The World According to JP

Last night, my little Reesey monster has his last t-ball game. We load up in the ‘burban and head off to the game. We get there, our kids show up, but the other team decides not to show. We decide on a kids against the parents game, to celebrate the season coming to an end. Everything goes off without a hitch and we all had a blast. That is until we try to leave.

The parking lot at the fields is pretty small, considering it serves as the parking lot for a 4 field little league complex, tennis courts and the community center, which has a pool. Since it was 95° when we got to the fields, the pool was packed and there were probably only 4 spots left out of the 50 or 60 spots in the parking lot. We were lucky, we got one of the last few parking places, although if you have a big truck, you can pull it up onto the curb, and I would have had no problem doing that, as I had done it many times before. However, we decided to park “legally.” Little did I know that this decision would affect not only the rest of my evening, but my sanity as well.

After the game, we load up in the truck. I turn it on, get the A/C cranking and look behind me to pull out. There’s a little blue Nissan pickup truck in my way. Ok, no problem, I’ll wait for him to move. The minutes start ticking off, one, two, three, four. When I’ve been waiting there five minutes, I’m starting to get a little antsy to leave. Nissan truck still behind me. Ok, I’ll give it a couple more minutes. However, when I looked out onto the road in front of me, I notice that there’s a full-fledged traffic jam on the road that’s stemming from the parking lot. So I’m like what the frick is goin on? I get out of the truck to see what’s up, thinking there has to be some reasonable explanation. Then I remembered, the world is full of idiots and lucky me, I'm going to meet another one, maybe their leader. Turns out the Nissan truck isn’t the problem, there’s a new silver Kia Rio in front of him just sitting there, without a care in the world. Traffic is backed up behind her and traffic is now backed up on the other side of the parking lot b/c of this dolt.

Soooooo, not seeing any obvious reason for all this commotion, I walk over to her car (while punching in the number to my cardiologist on my cell, just in case) and have this conversation with her:

Me: Excuse me, you’re kind of blocking traffic here. May I ask why?

Her: Well, I’m waiting for this parking spot.

Me: You’ve been waiting for the better part of ten minutes. I don’t think these people are leaving any time soon.

Her: Oh, they’re leaving. Their kids are in the car.

Me: Well, if you look and see, the parents are at the field, watching the game and these teens are playing in the car.

Her: No, they’re leaving.

Me(holy shit, I have met their leader): Well, you’re causing a major traffic tie up here. I mean, they’re backed up out of the parking lot all the way onto 82nd Ave.

Her: *looks at me like I’m an idiot and shrugs her shoulders.*

Me (about ready to hyperventilate): You need to move your car.

Her: I’m waiting for MY parking spot.

Me (getting ready to hit send on my cell, or smack her upside the head, whichever comes first): Lady, I don’t know who bequeathed you this parking spot, but it’s not yours. You’re simply not here at the right time. If you were passing by whilst this person happened to be backing out of the spot, then you could have felt free to sit, wait and pull your car into the spot. However, you’re causing no less than 30 cars to sit and wait b/c you feel entitled to this spot.

Her: I’m not moving until I get this spot.

At this point, I’m about ready to snatch this beeeyotch out of her piece of shit car, drive it to the nearest pier and find out if it can swim. However, I’m trying to stay calm, but failing miserably. I mean, my Suburban is baking in the hot sun, air conditioning cranking. With gas prices the way they are, I can practically see the dollars flying out of my pocket and up her fat white ass.

Me: I’d be willing to bet you are moving before you get this spot.

Her: How so?

Me (noticing that people have gotten out of their cars and have started to walk up to show their support): Because if you don’t move it, I’m going to do it for you. As a matter of fact, if you don’t do it within the next 30 seconds, you’re going to have an angry mob to deal with. Believe me, I’ll be the least of your worries, lady.

Her: Well, if I move, then I’ll have to park on a side street and walk a couple blocks to go to the community center. (She could have fucking done that, conducted her business, and left by now!)

Me: Look, I don’t care if you have to park back at your house and walk a frickin mile to the community center. First off, you look like you could use the exercise. Second off, you’ve managed to stop traffic within a four block radius with your selfishness. Third off, you look like you could use the exercise. Now move your car.

Her: *starts crying*

Me: Do me a favor and blow your nose while you’re searching for a new parking spot.

Her: *puts her car in drive and drives off*

I turn around to see some people smiling, some people nodding their heads in approval and some people actually looking at me like I was a monster. I walked back to my vehicle, and after the colossal clusterfuck of cars shimmy this way and that to find spots, I backed out of my spot and drove my kids to get ice cream. On the way, my oldest asked me, “Dad, did you hurt that lady’s feelings?”

“Yes, G-Dogg, I did.”

“Do you feel bad?”

“No, buddy, I don’t. Selfish people suck. If I ever see you or your brother display that kind of selfishness, you will be very unhappy when I get done with you.”

“Don’t worry dad, we like sharing.”

So, after my kids returned my BP back to normal (the irony is thick enough here to cut it with an axe), we got some ice cream, went home and played X-Box.

All in all it was a good night.
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