Thursday, June 30, 2005

Stupid Sayings Heard Around The Office

As much as I love my job, working in a bigger office means having to work with all kinds of people with all kinds of personalities. There's nothing worse than having to interact with an office full of people that think they're akin to Bill Lumbergh.

Having been here for awhile now, I've figured out who I can talk with before I've had my coffee and who I cannot. Granted, there's only two or three people here that can get under my skin, but that's two or three more than I need.

Here's a list of stupid-ass sayings you'd be apt to hear around my office if you work here for any amount of time. Mind you, I'm the type of person that doesn't give or accept excuses on why something cannot be done. Get it done. It's your job. If you don't like your job, please feel free to go find a new one.

"This square peg doesn't fit in this round hole." I don't care. You make it work. If it's all that we have and we need something to be done with them, just do it and quit yer bitchin. All you're doing is wasting time

"Glass know the rest." Yes, I do know the rest. And if you say it again, we're going to find out if your head is made of glass, dumbass.

When talking about a material possession (like a car, boat, house, etc.) with some of these guys, you get the "mine's better than the one down the street because..." Why the hell does everyone think that theirs is better just because the own it?

"Did you get the memo?" You know what? If I got the fucking memo, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

There's one guy here that uses all of these sayings - "run it up a flag pole"; "pick your brain"; "get your ducks in a row"; "that's neither here nor there."
My gut reaction is to punch this dude straight in the mouth. Good thing I run it up the flag pole while picking my brain before doing so. I really need to get my ducks in a row before I go Jackie Chan on his ass. But that's neither here nor there.

In response to "how's it going?" some dolt here actually tells me every single day "You know, just another day at the salt mine." Dude, you work in a freaking law office. You are wearing a $1,200 Armani suit. I've never met anyone that worked in a salt mine, but I'm pretty sure they don't dress like you.

"It's not my cup of tea." Really? Well FUCK you and FUCK your tea!!

Some dude told me the other day "I'm busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest." I deadpanned, without even hesitating, "1993 just called. They want their joke back." He didn't get it.

"....irregardless of what you say..." Note to dumbass, irregardless IS NOT A WORD. Regardless is. Irrespective is. Irregardless is not.

Any sports metaphor is pretty tired stuff...

"Hit a home run..."
"Go all the way..."
"We're a team..."
"We need you to be an MVP..."

If you need to be motivated by sports cliches, just end it now.

As a matter of fact, if you need anything to motivate your ass, find a job you love doing. Otherwise, you're just stealing money.

If you'll excuse me now, I need to finish my cup of coffee so I can venture out of my office.

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