Wednesday, June 30, 2004

I Need My Daily Dose of Reality

I'm a reality TV junkie. Really. I don't know what draws me to these shows, but I like to WATCH. I don't watch all of these shows, but I do watch my fair share of them. I'll rundown a list of shows and why they are or are not useful.

First, the ones I watch and will continue to watch:

Survivor - The granddaddy of them all. I had never even heard of this show before I started watching the first episode. Hell, it was during the "game crazy" era of TV that lasted all of 5 minutes. Back when ABC was running Who Wants to Be a Millionaire something like 600 times a week and ran the genre into the ground. I've applied twice to be on Survivor, and will continue to keep applying until I get on this show. Great television (well, except having to see Richard Hatch naked, that's just fookin gross). I mean, you see everyone at their best and worst. The thing that astounds me about this show is that I can be totally enamored with one person one week and totally hate them the next. Everyone has their moments on that show, well except for Richard Hatch who is a giant fucking ninny no matter how they try to make him look.

Average Joe - Ok, I'll admit that when I saw the first episode, I really, really had no intention of watching the next week. That is until they showed the commercial where they brought the model-quality guys into the house. I mean, how can you NOT watch a bunch of geeks try to win a beautiful woman over a bunch of mimbos? I was actually PISSED when Melana picked Jason over Adam. I mean, is she deranged or something? Jason was an UNEMPLOYED actor, living with his parents while Adam, who seemed like a nice guy, was a self-made millionaire, had his whole life in order and genuinely cared for this wench. Actually, they should have called the show "Average Jane," because I didn't find her attractive in the least. My only consolation is knowing that the "couple" is no longer together. Probably because they spent too much time fighting over who got to use the mirror.

My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancee - Another show I had no intention of watching beyond the first episode. Then they showed a preview of how Randi's family was going to react to meeting Steve and I was hooked. I had issues with this show on many, many levels. First off, is $500,000 worth humiliating your "loved ones" over? Second, why the hell was her family so concerned? I mean, her younger (but older) brother absolutely freaked about it. I think he secretly wanted to fuck his sister (now THAT would get some ratings - not that I'd watch it, you understand). Either that or he didn't want to go to a wedding in a kilt. The look on his face before the wedding was priceless. I mean it conveyed the message that he couldn't even tolerate the thought that his sister was possibly doin' the nasty with another guy; so that's the only reason I can come up with. Even though the dad was old school when it came to rules, he was actually the most level-headed of all, but it was obvious to see that Randi had him wrapped around her pinky toe. Don't even get me started on her total control freak of a mom. Seriously, if I had a family that was that meddlesome, I'd move to Bolivia.

The Next Action Star - I had been waiting for this one to come out. This show is actually pretty good. I love a good action flick, especially ones with marginal to bad acting in it (See Diesel, Vin). I felt myself having a little pang of sadness when Viviana left the house last night of her own accord. I was hoping someone like House was going to relive his gangsta days and mow her ass down in the middle of the night. Alas, it was not to be. Looks like a fun show to go on. Maybe I'll hit the gym and apply for The Next Next Action Star, or something like that.

Last Comic Standing - I'm also a comedian junkie. More often than not, when I'm home on Friday nights, I watch Stand Up, Stand Up on Comedy Central (well, after me and G-Dogg watch American Chopper - a show deserving its own blog - together). This is an interesting show. You put 10 comedians in a nice B Hills house and let the hilarity begin, right? Actually, not right. Whereas there is a lot of silliness going on in that house, some of the comedians are actually getting on the other's nerves. You have Ant, representing the gay contingency; and you have Corey representing the homophobic comics of America rooming TOGETHER. That's just a powderkeg waiting to explode there. I was relieved when Todd Glass got booted last night. That attention whore was on my last nerve. Yes, I find that ironic too.

Here are some shows I can't stand:

American Idol - What a bad phenomenon this has become. Let's take young, impressionable kids with some talent and turn them into performing sea lions. I mean seriously, I can sing every song those kids do. I guess what pisses me off the most about this show is that 99% of these kids have no musical ability other than being able to sing. Most can't write or arrange music, play an instrument or deviate from giving a kareoke-like performance. Don't even get me started on Clay Aiken as that could be a blog in itself, so I'll stop now. Additionally, how these kids even KNOW of the 'celebrity guest judges' is beyond me! Most of the kids are late teens, early 20's. The most famous of the celebrity judges was Barry Manilow, whom most of the kids stared at like a monkey doing a math problem. In all fairness, I barely recognized most of them and I'm 35! I just don't get it. Who wants to hear a bunch of teenagers sing disco and motown?

The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Who Wants to Marry My Dad/For Love Or Money - I lumped all of these together because I just don't think that you can force stuff like this. The Bachelor had clearly jumped the shark when they put Jesse Palmer on the show. I mean, if they need to put a young, rich, successful quarterback on the show to ensure ratings, then how good can the show possibly be? Also, they always slant these shows to only show the good side of whomever the "bride or groom" to be is. Not to mention, not ONE couple has stayed together besides Ryan & Trista, and don't EVEN get me started on that whole thing. I'd rather have my eyes stapled shut.

Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire - See the post above. The only redeeming quality of this show was that Evan was like Joe Putty from Seinfeld. He kept saying things like, "Yeah, I was out on a date with Lisa but the others crashed it. I felt real bad hanging out in the hot tub with these six hot women. Yeah, high five." I don't know how these women thought he was a millionaire when he couldn't even string three sentences together at a time. They all deserved what they got.

Fear Factor - This has got to be the single most stupidest show on TV today. To me, Fear Factor would be dropping the contestants off in Baghdad, draped only in an American flag, with a sign on their back that said Fuck Allah and telling them they had 2 hours to make it to a rendezvous spot or they were being left behind (can somebody make this happen?). I mean, I'm not afraid of eating congealed horse blood or bull testicles, I'm just grossed out by the thought of it. They should call it Gross Out Factor, as nothing they do is really scary. I mean, even when they make them do something like ride a bike between two buildings on a 2x4, they're harnessed up, they're not going to die or maim themselves. Now put them in a locked cage and tell them they have 30 seconds to escape before they release the lions and I'm in.

Celebrity Mole - You mean to tell me that people like Dennis Rodman, Corbin Bernsen and Stephen Baldwin had free social calendars at the same time? Do tell. This show was so convoluted that I never could make sense of what was going on. Or maybe it was just because Mark Curry and Tracey Gold (insert anorexia joke here) were involved.

Yes, I find it odd that I like reality TV too, so feel free to make fun of me. Just remember, I know where you blog.

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