The World According to JP

Really. I don’t. But I hate, hate, HATE (to infinity and beyond! as my son would say) the Yankees. Hate them like they did something wretched to my family. Hate them like I hate paying taxes. Hate them like I hate stepping in doggy dung because some asshole decided that he didn’t need to clean up after his dog shat on the sidewalk. They are too corporate. Too clean cut. Too Steinbrenner, whom I believe is the Anti-Christ. To sum it up, the Yankees are against my religion.

I’ll run down the starting lineup to show you where my hatred lies. I’d do the whole team (yes, I hate every single one of them in their own special way), but, quite frankly, I don’t have that much time and energy.

Derek Jeter - The most likable of the Yankees. And yet I hate him. Dude is clutch in a way that makes you want to jump through the TV screen and strangle him until his green eyes are bouncing around in the dirt. I think this is where my hatred stems. He languishes in total mediocrity all year long, then when the clock turns from September to October, he’s like the second coming of Reggie Jackson (another person I hate). Mr. Jeter, yes you may bang cover models and own NYC, but I remain unimpressed.

Pay-Rod - This was Garrett’s first role model when he played in Seattle. Then, he took the money and ran. Hell, I can’t blame him. I’d have a hard time turning down 1/4 of a billion dollars to play baseball too. What I can blame him for is forcing a trade from the Rangers after realizing that he was the albatross around their collective necks. Mr. Rod, economics is a simple subject. If half of the team’s projected payroll is tied up in one person, then the rest of the team is going to suck. It shouldn’t have taken you three seasons to figure that out. And another thing, if I’m the Red Sox, your ass is getting buzzed up and in at least once an at bat. Maybe it'll wipe that arrogant fucking smirk off your face. Get used to being sprawled in the right-handed batter’s box.

Gary Sheffield - I’d hate him if I weren’t so utterly terrified of him. I tried to swing a bat as hard as he did once and I threw my back out. The thing I don’t like about Mr. Sheffield is that he only shows up when he has players around him to back him up. He cannot be “The Man.” They tried that in Florida, LA and Atlanta and he proved he couldn’t handle it. But if I meet him in person I'm kissin his ass until I can see my reflection in it.

Hideki Matsui - “Godzilla” or “Gardzirra” for all our Japanese readers. This guy never, and I mean NEVER smiles. Why I didn't see his glum mug on the World Series of Poker is beyond me, he's the king of the stone face! Oh wait, he's a Yankee, he already has more money than God, who needs to play poker? Like most Japanese players, he’s completely devoid of emotion as if Torre plugged him in at night when they were done playing. One of the highlights of last night’s game was seeing Pedro deck his ass, sending him sprawling. Most Honorable Mr. Matsui didn’t look quite as comfortable in the box afterward. And I loved every minute of it.

Bernie Williams - Another player who coasts through the regular season and decides to play hard in the postseason. Enjoy it, Bernie, this will be your last season in center. Hell, you weren’t supposed to play there this year. I mean the Yanks did sign Cool Papa Lofton, but then realized that he’s older than the United States Postal Service.

Jorge Posada - I don’t care what anyone says, his name is not “Hor-hey,” it’s “George.” I don’t mind Posada as much because he tends to disappear in the postseason.

John Olerud - I have a hard time hating Oly. He was one of my favorites when he was in Seattle. A quiet presence on the field, a great glove and great teammate. However, since he’s been in pinstripes, I hate him. Just because I can.

Ruben Sierra - The only hitter on the roster older than Smokey Joe Lofton. Huge hitch in his swing. Why everyone doesn’t throw him changeup after changeup low and away, I don’t know. Anyhow, I hate him just because he can’t do anything but DH.

Miguel Cairo - Who the fuck is Miguel Cairo? A .270 career hitter, you put him in a Yankee uniform and suddenly he’s involved in 10 pitch at bats, getting clutch hits and turning key double plays. I don’t get it. I hate him just because he was obviously sandbagging when he played for other teams.

The thing that sucks the most about this postseason is that I know that next year I will have to hate one of my favorite players. Georgie will sign Carlos Beltran to a contract that's roughly the GNP of Belieze. After that, next year, at this time, I will be rooting for him to get decked during every at bat.

Ok, I’m spent. Too much hatred. I have to conserve some energy for the game tonight, after all.

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