Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Mid-Season TV Lineup

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I posted on here. I don't think I'm ready to talk about what's been going on with me, so I have worked on a new post to keep you guys entertained. Hopefully, I will get my thoughts organized enough soon to give you some sort of explanation.

Until then, here are some of the TV shows I expect to come out soon. I mean, network television is getting so redundant, isn't it? I hope that someone from TV land picks up on these.

*THE NEW CREW*


OBJECTION! (ABC, Sundays, 9:00)
When was the last time you experienced a courtroom drama chock full of lawyer jargon? Sure, "The Practice" is up there, but there's all that other stuff going on and that fat bitch. Who cares? "Objection!" promises a higher objections-per-minute ratio than any show in the history of television. With "Objection!", your intake of good courtroom drama will only be overruled by your sustained pleasure. And that's admissable.

Godot's Not Here, Man (FOX, Mondays, 9:00)
Legendary one-joke funnymen Cheech and Chong reunite after twenty years, lighting up your television screen with this minimalist show about two burnouts, Pedro and Estragon, hitchhiking on the side of the interstate of life. This very existential program explores base human relationships, man's eternal struggles, and new ways to incorporate the word "man" into otherwise logical conversation. Some nudity.

JUDGING REINHOLD (NBC, Thursdays, 8:30)
Two parts "Night Court" and one part "The John Larroquette Show," TV's newest and funniest judge, played delightfully by Judge Reinhold (last seen in "The Dumpster in Back of My Apartment Complex"), will surely sentence you to a lethal injection of giggles. It's gavel to gavel comedy as the lawyers and bailiffs are even wackier than the plaintiffs and defendants! "Judging Reinhold" is one jury duty you don't wanna have your friend bloody up your face to get you out of.

BOOBS (WB, Fridays, 9:30)
Those folks over at the WB are looking a little bit like Fox in the early '90s with this candidly titled program. In "Boobs," two brothers (Anthony Michael Hall and Fisher Stevens) co-own a plastic surgery clinic that specializes in breast augmentation. If staring at "Boobs" for half an hour while tickling your funny bone is your idea of a good time, perhaps the WB has your prescription.


*THE GAME SHOW CIRCUIT*


WHO WANTS TO GOOSE A MILLIONAIRE? (ABC, Tuesdays, 8:00)
The geniuses at ABC have done it again, this time giving ordinary Americans the chance to goose past winners of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" Like "Who Wants To Be...," "Who Wants To Goose" is a variation on the British version of the show. The main difference is that host, Regis Philbin, sucks cock for extra cash.

THE GREAT RACE II (CBS, Wednesdays, 9:00)
Neo-Nazis compete for cash and prizes.

SURVIVOR 4: OBSCURITY (CBS, Wednesdays, 8:00)
Members of the band Survivor outwit, outlast, and outdo each other as the last Survivor not to commit suicide gets like a Chia Pet or something. Hosted by Frank Stallone.


*SPINOFF CENTRAL*


THAT 30S SHOW (FOX, Mondays, 8:30)
From the shmucks who brought you "That '70s Show," this hip new show guides us through one of our nation's other beloved decades: those wacky 1930s. A candy bar cost a penny and bread cost a nickel, but laughter? She was free.Watch these kooky kids and their hoky hijinks as they try to catch a buzz on economic failure and stay one step in front of their nosy neighbor, crochety Mr. Hitler (Tom Selleck). "That '30s Show" will certainly cure any great depression.

DHARMA & GRACE (NBC, Thursdays, 9:00)
The peacock network finally struts its stuff with this daisy of a show, called "the best program of the new fall season" by my penis. Free-spirited Dharma and clothing-optional Grace make every schoolboy's dream come true (and quite sticky) with this wonderful show about lesbians and the girls who love them. If you like gals kissing each other, this very well might make up for that teddy bear Santa never got you that one Christmas, that heartless bastard.

SABRINA THE COLLEGE-AGE WITCH (UPN, Who Cares?)
The lovable vixen Sabrina is all grown up now and she's off to college. This time around, Sabrina is no longer played by Melissa Joan Hart, but by my ex-girlfriend, Leann, who went Wiccan before our messy breakup and then put a curse on my transmission to spite me. "Sabrina the College-Age Witch" is a little different than the teenage equivalent because Sabrina dies in the first episode and then the rest of the show pretty much revolves around me and my militia of whores.

MY ACHING WOODY (NBC, Thursdays, 9:30)
After beating Satan in a game of marbles, ex-bartender Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson) is granted one unconditional wish. That one wish? The power to prescribe medical marijuana. Things get interesting when Robert Downey, Jr., Charlie Sheen and Gary Busey move in next door.

THE QUEEN OF KINGS (CBS, Tuesdays, 8:00)
An obese cardshark, Chloe (Camryn Mannheim), who knows when to hold 'em, knows when to fold 'em, and knows when to roll away will certainly deal her way into your heart with "The Queen of Kings." Even though she's in a wheelchair, she can still have a good time, especially when she gets back home to hubbie, Ace (David Caruso). You'll laugh hysterically at the soon-to-be-famous episode where Chloe enters a lard-eating contest. If you like to hit on 17, then you, sir, are what I call a cradle robber.

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