Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My Favorite Movie Quotes

Ok, keeping with the whole "movie" theme (since I watch movies every chance I get and all), here are my favorite all time movie quotes.

First from Pulp Fiction - Probably my number one all time favorite movie:

Jules: What country you from!
Brett: What?
Jules: "What" ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "What?"
Brett: What?
Jules: English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?
Brett: Yes.
Jules: Then you understand what I'm sayin'?
Brett: Yes.
Jules: Now describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like!
Brett: What?
Jules: Say "What" again! C'mon, say "What" again! I dare ya, I double dare ya motherfucker, say "What" one more goddamn time! Now describe to me what Marsellus Wallace looks like!

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Lance: But she's got breast plates. So what you got to do, you got to bring the needle down in a stabbing motion. [Makes three stabbing motions with hand.]
Vincent: I gotta stab her three times?
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One of the funniest movies of all time - Office Space:

Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in glorious mutual funds and take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities and
Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point is you're supposed to work out what you [printer starts beeping]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?

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Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.

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Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Samir Na-gheen-an-a-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There was nothing wrong with it... until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

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Michael Bolton: If we get caught, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison!

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Another laugh right out loud movie - There's Something About Mary:

[after telling Mary that he's an architect]
Pat Healy: Really, it's only a side thing for my true passion.
Mary: And what's that?
Pat Healy: I work with retards.
Mary: Isn't that a little politically incorrect?
Pat Healy: Yeah, maybe, but hell, no one's gonna tell me who I can and can't work with.

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Mary's Step-Dad: How'd you get the beans above the frank?
Warren: Franks and beans, franks and beans, franks and beans.

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American Pie - one of the truly new classics:

Michelle: Ohh, and this one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.
Jim: [Choking on his beer.] Excuse me?
Michelle: What, you don't think I know how to get myself off? Hell, that's what half of band camp is... sex-ed! So, are we gonna screw soon? 'Cause I'm getting kinda antsy.

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Fast Times at Ridgemont High - one of the truly old classics:

Mike Damone: First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

[NOTE: I've actually repeated this whole passage a time or two in my day]

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[After Spicoli wrecks Jefferson's car.]
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill you and he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Hey man, just be glad I had fast reflexes!
Jefferson's Brother: My brother's gonna shit!
Jeff Spicoli: Make up your mind, dude, is he gonna shit or is he gonna kill us?
Jefferson's Brother: First he's gonna shit, then he's gonna kill us!
Jeff Spicoli: Relax, alright? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

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Stacy Hamilton: When a guy has an orgasm, how much comes out?
Linda Barrett: A quart or so.

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Major League - Always good to quote this stuff on the ballfield.

Harry Doyle: Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.

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Harry Doyle: Vaughn's first pitch. Juuuuuuuuuuuuuust a bit outside. Tried the corner and missed. Ball four. Ball eight. Ball and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on twelve straight pitches. How can these hitters lay off pitches that close?

[NOTE: My pitchers hate it when I use this line when they walk a hitter. Doesn't stop me, however]

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Pepper Leach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batter] You want me to go get him?
Lou Brown: Nah, leave him out there. I want to see how he handles this.
Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter causing a benches clearing brawl] I think you can go get him now.

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Old School. There isn't a funnier movie for the first 45 minutes.

Mitch Martin: ...all of these fucking people!
Beanie: Whoa! Whoa! Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.

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Frank: I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.
College Student: A big day? Doing what?
Frank: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we're going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

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The Waterboy - I'm not a huge Adam Sandler guy, but this movie makes me laugh so hard.

Bobby Boucher: "Well I like school... and I like football... and I'm gonna keep doin' 'em both because they make me feel good.
[Slams door, then comes back]
Bobby Boucher: And by the way, Mama... alligators are ornery because of their medulla oblongata.
[Slams door, then comes back]
Bobby Boucher: And I like Vicki and she likes me back. And she showed me her boobies and I like them too."

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These next two are the grandaddies of all comedy movies. First Animal House:

D-Day: War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.

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Last but not least - Airplane:

Who doesn't love Airplane?

Young Boy with Coffee: Cream?
Little Girl: No thanks, I take it black, like my men.

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Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Dr. Rumack: I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.

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Of course, this is just a sampling of my favorites. There are way too many others to list. If you'll excuse me, I have to go home and have a movie marathon.

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