Thursday, June 16, 2005

People That Need To Be Punched In The Face

Vicki made the comment to me that I want to punch everyone in the face. This is not true. To show you this is not true, I have compiled a list of people that I would like to clock in the grill.

1. Anyone who goes food shopping, pays with a check, and doesn't start filling in any part of the check until the whole bill is tallied up. You knew damned well where you were shopping, what store you're in, what day it is and how to sign your could've easily filled at least THOSE facts in while the cashier was ringing up your $200 grocery tab!

2. Senior citizens who insist on driving as though EVERY day is a good day for a "Sunday drive." For the love of God, drive the damned speed limit and stop hitting your brakes as you APPROACH a light or flea market or yard sale or VFW lodge!

3. Senior citizens who feel that their age or veteran status somehow makes them exempt from traffic regulations, especially in parking lots.

4. Jackasses that can't manage to use a cell phone while driving. I'm coming home last night and in the center lane of a very busy street the dickhead in front of me is going 30 mph while yakking away on his phone. Dude needed to be jacked up.

5. The lady in starbucks that is always in front of you and can't make up her mind. Lady, it's 6:30 a.m. and you're making me late for work, get a frickin' cup of coffee or get the hell out of the way.

6. Anyone driving on a HIGHWAY that insists on driving no faster than the the maximum limit in the fast lane, yet doesn't get out of the way of the cars that wish to go faster. I'd love to dot their eye.

7. Anyone who actually still pays for and/or still wants to watch Mike Tyson fight.

8. Anyone who doesn't use a turn signal.

9. Pedestrians who just mosey on across the crosswalk when they see cars are waiting.

10. Every Oregon DOT planner/worker who plans/performs road work at 5pm on a Friday afternoon.

11. Assholes who think they deserve a refund after renting a movie they thought sucked. I was at a Blockbuster last week and some guy made a scene with the girl at the counter making $7/hr because he didn't enjoy "Life Aquatic". She ended up calling upon the manager to talk to the guy, and he said something like, "We can't be held responsible for your displeasure of the movie". I would have drilled him in the teeth and called it even.

12. Any bluehair/"pilot whale in a whitetrash mother of 7 disguise" who disputes the validity of their $0.25 coupon with the cashier while the line has grown to Star Wars geek proportions.

13. Parasites, otherwise known as lazy assed bums. You know the ones that get their rent paid for by the government. They get $500 worth of food stamps, money for school, etc. All they do is sit on their ass, spit out kids and smoke crack. Jab to the nose.

14. The asshole who is in such a hurry to make it to their destination 8 minutes faster. He weaves in and out of traffic, riding everyones ass all while never using a turn signal. Congrats dickweed you made it there 8 minutes faster. Overhand left to the temple, bitch.

15. Any guy wearing those prefaded jeans that cost $90 with a pink shirt and a seashell necklace. Not to mention the gallon of dried up population paste in their hair. Rabbit punch bitch.

16. People who act all friendly to you only to start talking smack the second you walk away. Hook to the ear.

17. I'd like to give a solid right hand to the bridge of the nose to Starbucks, The Coffee People and any other chain that would actually serve the dregs of a pot of coffee that has cooked down for a half hour and is now stronger than 12 molar Hydrochloric Acid. If you work there an wouldn't drink that swill for free, why in the fuck do you think I want to pay $2 for it? Jesus, you make 570 jugs of fucking coffee per day, I think you've got a pretty good idea that the last two cups taste like you put a handful of I-84 Gresham asphalt in August into a juicer and called it a beverage. How about pouring it down the drain instead of trying to pass it off to me in the drive-thru because you know I'm on my way to work and won't turn around after I taste it.

18. The Jury in the Jackson Trial

19. Dickheads who think the world is their ashtray. Kick square in the package.

20. Those people with stick figures on their rear window that represents their family.

I mean, seriously, when you see one of these:

don't you want to crush their skull with a right hook?

Or is it just me?

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