Thursday, August 12, 2004

The Private Pool

As I said Tuesday, fuck it's hot! We're still broiling out here. Since my townhouse doesn't provide much relief, we spend a couple hours each evening at the pool attempting to cool off before returning to our place, which seems to retain and intensify heat, for the remainder of the evening. This pool is marketed as a private one. I guess it's private, if you define private as giving 1,000 people access to it daily, but I digress.

Now, since it's been so hot, everybody and their cousin have been at the pool at night. Last night, however, was a rare night where there were less than 20 people there when we arrived. After we got settled in and the boys were off and swimming, I started to look around, and I'd never seen such diverse (ok, we'll go with diverse) groups of people there, even on nights when there were three times as many people.

First, I saw three middle aged women scattered throughout the area reading novels. And when I say novels, I don't mean light, breezy summer reading. They were reading I, Claudius, Anna Karenina and Heaven and Hell. That's a rockin' bunch of women, let me tell you. No wonder they were undoubtedly single and had nothing better to do that evening.

The next group I saw were about 8 overweight younger women wearing bikinis. And when I say overweight, I don't mean that they were pudgy, chunky or even could stand to lose a few pounds. I mean they were holy fucking fat. We're talking 5'2" 250 lbs. fat; my-anklet-is-holding-on-for-dear-life fat; the-pool-overflows-when-we're-all-in-it-at-the-same-time fat. I'm not a hater, honest. I don't have anything against overweight people, as long as they cover up. I cover up as much as possible and I'm not overweight. Did these women not consult a mirror before they left their home? May I direct you ladies to the private exercise center that we have here on our grounds as well? Jeebus, it was like swimming with a school of scantily clad beluga whales. Do whales even swim in schools? Anyhow, I was staring at one of these women because something else was amiss with her. I stared. And stared. And STARED. I stared so long that I was risking a restraining order, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what the fuck was wrong with her face. Then the Reesey Monster came and whispered in my ear, "Dad, where's that lady's eyebrows?" Eureka!! Son, you're a frickin genius. Not only was she about 275 pounds, not only was she wearing a bikini that was at least 3 sizes too small, the bitch didn't have eyebrows! Damn, at least get some waterproof mascara and draw some on. Fake it till you make it. Definitely the weirdest thing I've seen since William Hung did his "She Bangs" routine.

That brings us to the white trash family that was sitting at one of the tables. Picture this genetic science experiment: him - about 22 but looks 12, 5'4" 125 lbs. Thinning light brown hair. Nazi swastika tat on his left boob, which wasn't so much a boob as it was just skin stretched tightly against his chest bone. Isn't that just a pretty sight? Her - about 24 but looks 34, 5'6" 225 lbs. Matching Nazi swastika tat on the small of her back. She was never without a cigarette stuck in her chow bucket. He was never without a beer stuck in his dainty, feminine hands. First off, there's a sign that says alcohol is strictly prohibited. Not that I'm against drinking a few beers. However, he was drinking Busch Light. Damn, I'd rather drink the pool water. They should have been locked up for that alone. Add that to the fact that the dude was wearing cutoff jeans (another infraction), couldn't seem to walk from the pool to their chairs (running is against the rules also) and he kept diving into the pool headfirst -no diving rule too - in 4 ½ feet of water. Needless to say, I was beginning to think that maybe they just couldn't read. Ok, we'll blame illiteracy. Did I mention that they had a 3 year old boy? Well, they did and he didn't know how to swim. That didn't seem to deter him from running to the pool and jumping in head first also. Now, this kid was probably 2 ½' tall. At it's shallowest, the pool is 3' deep. Do the math. I personally saved this kid's life at least twice last night. Maybe I should have performed the ultimate act of humanity and taken him home with me too. They seemed more upset that the swastika they drew on his leg with a pen washed off then they did about him almost drowning. Can someone answer this question - why the fuck do you have to have a license to get a dog, but they let any idiot have a kid? Honestly, I need an answer to that question. I'm serious.

I think tonight we're going to walk around the air conditioned mall where at least we can make fun of people after they're out of earshot. That's what I call private.

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