $84 million is beyond me. You do not make a man of his character and personality comfortable, if you want results from him at all times. Anyhow, Randy Moss, you are an asshole and if I ever meet you, I will fight you. For now, though, I am rooting for Lito Sheppard and Sheldon Brown of the Eagles to aim directly for your ACL when they tackle you. After all, your $84 million contract isn’t guaranteed money.
Strange Love. Ok, I have to admit that I have been looking forward to seeing this show on VH1 ever since I saw that Flava Flav and Brigitte Nielsen were involved. First of all, could you come up with two people that look worse together than these two? For those who don’t know, Flava Flav is a rapper from Public Enemy. I fucking love Public Enemy. They put out three of the most influential rap albums of the 80's and early 90's. Yo Bum Rush The Show, It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back and Fear Of A Black Planet were by far the best rap albums ever to come out, with the exception of The Black Album by Jay-Z. I guess Flava and Brigitte met on the Surreal Life and hit it off. The opening episode is Flava flying to Italy to be with Brigitte. Only problem is that Brigitte is engaged to some guy that looks like a soccer reject. Flava talks Brigitte into ditching the fiancee and taking her to some Italian villa to be alone. The rest of the show was spent listening to Flava call Brigitte “Geet-A” and Brigitte call Flava Flav “Foofy Foofy.” High comedy right there. Let me say that I cannot believe that this woman was once married to Sly Stallone. She has not aged well at all. She’s all wrinkly and stuff. She was a semi-hottie back in the 80's, but damn, she’s hideous now. She was always a bit mannish, but now she’s freakishly mannish. Well if you don’t take into account the fact that she has HUGE hooters. The show was strange, to say the least and from the looks of it, it will only get stranger as the season wears on. I will be watching.
The Surreal Life. True story - I used to think that Queen’s lyrics said “Is this surreal life, is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide. So escape from reality.” See, the reality part justified the surreal life part in my mind. Yes, I know I’m an idiot. Asshole. Anyway, another VH1 reality train wreck. But the weird part of it is that it’s a beautiful train wreck. It works splendidly. You put some washed up faux-celebs with personality disorders in a house together all at once and the jokes write themselves. In The Surreal Life 4 (there were 3 before this? I must rent them on Netflix) houses Chyna (of WWE fame - and she’s a MAN baby!!), Christopher Knight (Peter Brady), Da Brat (who?), Adrianne Curry (America’s Next Top Model winner, and she’s smokin’ hot, if not extremely stupid - my favorite combination), Markus Schenkenberg (male model and definite mimbo), Jane Weidlin (she of the Go Go’s fame from the 80's - and quite possibly possessing the most annoying speaking voice in the history of television), and Verne Troyer (Mini Me). What could possibly go wrong? This show really deserves its own entry because it’s so great. In the first episode, Chyna arrives at the house first and chooses a room. There are two rooms that sleep three and one room that is solo. As you can guess, she chooses the solo room. Only problem is that it’s meant for Mini Me. Everything is freakin tiny. Closet, mini bar, bed, everything. You can imagine what happens when Mini Me finds this out later. Da Brat comes in and sees that she’s in a house full of hasbeens and calls her manager telling her that she’s leaving. Adrianne and Markus walk around like they’re in a daze. It must be hard carrying all that beauty around all the time. The funniest part of the show (and maybe in the history of reality television) was Mini Me getting fucked up. Totally trashed. He is in bed sleeping it off when the Adrianne and Jane decide to go skinny dipping. Well, Peter Brady goes and wakes him up. Mini Me comes out and makes a pass at Peter Brady, then passes out on him. They get him to back to bed and he starts making these orgasmic moaning sounds. Totally satisfying himself with people IN the room. Everyone is laughing their asses off. Then, not five minutes later, Mini Me (who gets around on a scooter type apparatus) is on his scooter, driving down the hallway bare-assed naked. He stops at the end of the hallway and pisses on the wall. Oh.My.GOD!! I have never laughed so hard in all my life. You can’t script shit like that. Definitely another show that I’ll watch religiously. I really need a TiVo.
Caesar’s 24/7. I fucking love reality TV. Love it. I also love Vegas and would move there in a heartbeat if I could. This is an interesting show that focuses on all aspects of running a huge gaming casino. Another inaugural episode. This one featured a retired 31 year old millionaire woman losing $60,000 at the roulette wheel. The bizarre thing was that she was there for 12 hours. She was down $60,000 after 2 hours and battled back to even after 11 hours and then lost it all in the next two. The house always wins. Walk the fuck away already. They focused on a man with terminal cancer. He comes to Vegas every so often and plays the slots. This time he decided to play the $500 slot machine and in his fourth pull ($2,000 into it), he hits a jackpot of $1,000,000. I would have fallen over in a dead fucking faint. The floor manager congratulates him and puts him and his wife up in the nicest suite in the hotel, a 9,500 square foot mansion of a place with plasma tvs in every room (including the bathrooms) and their own private swimming pool. Later in the show this guy hits a poker machine for another $75,000 and wins another $125,000 playing cards. Not a bad day, all in all. Good for him. There was a blackjack dealer they featured talking about how, if she gets a guy at the table that wins a bunch of money, she’ll take home $1,000 in tips per night. She averages $750. That’s insane. And it makes me want to deal cards 12 hours a day. Dammit, I’m hooked. There goes one New Year’s Resolution. Oh well, such is life...or reality.
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Because Vicki Told Me To
Vicki told me I had to do this or I don't get to see her boobs. Not that I get to see them now, but I'm always hopeful. So, here goes it.
3 names you go by:
JP
Daddy
Silver Fox (softball teammates)
3 screen names you have:
JP In P-Town
Wilbert Montgomery
Itsanalias
3 things you like about yourself:
I’m a good dad.
I live every day to the best of my ability.
I don’t do anything half-assed.
3 things you hate/dislike about yourself:
I'm too trusting.
I'm pretty bad at budgeting my money.
I’m too accommodating. I do for others before I do for myself.
3 parts of your heritage:
I’m 3/4ths Italian.
1/8 English
1/8 Irish
3 things that scare you:
Not being able to protect my boys.
Dying with regrets.
Carnies. Circus folk. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
3 of your everyday essentials:
Backpack full of everything I may need at one point or another during the day.
A good book. Need something to occupy my mind at all times.
A good night’s sleep. I’m worthless without it.
3 things you're wearing right now:
A very comfy pair of Doc Martens.
Nice, warm flannel boxers.
A huge smile on my face. I’m a happy person.
3 of your favorite bands/artists:
Motley Crue
Creed
George Strait
3 of your favorite songs at present:
Stacey’s Mom Has Got It Goin On - Fountains of Wayne
Dirt Off Ya Shoulder - Jay Z (the ringtone on my phone)
This Is The New Shit - Marilyn Manson
3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Learn to play an instrument.
Get another tattoo.
Coach my boys’ baseball team.
3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Passion
Respect
Honesty
2 truths and a lie:(no particular order to keep ya guessing):
I’ve won a national championship playing fastpitch softball.
I love watching cooking shows.
If I had a choice between sleeping with Jennifer Garner and spending a night with my kids, I’d choose my kids every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:
Legs
Ass
Personality/Compatibility
3 things you just can't do:
Function when I’m sick.
Stay focused for more than a week at a time.
Speak my mind to my significant other (that's that whole "too accommodating" thing).
3 of your favorite hobbies:
Watching movies
Playing Softball
Playing X-Box with my kids.
3 things you want to do really badly right now:
Take some Nyquil and go to sleep.
Go someplace WARM.
Veg out in front of a TV and drift off to sleep.
3 careers you're considering:
Staying a paralegal.
Personal Trainer
Physical Therapist/Masseuse
3 places you want to go on vacation:
Hawaii
Tuscany
Disney World
3 kids names (either boy or girl):
Chloe Mya
Micah Tanner
Jonah Thomas
3 things you want to do before you die:
Spend a month in Tuscany.
Win another national championship.
Raise my kids to be respectful, useful members of society with no regrets.
3 people who have to take this quiz now:
Jenn
KtP
Zelda
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3 names you go by:
JP
Daddy
Silver Fox (softball teammates)
3 screen names you have:
JP In P-Town
Wilbert Montgomery
Itsanalias
3 things you like about yourself:
I’m a good dad.
I live every day to the best of my ability.
I don’t do anything half-assed.
3 things you hate/dislike about yourself:
I'm too trusting.
I'm pretty bad at budgeting my money.
I’m too accommodating. I do for others before I do for myself.
3 parts of your heritage:
I’m 3/4ths Italian.
1/8 English
1/8 Irish
3 things that scare you:
Not being able to protect my boys.
Dying with regrets.
Carnies. Circus folk. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
3 of your everyday essentials:
Backpack full of everything I may need at one point or another during the day.
A good book. Need something to occupy my mind at all times.
A good night’s sleep. I’m worthless without it.
3 things you're wearing right now:
A very comfy pair of Doc Martens.
Nice, warm flannel boxers.
A huge smile on my face. I’m a happy person.
3 of your favorite bands/artists:
Motley Crue
Creed
George Strait
3 of your favorite songs at present:
Stacey’s Mom Has Got It Goin On - Fountains of Wayne
Dirt Off Ya Shoulder - Jay Z (the ringtone on my phone)
This Is The New Shit - Marilyn Manson
3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
Learn to play an instrument.
Get another tattoo.
Coach my boys’ baseball team.
3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given):
Passion
Respect
Honesty
2 truths and a lie:(no particular order to keep ya guessing):
I’ve won a national championship playing fastpitch softball.
I love watching cooking shows.
If I had a choice between sleeping with Jennifer Garner and spending a night with my kids, I’d choose my kids every day of the week and twice on Sunday.
3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:
Legs
Ass
Personality/Compatibility
3 things you just can't do:
Function when I’m sick.
Stay focused for more than a week at a time.
Speak my mind to my significant other (that's that whole "too accommodating" thing).
3 of your favorite hobbies:
Watching movies
Playing Softball
Playing X-Box with my kids.
3 things you want to do really badly right now:
Take some Nyquil and go to sleep.
Go someplace WARM.
Veg out in front of a TV and drift off to sleep.
3 careers you're considering:
Staying a paralegal.
Personal Trainer
Physical Therapist/Masseuse
3 places you want to go on vacation:
Hawaii
Tuscany
Disney World
3 kids names (either boy or girl):
Chloe Mya
Micah Tanner
Jonah Thomas
3 things you want to do before you die:
Spend a month in Tuscany.
Win another national championship.
Raise my kids to be respectful, useful members of society with no regrets.
3 people who have to take this quiz now:
Jenn
KtP
Zelda
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Monday, January 10, 2005
Page From Miss Vicki
I too took the Myers-Brigg Online Personality Test . Here's what I got. It's fairly accurate. However, if any one of you makes fun of my being "prone to crying," I'm so kicking your ass.
ESFP
outgoing, social, group oriented, dislikes science fiction, does not like to be alone, good at getting people to have fun, values relationships and family over intellectual pursuits, open, likes to dance, spontaneous, underachieving, unprepared, emotional, values organized religion, easy to persuade, easy to impress, not analytical, disorganized, prone to crying, likes to be center of attention, happy, trusts others, influenced more by others than self
favored careers:
public relations manager, school teacher, radio dj, customer service, emt, hair stylist, event coordinator, pediatric nurse, child care worker, makeup artist, personal trainer, public relations, human resources, travel agent, massage therapist, physical therapist, interior decorator
disfavored careers:
bookstore owner, author, researcher, painter, artist, scientist, philosophy professor, art director, computer programmer, freelance writer, history professor, web developer, paleontologist, book editor, cia agent, aerospace engineer, archeologist, webmaster
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ESFP
outgoing, social, group oriented, dislikes science fiction, does not like to be alone, good at getting people to have fun, values relationships and family over intellectual pursuits, open, likes to dance, spontaneous, underachieving, unprepared, emotional, values organized religion, easy to persuade, easy to impress, not analytical, disorganized, prone to crying, likes to be center of attention, happy, trusts others, influenced more by others than self
favored careers:
public relations manager, school teacher, radio dj, customer service, emt, hair stylist, event coordinator, pediatric nurse, child care worker, makeup artist, personal trainer, public relations, human resources, travel agent, massage therapist, physical therapist, interior decorator
disfavored careers:
bookstore owner, author, researcher, painter, artist, scientist, philosophy professor, art director, computer programmer, freelance writer, history professor, web developer, paleontologist, book editor, cia agent, aerospace engineer, archeologist, webmaster
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Thursday, January 06, 2005
Another Year, Another Resolution...Or 10
Ahhhhh, 2005. How refreshing. After feeling like I took a year-long acid bath, I fucking love having the slate wiped clean. Yes, I know that I still have the same problems today that I did on December 31st, but dammit I am less stressed than I was for some reason. Every year, I make resolutions just like 99% of you. Some I stick with, some I don’t. Here’s the 2005 list.
1. Go back to the gym. Every November, my life becomes hectic beyond belief. It becomes increasingly hard to go to the gym. I go religiously from January through June. Then softball kicks into full swing, so I cut back my gym time. Softball tapers off at the end of September through October, but basketball starts. November rolls around and there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do anything. This year, however, I think I figured out a way to stay consistent with the gym - I’m going on my lunch break (well, actually I adjusted my hours so I could take an hour and a half for lunch). That should help me go most every day. I’m not looking to get buff this year. Just looking to tone up, create some core strength and become more flexible. Pulling a groin muscle last year really taught me a valuable lesson about being flexible.
2. Take better care of my face. I’m talking about using aftershave balm and special men’s face wash twice a day. Yes, I’m a clean person to begin with, but I never really paid attention to using aftershave or what kind of soap I used to wash my face with. Also, I exfoliate twice a week (I’ve always done this). Yes, it’s a little effeminate but I’m pretty secure with my masculinity. Shut up.
3. Take better care of my teeth. Overall, my teeth are just fine. However, I don’t like my dentist. I haven’t been in, well, I’m ashamed to say how long it’s been. My dentist wanted to charge me what amounted to the gross national product of Guam to whiten my teeth. Needless to say, I need to find a new dentist. I may wait until April, when I can change my insurance coverage to include dental services.
4. Play with my kids more. I play with them a lot, but as stressors in my life start to build up, I tend to spend more time isolated, vegging out in front of some sporting event than playing with them. I have resolved to play with them every single night. Something that they want to do. Not something that I want to do, necessarily. So far, so good.
5. Watch less TV. I don’t watch a ton of TV. I watch even less “wasted” TV (as in sitcoms). However, I do watch a lot of sports and I do watch a lot of movies. Granted, I watch most of this stuff late at night, but my time can be better spent reading a book or doing something productive.
6. Take better care of my money. I don’t make a ton of money, but I make more than most in my field. However, every year when tax season rolls around, I look and say “where the hell did all my money go?” Holy shit, you made how much moolah last year? And you have how much in the bank? What the fuck are you trying to do, make sure you work until you die? It’s time to take care of my money. It’s time to make it work for me. I started reading a book that will point me in that direction, or at least I’m hoping it will. I’m a financial idiot.
7. Sell stuff on e-bay. I’ve had a ton of stuff sitting at home and on my desk here at work that I keep threatening to put on e-bay. I’ve only been saying this for about nine months now. It’s time to put this quality stuff on e-bay. *Dazzling smile*
8. Become more aware of what’s going on at work. Doing what I do, I am pretty isolated in terms of what I know about the files we have. My job is basically to get medical records, get them arranged and into a notebook and shuttle them off to whatever associate attorney is handling the case. I have other duties too, but that’s probably 75% of my work. However, I want to do more here like assist at trial (wherever that may be), assist at depositions, etc. In order to do that, I have to be intimate with the files. I plan to keep a running log of what I’m working on and what needs to be done on each file. Also, we have a trial in Southern California coming up in March. I have started reading the contents so that I’ll be *indispensable* when trial rolls around. I hope.
9. Take a vacation with my kids. Disney World is calling my name. As a matter of fact, it’s calling me around the end of April. The kids are at a great age to visit the place I spent a lot of my childhood at. I can’t wait. They were there once, but that was four years ago. Garrett remembers some of it, but Reese only remembers if we show him pictures. Besides, now Reese is big enough to ride the thrill rides with me. Garrett went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad with me and had the death grip on my arm the whole time. Should be a fun time!!
10. Do what I need to do to make myself happy. This is the hard one. I’m still figuring out what this will take. I’m sure some things in my life have to change. I just don’t know what they are yet. I’ll keep you all posted.
I sincerely hope that each one of you has a wonderful 2005!
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1. Go back to the gym. Every November, my life becomes hectic beyond belief. It becomes increasingly hard to go to the gym. I go religiously from January through June. Then softball kicks into full swing, so I cut back my gym time. Softball tapers off at the end of September through October, but basketball starts. November rolls around and there just aren’t enough hours in the day for me to do anything. This year, however, I think I figured out a way to stay consistent with the gym - I’m going on my lunch break (well, actually I adjusted my hours so I could take an hour and a half for lunch). That should help me go most every day. I’m not looking to get buff this year. Just looking to tone up, create some core strength and become more flexible. Pulling a groin muscle last year really taught me a valuable lesson about being flexible.
2. Take better care of my face. I’m talking about using aftershave balm and special men’s face wash twice a day. Yes, I’m a clean person to begin with, but I never really paid attention to using aftershave or what kind of soap I used to wash my face with. Also, I exfoliate twice a week (I’ve always done this). Yes, it’s a little effeminate but I’m pretty secure with my masculinity. Shut up.
3. Take better care of my teeth. Overall, my teeth are just fine. However, I don’t like my dentist. I haven’t been in, well, I’m ashamed to say how long it’s been. My dentist wanted to charge me what amounted to the gross national product of Guam to whiten my teeth. Needless to say, I need to find a new dentist. I may wait until April, when I can change my insurance coverage to include dental services.
4. Play with my kids more. I play with them a lot, but as stressors in my life start to build up, I tend to spend more time isolated, vegging out in front of some sporting event than playing with them. I have resolved to play with them every single night. Something that they want to do. Not something that I want to do, necessarily. So far, so good.
5. Watch less TV. I don’t watch a ton of TV. I watch even less “wasted” TV (as in sitcoms). However, I do watch a lot of sports and I do watch a lot of movies. Granted, I watch most of this stuff late at night, but my time can be better spent reading a book or doing something productive.
6. Take better care of my money. I don’t make a ton of money, but I make more than most in my field. However, every year when tax season rolls around, I look and say “where the hell did all my money go?” Holy shit, you made how much moolah last year? And you have how much in the bank? What the fuck are you trying to do, make sure you work until you die? It’s time to take care of my money. It’s time to make it work for me. I started reading a book that will point me in that direction, or at least I’m hoping it will. I’m a financial idiot.
7. Sell stuff on e-bay. I’ve had a ton of stuff sitting at home and on my desk here at work that I keep threatening to put on e-bay. I’ve only been saying this for about nine months now. It’s time to put this quality stuff on e-bay. *Dazzling smile*
8. Become more aware of what’s going on at work. Doing what I do, I am pretty isolated in terms of what I know about the files we have. My job is basically to get medical records, get them arranged and into a notebook and shuttle them off to whatever associate attorney is handling the case. I have other duties too, but that’s probably 75% of my work. However, I want to do more here like assist at trial (wherever that may be), assist at depositions, etc. In order to do that, I have to be intimate with the files. I plan to keep a running log of what I’m working on and what needs to be done on each file. Also, we have a trial in Southern California coming up in March. I have started reading the contents so that I’ll be *indispensable* when trial rolls around. I hope.
9. Take a vacation with my kids. Disney World is calling my name. As a matter of fact, it’s calling me around the end of April. The kids are at a great age to visit the place I spent a lot of my childhood at. I can’t wait. They were there once, but that was four years ago. Garrett remembers some of it, but Reese only remembers if we show him pictures. Besides, now Reese is big enough to ride the thrill rides with me. Garrett went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad with me and had the death grip on my arm the whole time. Should be a fun time!!
10. Do what I need to do to make myself happy. This is the hard one. I’m still figuring out what this will take. I’m sure some things in my life have to change. I just don’t know what they are yet. I’ll keep you all posted.
I sincerely hope that each one of you has a wonderful 2005!
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Tattoo Me
I had originally planned to do my New Year's Resolutions post today, but got sidetracked here at work. Celti and VaderChick always asked me for a better picture of my tat. I was going through some old photos last night and came across one that shows it a little better. No dissing the guy with the backwards hat going through his Easter Egg Basket.
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