Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Wash Your Ass!

Ok, I've been debating for quite some time about whether or not to print this story or not. It is quite gross. However, I think it's pretty funny. It's also 100% true. If you have a strong stomach, read on!!

I ran into one of my old buds a while back hanging out at Gator's Dockside in Kissimmee, Florida.

Dude's name was Todd. We called him Fat Todd back in the day for reasons that you can figure out I'm sure. He had lost quite a bit of weight over the years, so now he was just "Todd" again.

I hadn't seen him for quite some time and we're going along catching up on things that have happenend in our lives the past few years. I asked him how his wife and kids were doing and he tells me that he had gotten a divorce.

I was a little bit shocked over this, since this dude had married his high school sweetheart and they had always seemed to get along pretty well. They were one of "those" couples. You know the ones, so sweet that if you stand too close your teeth start to rot.

I asked him what had happened, expecting an answer like "I caught her in bed fucking my best friend" or "She was a sketched out dope fiend who ran us straight to the poor house with a $200 a day cola habit. You know, something bad. Something that would cause a 25 year marriage to go down the shitter.

What I got was...

Todd: "Dude, I could smell her fucking butthole!"

Me: "Ummmmmmmmmm...ok, so you divorced your wife of 15 years, the mother of your 2 kids because you could smell her fucking butthole?"

Todd: "Yea. I could smell her fucking butthole"

Me: "Ok, are you saying that she would just be walking by, or sitting next to you or something, and you could smell ass...and you knew for sure it was her ass that you were smelling"?

Todd: "No, nothing like that. We were home one Friday night, just kicking it, watched a movie, drank a little, she gets up and gets in the shower. She comes out about 30 minutes later wearing this nice red teddy (Dude's wife had huuuuuuge boobies) and does the Ol' "come hither finger curl" at me. So, I hithered my ass to the bedroom in a hurry.

I get in there and shook all of my clothes off, hopped onto the bed right between her legs and start munching down on her snatch. I get her all nice and juiced up, hop up and start nailing it. We're getting after it pretty good. I roll off the side of the bed, pull her into the doggy style position, slide it back in and...That's when it hit me."

Me: "The butthole smell?" (Where's Beavis and Butt-Head when you need em?)

Todd: "Yea, the butthole smell. I mean fullblown ass starts wafting up and hits me full in the face!"

Me: "Are you sure it was coming from her?"

Todd: "Oh yea, no fucking doubt dude. It was coming right from her butthole. It was fucking reeking bad with that dirty ass smell...you know?...not a shit smell...or a fart smell...it was dirty ass...dirty, nasty butthole...nothing smells like that...it's not overpowering or anything...just dirty ass." (He seems to be an expert, so how can I argue?)

Me: "What about the shower? I thought she had just taken a shower?"

Todd: "That's pretty much what did me in. I knew she didn't wash her ass, you know some water had at least trickled down there and if it smelled like that fresh out of the shower, it would have really been rocking underneath those jeans while I was sitting next to her."

Me: "Damn. What did you do? You know, right then while you were fucking her?"

Todd: "Well, I instantly lost my boner. Told her something like I had to pee or some shit like that. Walked in the bathroom. I was staring in the mirror and I had a little bit of the dirty butthole residue floating up into my face. I made my desicion. I walked out of the bathroom and told her I wanted a divorce, right then, right there."

Of course she wanted to know why, so I told her - it's your butthole. it smells dirty. I could never fuck you again without thinking about it having that smell. She couldn't believe it, started freaking out and yelling that I was fucking someone else. I told her that was not it at all. It boiled right down to her butthole. Six months later we were divorced. Been divorced a couple of years now."

I didn't believe Ol' Todd at first...but...he's told a few other people the exact same story. Pretty wild shit...literally!

I don't know if I would divorce the wife over the dirty butthole smell...but damn...it would throw a freaking kink in there.

So, everyone reading this, in the future, please wash your ass. The relationship you save may be your own.

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Comments:
How the hell can this not have more comments?? This link was number one when I googled 'doggystyle smell ass'
Anyway...it seems many chicks are like this. Out of the 40ish girls I've slept with, I've only done a handful doggystyle, but I can only recall ONE doggystyle where I didn't smell ass. Its repulsive.

Then again, I'm sure that if I was bent over my ass would smell too. As would fat todds.

Not that that makes it any better.
 
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