Friday, July 02, 2004


Coming back from the doctor’s office today, I saw a slammin’ brand new Corvette on I-205, or at least I thought it was. On the back of this beautiful machine, the owner had a vanity plate that said 4MYWIFE. WTF is that all about? 4MYWIFE??? Wassamatta, were DIK MSNG and PUZYWHPD taken already? Think about this for a second. First off, if you’re dropping $60,000 on a sports car to give to your wife, you probably have too much money in the first place. Second off, if you do nut up and buy her a ride like that, it should come with a stipulation that she blow you on command for as long as that car is running. Third off, if you’re gonna get a vanity plate for it, for the love of GOD, don't get one that says anything about it being your wife's ride. If you do, the rest of us will then know that you're the most pussywhipped human being on the face of the Earth. At least be man enough to have a dummy plate with something line “SNGL MD” that you can put on it when you’re driving that snatch catcher alone.

Vanity plates are stupid to begin with. I can’t tell you how many cars I see around here that have plates that say “MY CVALR” or “FRD BRNCO.” I can see what fucking make and model vehicle you have, I don’t need to read it twice on the back of your fucking POS car to understand it. Also, I assume that since it’s your fat ass in the front seat, it’s also your fucking car. Therefore, that takes care of the need to put “MY” in front of anything on your license plate.

Then there's the guys out there that put stuff like "THE BRAD" and/or "MIKE IZ COOL" on their hooptie. Little note, if you put "The" in front of your name, you're a certifiable idiot and shouldn't be allowed to drive in the first place. Likewise, adding "is cool" to the end of your name doesn't make you cool; I don't care what kind of sled you've got. Actually, it has the exact opposite effect. It also makes the rest of us want to run you off the road into a bridge abutment.

The dumbest vanity plates of all are the ones that are apparently an inside joke. There are a plethora of cars out there that have something like “FF DL ME” or “9ILM” on the back. Why not just put "NSDE JOKE" on it? Nobody gets it anyhow. After your fucking family and friends see it, the joke is over. Come to think of it, they probably make fun of you for it behind your back. Furthermore, I already have enough going on inside and outside my windshield without my kids asking a barrage of questions about what your plate means. To me, it just doesn’t seem worth the extra $50 a year. I have a better idea, take that $50 a year and buy a book or two to expand your brain, it’s obvious you can use it. I think the rule should be that if you do this, people can throw shit at your ride until you pull over and explain it to them.

The only exception to this rule I saw was in Kill Bill Vol. 1 (I haven't seen Vol. 2 yet). The Pussy Wagon plate was fucking awesome. But none of you can pull it off, even if your name is Buck and you're here to fuck.

Now, if you have a vanity plate and I offended you just now, too fucking bad. Just thought you should know how the rest of us NRML HUMNS FLT.

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