Monday, February 07, 2005

How To Piss Off An Entire Office In Less Than 5 Minutes

Ok, since I found a new job, I figured I'd send out a joke e-mail to my fellow co-workers to try to elicit a chuckle or two from them. I thought that I had a pretty good handle on the collective sense of humor of the people that worked here, but found out I was wrong. I couple people laughed, but I offended the rest of them. It's weird because I've seen e-mails a hell of a lot worse than this one come down the pipe here. Guess some people just can't take a joke. I've changed the names to protect the innocent.

The Last Will And Testament Of JP

I, JP, being of (semi-) sound mind and (rock hard) body and not being under the influence of (m)any (hard) drugs, do hereby bequeath the following things to the following individuals:

To (an attorney that is in his late 40's and is about to have his first kid, he also hibernates in his office. We'll go weeks without seeing him) - I start with you because you and I started here on the same day and, if I were a gamblin’ man, I would have wagered a year’s worth of my salary that you didn’t work here for longer than a year and a half, since I hadn’t seen you in about nine months until last week when I was on my way to the bathroom upstairs. Wow, thank God I got sidetracked by that woman (hooker) on my way to place that bet down in Vegas. Be that as it may, I bequeath to you my superb parenting skills. I just sincerely hope you don’t have to use them nearly as much as I do. Good luck!!

To (the only attorney here that voted for Dubuya) - You, my friend, get my hatred of President Bush and everything President Bush-like. Honestly, you should try bashing him for awhile, it’s quite fun. Also, all the snickering behind your back will stop.

To (the secretary in her late 40's that dresses and talks slutty. She's also Chip the computer geek's mom) - I’m going to give you my underwear since you have mentioned on a couple of occasions that you weren’t wearing any of your own. I was going to give you my left knee (she injured her's about a year ago "playing basketball"), but with my right one aching all the damn time, I don’t think I’d be able to play basketball without at least one good knee.

To (my boss' partner who is taller than I am) - I’m going to give you two feet of my height. I do this because I think it would be pretty freakin’ cool to see people’s reactions when an 8 ½’ attorney entered the courtroom. Of course, you’d probably get kidnaped by Ringling Brothers, but it would be fun to witness while you were still around.

To (the secretary that is a devout Mormon and was a virgin until she got married last year at 32) - You know, I’m afraid to give you anything that isn’t pure as the driven snow mainly because I have a sneaking suspicion that if I did, I’d be slated for the next handbasket headed due south immediately thereafter. Since I have nothing that is pure, you’re out of luck kiddo.

To (the "old timer" attorney of the group. He's in his late 60's and just got remarried) - I’ve got something special in store for you. I have already set the wheels in motion wherein I score some prescription Levitra through my doctor’s office. I did this with you in mind. When I do secure the prescription, I’ll fill it and I’ll give it to you, since you’re a newlywed and have an infinitely better chance of, uhhh, using it in the next month than I do.

To (Chip, the IT geek) - I am leaving you my role as the Notebook Nazi. If you rule these notebooks with the same iron fist that you rule the firm computers with, people will be hard-pressed to get anything notebook-related out the door on time.

To (our receptionist. Her daughter is very cute) - You are one lucky woman. You get my second born, Reese. It seems that Reese thinks that Mimi is his girlfriend. He keeps telling me that his girlfriend is “that girl from the party that we saw Santa Claus at.” And, when pressed, he told me that she’s “the girl that came with (your receptionist).” So there you go. You get Reese. I hope you have better luck with him than I have over the years.

To (the attorney that is very short and a little whipped at home) - I was going to leave you 6" of my height so you can stop wearing those clogs in the summer, but since I gave 2' to (the attorney upstairs), I don’t think I could part with any more of it. So, in the alternative, I’m leaving you my ability to watch South Park and any other smut-filled show at home that I wish. You can thank me later.

To (my fellow Cowboy and Oregon Duck fan attorney) - I’m leaving you my love of the Cowboys so you can eclipse Vicki’s love for the Eagles. Lord knows you’re going to need it, especially if the Eagles win the Super Bowl this weekend. I’d leave you my love for the Ducks, but I’m afraid it would combine with yours and cause your head to explode.

To Vicki - Ah, my roomie. I am leaving you with lower blood pressure and a full bottle of Valium. I’m sure that you can have my desk chair, if you beat our receptionist in a steel cage death match for it. Also, I leave you the right to yell at any guy here any time you want, as I will no longer be here to assume that role.

To (my boss) - What do you give the man who has everything? The only thing I can give to you is the full-time use of your Cayenne. No more people needing to use it to "go meet a client" (read: drag race unassuming Z28s and bang hot chicks in the backseat). The Carrera, however, is still fair game. I’ll be over every other Sunday to make sure it gets driven appropriately.

All of you, except (the Mormon), will get these things at 5:00 p.m. Friday, February 18, 2005. That’s it. That’s all I got. So, in the immortal words of Tony Soprano, “you are all dead to me.”

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