The World According to JP

Do most people consider bicyclists pedestrians or vehicles? I ask this because the bicyclists themselves can't seem to decide which one they'd rather be.

This city is a haven for "ecologically friendly" people that ride their bikes everywhere in the summertime. To work, to the store, down the street, etc. I'm with that. I'm feeling you guys; really, I am. However, pick a position and go with it. I mean, seriously, you can't have it both ways. If you're a pedestrian, adhere to those set of rules. If you're a vehicle, adhere to the rules of the road. I can't tell you how many pairs of spandex I've almost had as my hood ornament over the past 5 years. This is because most people that ride bikes around here don't use common sense. That leads to this question - why do they call it common sense? It's not common. The majority of the dolts in this country don't have it. I think they should call it uncommon sense. Ok, back to the topic at hand. If you're riding a bicycle, use extreme caution. You are riding a 35 pound 'vehicle,' I am in a 3500 pound vehicle. If you don't use caution, you will end up lubing my chassis as you travel underneath it.

The problem I have is that most people that ride bicycles around these busy streets adopt whichever set of rules and laws suit them at the time. I mean, don't roll up on the passenger side of someone that is making a right hand turn and then act surprised when you find yourself hurling through the air, cursing yourself for not wearing those knee pads. I mean, who the hell looks behind them when they're making a right turn? Not me. We all know we're supposed to, but let's face it, on Friday, 5 pm, done with the work week, drooling at the thought of throwing back a 6er of IPA, it's probably the last thing on our minds. Unfortunately, people on bikes don't realize this. Actually, nobody I've ever been in a car with looks that direction when turning. I worked for an attorney that was riding his bike to the office one day and did just that. He saw that some lady had her right turn signal on, but he still proceeded to try to beat her through the intersection. Five cracked ribs and a broken collarbone later, he realized that he lost that battle. How he thought he'd win in the first place causes me to wonder just how he got that law degree. This lady was driving a Toyota Corolla too; a disposable car, not even a heavy one. I can only imagine what my Suburban would do to someone that it hits. Can you say, road pizza? I hope never to find out. The crazy part of the whole thing is that he sued this lady and WON. He got a jury to award him $75,000 for an accident that, in my opinion, was his fault. I know that laws are slanted towards pedestrians. However, in my opinion a bicyclist is not a pedestrian. Yes, I looked up the exact definition to prove my point: "A person traveling on foot; a walker." So there!

Bicyclists should be forced to obey the same laws as the rest of the vehicles on the road, if they're going to ride on it. This means the following:

• You must WAIT YOUR FUCKING TURN at traffic lights. You are not allowed to roll up next to the first car in line, you are to sit your ass in line and wait like the rest of us;

• Similarly, you are also not allowed to run the red light when you see an opening. You are a VEHICLE, not a pedestrian;

• If you're on a road that is supremely busy and people are trying to go the 35 mph speed limit, get the fuck out of the way. Stay off to the side. Don't ride your Schwinn down the middle of a two lane road and then become incensed when cars start to honk;

• If you're riding your bike at night, make sure you have lights on it. Note to cycleheads, it gets DARK when the sun goes down. We drivers CAN'T SEE YOU when you're riding in the dark with no lights. Invariably, they wear BLACK CLOTHING! Why do you think cars have lights? That's right, so we can see each other AT NIGHT. This is key. If I can't see you, I may hit you and that will hurt;

• If you wish to use the crosswalk to move from one side of the street to the other, for the love of GOD, get your spandexed ass off your bike and walk it across. Pedestrians have no desire to get clipped by you. They also have no desire to dance out of your way when you decide that the crosswalk is intended for you. Special note here: the crosswalk is designed for pedestrians, not vehicles. Act accordingly;

• If you're in the right lane and wish to make a left turn, please make sure that there are no cars to your left before doing so. Just last night, I saw a dude on some sort of mountain bike almost t-bone the car next to him because he wanted to turn left and the dude in the lane next to him had the audacity to wish to go around him so that he could travel the speed limit. The worst part is that the idiot on the bike actually flipped him off and yelled after he almost caused the fucking accident. I had half a mind to run that dude over on general principle alone.

• ONE LAST THOUGHT: Guys (and girls for that matter) with large fat asses - DON'T FUCKING WEAR SPANDEX!!! Yes, black is slimming, and yes, the tightness of the spandex helps to make your ass look less fat, but hey, it's only spandex, not a miracle worker. At least you're exercising, but there's no need to make the rest of us want to blow chunks.

Follow these simple, COMMON SENSE, rules and you will not become part of the pavement any time soon. Do not follow them and you have no right to bitch and moan when you're taken to the ICU at your local hospital.

Now, if you're a person on this site that rides a bike, I'm going to assume that you already adhere to these rules. However, if you don't, leave your inane comments here so the rest of us can make fun of you.
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