Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I speak no IT Geek, Freak!!

I love my job. I love just about everything about it. The house I work out of, I am convinced, is the best place in this city to come to work every single day. The people I work with are fun, can take my sense of humor, dish it right back at me and genuinely get along. We normally have a dog or two running around the house everyday, just keeping us company. They stock the fridge with beer for us, we have a wine cellar downstairs, we are frequently taken to lunch, ballgames, dinner, etc. All in all, it's probably the best place for me to work. I mean, I couldn't have gone out into the city and handpicked a better fit for me.

However, as with every silver lining, there's a cloud. Our cloud is our resident IT geek, let's call him Chip (as in computer chip, he kind of looks like one too). First off, let me say that Chip is very fucking intelligent. I mean, one of the most intelligent people I know, and that's really saying something. He's also legally BLIND. Can you believe that? A legally blind IT dude? Shouldn't being able to see a screen from more than 6" away be a prerequisite for the job? Well, he can see a little...but his nose has to be pressed against your screen. I am forever cleaning my laptop screen after he's gotten done "fixing" or "defragging" it.

Now, Chip isn't a bad guy, he's just extremely young and not very personable, i.e. computer geek of the extraordinary kind - we all know the type, and just about every office has one. He also has zero sense of humor, so most of my jokes irritate him. I've deadpanned, "Uhhhh, dude? I think I fried the motherboard.......and the fatherboard too." Too many times to count. He's told me to shut up more than once, which almost earned him a free trip to the ER last time (it might help, more than hurt), but I digress. When we go out to lunch as a group, I usually say "If any one of you motherfuckers complain about my driving, Chip's driving us back." That gets me a dirty look. Well, as dirty a look as you can get from a dude that's wearing Stevie Wonder sunglasses. He's come with us to ballgames, which I really can't understand since he can't see the fucking game. Must be for the free beer. The beer doesn't even loosen him up any, I'm determined to get him shitfaced one day and really have some fun.

Also, Chip is notorious for giving long-winded answers to simple fucking questions. I mean most questions I ask him can be answered with a simple 'yes or no,' however, I usually get bombarded with about twenty different acronyms that not only do I not recognize, but that I don't care to learn about either. Furthermore, Chip has turned into the Internet Nazi here at work. This is an email we got from him about two months ago:

Because of the current environment on the internet, I need to ask you all to temporarily discontinue personal internet use until security software is updated. The means only visit web sites which are related to the legal industry, or necessary to accomplish work related tasks. The reasoning behind this is purely technical, not personal.

Due to various types of software code called malware, spyware, etc. which resides on a significant and growing number of web servers these days; the system needs to be updated to filter out this harmful code. These types of software code cause systems to crash, slow to a crawl, or exhibit enatic behavior, which requires unnecessary investment of time and money to remedy. More importantly, this software gathers information on how you use your workstation, what web sites you visit, consumes' internet bandwidth causing other users to experience slow access times, is used for unethical marketing campaigns, and in some cases captures every keystroke you type which is a very serious privacy concern(including passwords).

Again please discontinue personal internet use. As of this morning, I noticed a series of rouge connections to some well known spyware vendors, and I have already scheduled visits to those machines from which these connections originated.

Couldn't he just have said, "I'm going to be updating our server for the next week, so please use the Internet for work-related tasks only until I get squared away down here."??? C'mon, three fucking paragraphs to say what I just said in one sentence? Wait, am I talking about lawyers, or IT guys? It's funny how true that statement is to both. In another email, he had the audacity to tell us to "stay away from websites that will not help us win cases." I emailed him back and told him "no offense, Chippy, but you have no fucking clue what websites help us win cases and what websites do not." I mean, sure would probably raise a red flag or two, but there are plenty of sites that I find information on that don't seem like "normal" places to help this firm win cases.

About three months ago, our legal secretary (sup, Vic?) noticed that the "search" feature wasn't available through our Windows Start menu and asked him what was up with that. Here's the response she got:

The Microsoft Windows based indexing service has been disabled because the methodologies used for searching network folders is inefficient.

What in the holy fuckfire does that mean? Is he trying to say that the search function that Windows provides sucks? If so, why doesn't he just say that? Maybe he eats encyclopedias and dictionaries rather than real food. I'm still trying to figure out if he talks that way to sound superior, or if he really believes he is superior to everyone in the office, even to the lawyers that own the freaking firm!

Sure, I understand the need to keep people off our servers here. I also understand the need for a guy like Chip in today's working environment. However, can a brother get a straight answer from one of these guys? No explanations, just simple fucking English will do.

His mother works here as a legal assistant so, unfortunately, we can't kill him. We thought as a group (after many margaritas or beers or scotch, whichever 'friday' it is at the time) of pulling the "dropping him off in the woods and see if he can find his way home," but the more he fixes things and updates things and buys countless new 'necessary' software, the more problems we seem to have, so we actually need him around sometimes. But, we do keep him in the basement, which is pretty fun in and of itself. But I'd be willing to bet he's sitting down there in all his glory, wearing a tin foil hat and surfing porn all day. Anyway, back to the mother. She's pushin' 50 and wears tighter and lower-cut outfits than most strippers I've met. TO WORK!!!! She dates guys who are actually her son's age (early to mid 20's), always thinks the rest of us need to know when she's not wearing underwear, and makes a big announcement every time she's being taken to lunch, or picked up for dinner by one of these guys (assuming they're old enough to drive, that is). I can see getting all gussied up for a big date, but wearing what she wears to the office is just plain..ummm....unprofessional, and this is a guy talking! At firm parties she's always the first one to catch a buzz, and flirt with every male at the party. Not inconspicuously either. If I were her kid, I'd be mortified on so many levels. No wonder he's so messed up. Maybe I should cut him a break on that basis alone.

Naaaahhhh, I don't think so either.

Yo JP, sounds like you write an entire rant on Chip's mama! So he's boring and maddening, and she's a little tramp. Hearing about tramps is ever so much more fun.
lol...when you mentioned his basement office, I had visions of Milton from Office Space.
You're IT guy is onsite??? Lucky guy. We call ours and he shows up three weeks later. My cousin used to work for him and said he has a massive porn collection. He lives with his girlfriend AND his wife and he is the ugliest, creepiest guy I've ever met. At least your Chip is almost blind! Count your blessings. When ours is around I have to dig his eyeballs out of my cleavage... and I don't show any.
I speak no geek...freak!
I told you I would do it and it is done* (heheh)
And you stole the word digress too.
Man, I'm pissed now...should've copyrighted it! Shit!

Here's an example of the guys I work with.

I once asked Jas, our in-house white-hat hacker, who the president was...just to see what he would say.

He then explained to me the entire working of the bi-cameral government ending with "the president is the commander in chief of the United States of America".

"No Jas,
who is the President"?
"Oh, George Bush".

Geeks are fun to play with!
He sounds like my friend's husband. I don't know how he ever managed to get married, but the first time I met him we were sitting on a lawn at college. He was running past us like his hair was on fire (for no particular reason that I could tell) and slammed into the library steps. He let out an almost girlish yell, staggered wildly over to us and said: "I slipped on the curvature of the ground and I believe I need some emergency medicine." Turned out he had broken his collarbone. Somehow he and my friend ended up in geek love and have two kids now, one of whom has a forked tongue.
Since we are playing blogtag...I beat you back here :P

huh huh huh *out of breath*
Ang - don't worry, there will be a rant on her sooner or's just a matter of time.

celti - Do you prefer the Swingline or the Bostitch stapler. :o)

Innana - The last firm I worked for was like that. Dude was like 6'6" and about 400 pounds. Our office chairs used to scream when he sat down in them.

Tricia - Possession is 9/10 of the law. ;o)
Weird Tech Terms:

Lots of MIPS but no i/o:
A machine with a lot of processing power, but hardly any power in the input/output area.

Used to describe a person who is technically a genius, but who can’t seem to carry on a normal conversation.
I should get credit for posting as your 200th visitor!!!
What do I win?
What do I win?
Whassup FREAK! YOu must have a lot of time on your hands today.... hmmmmm? What else have those hands done? shame, shame.
Computer geeks are sometimes sexy too, actually a lot of those IT guys are bloggers. (I LOVE YOU ALL)
zelda - thanks for the early morning laugh. "I slipped on the curvature of the ground"??? LMAO!! That's priceless. And how exactly does one have a kid with a forked tongue?

tricia - Calm down, honey, I'm still not feeling the cowboy hat and chaps idea. Oh and you win the right to keep tuning in to see what I'm pissed off about next. :o)

VaderChick - I see your hands have been busy for awhile. Dirty girl. ;o)
Beware those IT guys...
Let me guess..his name is Mike? All the IT guys I know are named Mike. I work for an IT/Engineering firm and believe me, I know Mikes.
I agree, communication is not their forte. I once asked one of my clients why he didn't take my consultant and he said "he interviewed too well, and good programmers don't communicate well."
Sounds like the SNL character - where the person woul try to explain the problem to him, and he's just say "MOVE!!" and start working away at the computer, all while making snide comment about the ineptitude of non-computer geeks.

Loved it!
Leese is right! I work for a computer firm too and man, we go through some MIkes. We get a new one at least once a month.
you know, I'm a freak and i used to be an IT geek. I think I might be offended....nah!

Swingline, baby, hands down. Just like Milton. :P
hey - just remembered that OUR computer guy is named Mike! Freaky. But he's not mean or boring - he's the sweetest guy on earth and is really very helpful. Of course, he's gay, and i work in an almost all girl lab, so we get along FAMOUSLY!
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Best wishes
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