Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Keeping Score During Your Relationship
For years, I wanted to come up with something that guys could use to keep score during their relationship. I’ve worked on this (with a little help from different sources) and finally think it’s ready to print.
Simple Duties
. You go to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners w/wings (+5)
. But return with a Hustler and a case of beer (-5)
. Or mistakenly return with a box of Depends (-10)
. You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
. You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
. You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
. You pummel it with a Louisville Slugger (+10)
. It's her cat (-10)
. You make the bed (+1)
. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets and forget about the wet spot from last night that you made her sleep in (-15)
. You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
. You put the toilet seat down (0)
. You don’t clean the toilet seat after sprinkling on it (-10)
. You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
. When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
. When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
Social Engagements
. You stay by her side the entire party (0)
. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
. Named Nicolette (-4)
. Nicolette is a dancer (-6)
. Who has implants (-8)
. That you’ve had sex with (-100)
. When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1.5)
. When mingling, you introduce her as "this month’s special" and pat her on the rump (-25)
. When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
. When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but I bet she's lousy in bed" (-6)
. That woman is her sister (-90)
. You have one drink, and that's it (0)
. You have more than a few and perform the tango with a Lhasa Apso (-2)
. You puke (-5)
. On her (-10)
. And try to clean it up with the pink angora sweater she asked you to hold (-100)
Saturday Afternoons
. You visit her parents (+1)
. You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
. You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
. And the television is broken (-6)
. You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
. And you didn't even go to college (-10)
. And it's not really your underwear (-15)
. You go to the mall together (+3)
. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
. In a different zip code (-30)
. You spend the day shopping for women's clothes with her (+5)
. You patiently hold her purse while you sit in the chair outside the dressing room (+10)
. You keep talking to the hot saleswoman working that area while you're waiting (-10)
. Her name is Nicolette (-100)
. You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
. You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a recliner while repeatedly asking store personnel to hand you a beer (-10)
. You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
. Most of it chips, beer and video games (-6)
. You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
. Or refinishing the floors (+16)
. Or rewiring the basement (+17)
. Or adding a second floor (+18)
. Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over your bed (-6)
. And you're tickled pink about it (-15)
Her Birthday
. You take her out to dinner (0)
. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
. Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
. And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
. It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
. You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
. You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
. If you stink (+2)
. If you're not half bad (+5)
. You get up and sing a Limp Bizkit song, and you're escorted out because you broke a chair (-20)
. You give her a gift (0)
. You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance, such as a vacuum cleaner (-10)
. You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance (+1)
. You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate (+2)
. You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for years (+30)
. You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
. With her Gold Card (-30)
. And whatever you bought is two sizes too small (-400)
Thoughtfulness
. You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
. Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
. And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
. You forget her birthday or your anniversary completely (-120)
. Because you’re still hung over from the strip club outing the night before (-1000)
A Night Out with Your Friends
. Go out with a buddy (-5)
. And the buddy is happily married (-4)
. Or eternally single (-7)
. And he drives a Porsche (-10)
. With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
. You have a few beers (-9)
. For every beer after three (-2 each)
. And miss curfew by an hour (-12)
. You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call (-15)
. You get home at 3 a.m. (-20)
. You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze, perfume and cheap cigars (-300)
. And not wearing any pants (-400)
. Is that a tattoo (-2000)
Her Night Out
. You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work (+5)
. She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late (+10)
. You wait up (+15)
. She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed (+20)
A Night Out, Just The Two of You
. You go see a comic (+2)
. He's crude and sexist (-2)
. You laugh (-5)
. You laugh too much (-10)
. She's not laughing (-15)
. You laugh harder (-25)
. You take her to a movie (+2)
. You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
. You put your arm around her and hand her kleenex during the tearjerker scenes (0)
. You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
. You take her to a movie you like (-2)
. It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)
. Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
. You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
A Night At Home
. You watch TV together (0)
. You rent a movie (+2)
. You rent a movie and it's Sense and Sensibility (+3)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you stay awake throughout (+5)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep (-10)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep, drool and mention the name “Nicolette” in your sleep (-2000)
Driving
. You lose the directions on a trip (-4)
. You lose the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
. You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
. You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
. You know them (-60)
. She finds out you lied about having a black belt (-600)
Flowers
. You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
. You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
. You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
. And she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
Your Physique
. You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
. You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
. You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
. Or a moo moo (-250)
Finances
. You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
. Something she can't use (-10)
. Such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
. And she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
The Big Question
. She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. You hesitate slightly in responding (-10)
. You don't hesitate at all in responding (-10)
. You reply "Of course not" (-10)
. You reply, "Where?" or “as opposed to what?” (-350)
Communication
. When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
. When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
. You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper (+10)
. You don’t reply when she’s done out of empathy (0)
. You don’t reply when she’s done because you've fallen asleep (-10)
. You try to fix the problem (-500)
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Simple Duties
. You go to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners w/wings (+5)
. But return with a Hustler and a case of beer (-5)
. Or mistakenly return with a box of Depends (-10)
. You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
. You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
. You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
. You pummel it with a Louisville Slugger (+10)
. It's her cat (-10)
. You make the bed (+1)
. You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
. You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets and forget about the wet spot from last night that you made her sleep in (-15)
. You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
. You put the toilet seat down (0)
. You don’t clean the toilet seat after sprinkling on it (-10)
. You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
. When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
. When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
Social Engagements
. You stay by her side the entire party (0)
. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
. Named Nicolette (-4)
. Nicolette is a dancer (-6)
. Who has implants (-8)
. That you’ve had sex with (-100)
. When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly (+1.5)
. When mingling, you introduce her as "this month’s special" and pat her on the rump (-25)
. When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you" (+1)
. When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say, "Yeah, but I bet she's lousy in bed" (-6)
. That woman is her sister (-90)
. You have one drink, and that's it (0)
. You have more than a few and perform the tango with a Lhasa Apso (-2)
. You puke (-5)
. On her (-10)
. And try to clean it up with the pink angora sweater she asked you to hold (-100)
Saturday Afternoons
. You visit her parents (+1)
. You visit her parents and actually make conversation (+3)
. You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television (-3)
. And the television is broken (-6)
. You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear (-6)
. And you didn't even go to college (-10)
. And it's not really your underwear (-15)
. You go to the mall together (+3)
. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car (+4)
. You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar (-2)
. In a different zip code (-30)
. You spend the day shopping for women's clothes with her (+5)
. You patiently hold her purse while you sit in the chair outside the dressing room (+10)
. You keep talking to the hot saleswoman working that area while you're waiting (-10)
. Her name is Nicolette (-100)
. You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it (+3)
. You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a recliner while repeatedly asking store personnel to hand you a beer (-10)
. You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk (+3)
. Most of it chips, beer and video games (-6)
. You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den (+15)
. Or refinishing the floors (+16)
. Or rewiring the basement (+17)
. Or adding a second floor (+18)
. Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over your bed (-6)
. And you're tickled pink about it (-15)
Her Birthday
. You take her out to dinner (0)
. You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
. Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
. And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
. It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)
. You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player (+3)
. You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing (+4)
. If you stink (+2)
. If you're not half bad (+5)
. You get up and sing a Limp Bizkit song, and you're escorted out because you broke a chair (-20)
. You give her a gift (0)
. You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance, such as a vacuum cleaner (-10)
. You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance (+1)
. You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate (+2)
. You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for years (+30)
. You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day (-10)
. With her Gold Card (-30)
. And whatever you bought is two sizes too small (-400)
Thoughtfulness
. You forget to pick her up at the bus station (-25)
. Which is in Newark, New Jersey (-35)
. And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast (-50)
. You forget her birthday or your anniversary completely (-120)
. Because you’re still hung over from the strip club outing the night before (-1000)
A Night Out with Your Friends
. Go out with a buddy (-5)
. And the buddy is happily married (-4)
. Or eternally single (-7)
. And he drives a Porsche (-10)
. With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) (-15)
. You have a few beers (-9)
. For every beer after three (-2 each)
. And miss curfew by an hour (-12)
. You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call (-15)
. You get home at 3 a.m. (-20)
. You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze, perfume and cheap cigars (-300)
. And not wearing any pants (-400)
. Is that a tattoo (-2000)
Her Night Out
. You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work (+5)
. She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late (+10)
. You wait up (+15)
. She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed (+20)
A Night Out, Just The Two of You
. You go see a comic (+2)
. He's crude and sexist (-2)
. You laugh (-5)
. You laugh too much (-10)
. She's not laughing (-15)
. You laugh harder (-25)
. You take her to a movie (+2)
. You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
. You put your arm around her and hand her kleenex during the tearjerker scenes (0)
. You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
. You take her to a movie you like (-2)
. It's called DeathCop 3 (-3)
. Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
. You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
A Night At Home
. You watch TV together (0)
. You rent a movie (+2)
. You rent a movie and it's Sense and Sensibility (+3)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you stay awake throughout (+5)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep (-10)
. It's Sense and Sensibility and you fall asleep, drool and mention the name “Nicolette” in your sleep (-2000)
Driving
. You lose the directions on a trip (-4)
. You lose the directions and end up getting lost (-10)
. You end up getting lost in a bad part of town (-15)
. You get lost in a bad part of town & meet the locals up close and personal (-25)
. You know them (-60)
. She finds out you lied about having a black belt (-600)
Flowers
. You buy her flowers only when it's expected (0)
. You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the heck of it (+20)
. You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself (+30)
. And she contracts Lyme disease (-25)
Your Physique
. You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
. You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
. You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-5)
. Or a moo moo (-250)
Finances
. You spend a lot of money on something impractical (-5)
. Something she can't use (-10)
. Such as a motorized model airplane (-20)
. And she got a small appliance for her birthday (-40)
The Big Question
. She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. You hesitate slightly in responding (-10)
. You don't hesitate at all in responding (-10)
. You reply "Of course not" (-10)
. You reply, "Where?" or “as opposed to what?” (-350)
Communication
. When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
. When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
. You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television or picking up a newspaper (+10)
. You don’t reply when she’s done out of empathy (0)
. You don’t reply when she’s done because you've fallen asleep (-10)
. You try to fix the problem (-500)
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