The World According to JP

Everyone has a "To Do" list. Not me, I believe in the Not To Do List. As long as I can cross these babies off at the end of the day, I've found that my day was a relatively successful one.

Not To Do Today

1. Wake up fussin, yellin and cussin. Drip, drip, drippin and pus, pus, pussin;

2. And for that matter - Look in the mirror and say "Mama mia, I'ma kill that bitch the next time I see her." (Thank you Kool Moe Dee).

3. Sit in a jail cell lamenting the fact that she didn't look like a cop.

4. See either one of my sons skipping through the house whistling show tunes.

5. Hear my name uttered in the same sentence as "Sexually Transmitted Disease."

6. Speak these words to a woman: "Really, this has never happened to me before."

7. Hear my best friend say to me as he's running out of my bedroom, "Honestly, it's not what it looks like."

8. Find out the specific details of how I was conceived.

9. Have one of my kids say to me, "Dad, have you seen my science project? I left it on the shelf in the fridge next to the pudding." As I'm halfway done eating a bowl of what I thought was tapioca.

10. Come home to find the following things are missing: my golf clubs, duct tape, vaseline and the cats.



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